Ups and downs, sandi2. That's all. Situation normal.
A couple weeks ago W was helping F with family business and drafted a plan that would include her working part-time there, in another state about 2-3 hours away. Found out from MIL, who is encouraging this, at a family event. W downplayed it, but this is how things usually develop with W. I asked how this would work, W said it was all her Ms idea and she wasn't going to do it - maybe in a couple of years, if she leaves her current job. It's not really the plan that upset me, rather the fact W didn't bring it up or discuss it with me.
Then had a great week, which included our anniversary. Really nice week, very enjoyable.
Next week, W made some make some minor financial decisions on her own - the type where we've always consulted each other in the past - without letting me know. Again, I don't really care that she did it, I would have agreed. But this is something we do together every year. I got mildly upset about it. She does the finances and it's sort of a trust thing.
Asked her about it yesterday she said "can't she just be introspective once in a while" and something about her job not being worthwhile and something about wanting to do more volunteer work but she can't (asked her why, she said "because of all her other responsibilities").
I'm sure this all looks like distancing but I really don't know what is going on inside her head. I think she's looking for meaning in her life, frustrated with her job, frustrated that the kids and other responsibilities won't let her just make a sudden change. I don't think this is her preparing to WAW.
Anyway, we went from great week to not so great pretty fast. Feeling down and just very tired.
no big deal, Sandi. AS J3B often says, the ups and downs are to be expected.
Given that I don't know exactly what goes on or what W thinks and feels, or what she wants, I Can't decide if I am responding reasonably to a tough situation, or unreasonably to a situation that is common and shouldn't be this difficult. Sometimes I think it is both. My response is all I can control, and that's probably enough to fix this in the long run.
just journaling....nothing new here. use for 2x4 practice if you like.
My W craves excitment, is always on the move, planning a hundred new things - business ideas, programs, activities - and is a natural at getting people together to make things happen. It's a great skill, and something I love about her, but it's also a little pathological. Sitting still, not having a plan, or being introspective is almost physically painful for her. She has no time to consider feelings - saying suck it up or get over it - and pushing forward.
My tolerance for excitment and choas is somewhere in the middle, "normal" maybe. I do a good job of keeping up and enjoy it most of the time but I'm often exhuasted and W probably feels like I am holding her back. Easy to notice that I'm rarely "in the lead". W is not such a good follower. I could lead, but W won't follow. I'm not particularly into discussing "feelings" but by comparison I'm the "needy" one. I feel the responsibility of raising our kids, keeping them relatively safe, and maintaining some routine, thus I'm the inflexible one.
So when W has some new plan that might be a big change for the family she often starts it off in secret, and brings me along slowly. She will exaggerate or minimize or tell me things that just aren't true because she feels that I'm inflexible, unreasonable, and holding her back. So that when something comes to be, I'm surprised by it and the fact she wasn't very honest with me and take this as a lack of respect.
So W resists any discussion which would clarify her intentions. As she has a habit of saying she "doesn't make promises". And that means I live in a pretty uncertain world where most unusal plans don't materialize, but some do.
Of course, all this requires is that I give W lots of freedom, endure uncertainty, take the backseat more often than not, and trust her. Is this dropping the rope maybe?
This personality is one of the things that is very attractive and fun about my W, and also difficult. I noticed this early in our M and figured one things that would help would be to keep our family life simple, allowing her the freedom she needs. However, she likes "fun/exciting/complex" in all areas of her life, so we have a large complicated family, which limits her freedom.
I used to be more independent and, frankly, more fun and interesting. I don't know how to balance all these responsibilities with the uncertainty. Bascially, to live more in the moment, let go of the need for some control and stability, and enjoy the chaos. W would like me to just "decide to have fun". Which sounds great, but I am tired and a little resentful.
Hey man, don't have much advice for you here as I'm the "responsible" and unfun one, and like you have had to live much of my life flying by the seat of my pants and turning on a dime. ( How's that for a cliche'd sentence! Ha!)
Tell you truthfully, your W sounds like an adrenaline addict.
I was one once, and it showed in my behaviour in my being chronically late.
Have you noticed any other behaviours that could cross the line in to addiction too? Addiction being defined as anything she does to self soothe and that negatively impact her life and relationships.
Does she also use a lot of caffiene, always has to be in physical motion of some sort ( foot tapping, pen clicking, wriggling, twirling hair etc.?)
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
