Then he told me that he wants to file for 50 per cent custody of S3 cos MIL said that they needed to spend more time together. I can't believe this! He does everything she tells him!
I do know that this must hurt you and must worry you ... but if you separate yourself from the emotions for a moment, or as we say ... detach ... you'll see that he does actually have the right to 50% custody. He's your son's father, and boys need their dads.
In my experience, the kids who adjust best to separated/divorced parents, and in particular those who manage it best if their parents reunite, are those who have been kept completely out of the issues between their parents and whose parents have shared them (50/50 or as much as possible).
In relation to his mum telling him he should do it … well, mothers can be like that. But you should also think about if it’s easier for yr H to blame his mum than to stand up as a strong-man and say “This is what I want.” I’ve noticed many men with strong mothers, chose strong wives, they don’t seem to have the guts to make decisions, or appear to make decisions, on their own. You’ll often hear them say “my wife said I should ….” Or “my mother told me to…..”.
So I guess the issue for you is ;
Would 50/50 custody be in the best interests of your son, even if it means spending time with his grandmother? Again, think about this in a detached way, this isn’t about you and your H or his mother, this is about your little boy … there is good evidence that kids who have good relationships with their grandparents on both sides, develop into people who have good and loving relationships in their lives and value family. Kids are savvy. They love their grandparents, even when they are crazy or dysfunctional, but they figure out their grands limitations in their own way and their own time. The nicest thing about the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is the unconditional love that is quite unique from that between child and parent. Children need a village, they need lots of people from all different parts of their family and their world, who love them around them.
Remember
Quote:
He said he was very hurt by everything that is going on
So there is other stuff going on here for him, and you have the opportunity to use this little exercise to DB like a champion. What would a 180 be in this instance?
I really strongly suggest you read as many of 25yrsMLC posts as you can. That woman knows her stuff and she’s very good at her explanation of “keeping the way home paved and smooth”.
If saving your marriage is your ultimate goal, think carefully how you manage this issue. Please make your decisions from a rational place, in the best interests of your child. Take the emotion about what’s going on between you and your H out of it (I know that’s difficult, but it’s critical).
If you agree in principle, but tell him you have an expectation that he will arrange the paper work for the legal arrangements (and you should have a formal agreement in place for child custody arrangements if nothing else) – after all, this is his gig – you may find that depending on his state of mind, he just never gets around to it.
Good luck.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
