I spent most of my day reading your thread after the kind words you posted on mine. I don't know how any words of mine might come as any comfort or reassurance, for I recognize the pain and agony that you are in all to well. I will tell you this much.........
It is not a terrible fear when faced with the unknown. It is part of being alive, something we all share. We react against the possibility of loneliness, of death of a M or R, of not having anything to hold on to.
Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.
When we begin our exploration, we have all kinds of ideals and expectations. We are looking for answers that will satisfy a hunger, a desire we are feeling very intensely. Somehow all the warnings in the world don't quite convince us of the reality of our sitch. In fact they draw us closer.
What I am talking about is getting to know fear, becoming familiar with fear, looking it right in the eye, not as a way to solve problems, but as a complete undoing of old ways of seeing and feeling. The truth is that when you do this you will be continually humbled.
"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us"
Nevertheless, when the bottom falls out and we can't find anything to grasp, it hurts a lot. We look in the bathroom mirror and there stares a man looking back, wondering-How did my life become this? How did I get here? Why me?
We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality within us.
Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together and fall apart again. It is life.
When there's a big disappointment, we don't know if that's the end of the story. It may be just the beginning of a new adventure.
Each day you are given an opportunity to open up or shut down. The most precious opportunity presents itself when we come to the place where we think we can't handle whatever is happening. It's too much. It's gone too far. We feel bad about ourselves. Life had nailed us!!
Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them.
BTM I want you to know I understand your hurt and you have been at this for a much longer time than I. Sometimes the hardest thing to do, is actually the easiest.
Let go
If you use this time, this experience for good not only will you heal, you will be a greater person than you ever imagined.
