Legit DBing? or is this just calm before storm?

[MommaDucki]

So, I couldn't take H's voice in the other room, and I moved outside to the patio and wrote him a letter...

Playing by the rule of 48 hours, I wanted to share it here, and put it away for a couple of days to see whether it's really what I want to say/give to him...

H,

Not really sure it you'll actually take the time to REALLY hear me out by reading this or not, but I'm still writing it anyhow.

I get it. You want a divorce. Still don't really understand what it is about me that you just don't like or get, but it doesn't matter.

I still feel I know you and read you better than you realize. Right now, I see and hear it in you - TUNNEL VISION! You're zeroed in on OW, so be it.

But, D3 and I moved down here so you and her can finally have the father/daugter relationship you both need and deserve.

I moved too soon. I should have saved even more money so I for sure could have gotten into our own place right away.

As a friend, I want to just give you an outsider's point of view. I don't care if it comes across as blunt or b*tchy, just being honest.

You don't seem happy. You have brief moments, but overall, don't come across as a happy person.

I know life's not going how you want it to. You know it, so no point restating the obvious.

I see patterns, I've heard patterns. I see you repeatedly trying to fill the void in your life with relationships.

If things go great with her, then so be it. I'll move on. Start really being honest with yourself though. If you progress to pysical with her and expose yourself and the R goes downhill, what then?

I can't predict the future, but I wanted to point it out as a concerned friend.

If I heard you right, you said she smokes out I'm not going to put her or anyone else down for it. I can tell you from experience what it's like to be in a serious relationship with a pot-smoker though.

Again, maybe I heard you wrong, so I won't continue.

I think it's great you're trying this brutal honesty thing. One more step in the right direction for you.

As a friend, my advice to you at this point in your life is to forget about pursuing her. Forget about anything to do with all women for awhile. No dating, no flirting, and no sex, and really take a look at the inner you.

Figure out which direction you want your career to go and take off with it. Get up and leave the house. Drop off resumes in person. Show them your face!

Again, you're told me you'd like us to be friends. This is a friend giving her friend advice, even if unsolicited.

Want to let you past my walls for a bit and I'll try to keep it short.

I fell hard for you several times over the pst 10 years. I've also done things that border on unforgiveable to you. I've moved on to an extent, though I'm still a bit heartbroken we didn't work out.

I fell in love with you at your worst. No job, living with your sister (or other), and didn't care. When we got married, yes, we learned more about each other than we'd known. We rushed into it.

Still not sure, but I feel I rushed because I was feeling smothered by my life of caring for Grandma. You offered me a way out. Maybe that's taking advantage of you, but I honestly did love you.

When roomie1 moved in, I played chicken and took to venting to him about you. THIS WAS WRONG!!! I'm so sorry. Should have been more upfront with you directly because you never really knew what was going on with me.

When we moved in with roomie2, the same pattern help up. Again, THIS WAS WRONG!

Because of that, I can't blame you for being frustrated or bored with me. I wasn't pleasant company.

Another factor I want to bring up is why you feel I changed after the wedding. Beforehand, I loved you and had you whenever I wanted due to you not working and my job allowing for it. Afterwards, you started working and left a void in my world that shouldn't have existed. You aren't responsible for my (or anyone else's) happiness. I AM. I shouldn't have let the chip on my shoulder rip us apart and I'm sorry.

Once we separated, my world took focus again. I still tried to remain on speaking terms. It's hard for me and I don't think I'll ever get you to understand why.

Because of D3, I'll always have to try, but I can't go down this road easily.

I had dreams for what my life would be, and I'm still trying to cope with the reality that those dreams have to change.

I was told once that it seems when I'm faced with hard challenges life throws at me, that I run away. I feel there's truth to that.

Moved here for previously stated reasons, but did it too soon to get away from my family. Jumped the gun and am feeling myself slipping and my world being flipped upside down.

Knew you were talking to a girl, but didn't think it was as serious as it seems. Thought I could handle it, but it's proving difficult.

Again, as a friend, I want to tell you something. I feel you skip steps in life. You're still legally married, yet are focusing on a new relationship. Close one book before opening the next. The next is worthy of your complete attention.


I've heard you. As soon as I can, I'll move D3 and I out of here and give you some breathing room again.

Once you're able, start D stuff. I've never really understood why you never have. No matter how much time passes, it's going to hurt me. I'll deal. I'm a big girl.


Not wanting to start a fight here, but...

Unless it's an emergency situation that involves D3, I don't want you driving my car anymore. I'm proud of myself for having worked so hard to buy it. I did hear what you said about it being hypocritical. If it is, so be it.

As a friend, I feel it's taking advantage of me to go out with it to who knows where for however long. It's a respect thing. You can feel I don't deserve that respect all you want, but this is me putting my foot down. I won't come to you for gas money, you don't come to me for rent money. I don't ever invite someone to your apt, you don't ever drive my car.

If you desperately needed a ride somewhere and I can do it, talk to me, and I'll consider it.

This has nohing to do with me trying to "leash you" as you put it. For 2 1/2 years we've stayed in touch, but have lived our own lives..

Keep living yours. Go where ever with whomever, i don't care to be honest. You can't disrespect me or take advantage of me by using my car though.

I'm only tring to be assertive with my beliefs and opinions. I'm done letting people take advantage of me. This is my wish, and I feel friends should respect each other's wishes. Good true friends do.

I'm leaving it up to you if you'd ever like to go out somewhere together. I enjoy going places with you because you're good company and fun to be with. I can always find something to do if I have the urge though.

I'm active on my divorce support group boards again. That's what I've been spending my time doing lately. Found it a couple of years ago.

All in all, I'll be ok H. Just do what you have to do and know I'm doing the same.

As far as D3 goes, I need you. I need for her to have her Daddy. You're a good dad. Now is really your time to shine as a parent as well.

I have every ounce of faith that she's taken care of when left in your care.

I know there's still adjusting going on from both ends.

I'm having to adjust as well. Never realized how beneficial it was to me having my parents so involved.

I'm sorry I've kept her away for so long and am sorry in advance for my possible actions in regards to her.

Have felt like a single parent and I suppose I should have. Our views on being separated have been different, but regardless, I was a single mom and though hate wording it this way, you were a borderline absentee parent. I egged you on to be that way. You've done your best, and I'm grateful for what little you have done. You made the greatest sacrifice lately by letting us move in here. I'll always be grateful.

Act the part of being the best parent you can be and it'll come naturally.

I'm really going to push myself to get this process moving this week. I ask for your help in being awake and taking care of her. It's already been much longer than I'd like being without steady work. It's going to be another rough adjustment for her again. Makes me feel I've let her down having lived this way for the past several weeks.

Thank you if you really took the time to read this. You can think what you want, but I wanted to say all these things and feel more confident writing it all out.

-me

Yeah....totally happy i wrote, but he's not getting to read the majority of this letter....

any thoughts from anyone out there?