Won't stand for a broken family

[Timetotry]

Shannon,

Thanks for your note. I did have that boundary before but I obviously broke it.

Journaling: Today was not what I was expecting...its a long one.

H came over to make breakfast and an hour so later I went shopping for a bit. When I put bags in H's car I found a notebook from work that had a post it note saying "I love you" on one and "thanks for the song, love me" on another. I all the sudden felt what I felt 13 years ago when I caught him having an A. Except this time, no tears, just shaking and impatiently driving home. Came home, took some bags out, he came out to grab more and I brought the notes to his attention.

Me: Are you seeing someone then?
H: No those notes were from awhile ago, forgot they were there.
M: So why then do you have them saved?
H: I said I forgot cause they were put on my desk at work.
M: Ok then so you are coming around to not work on this R, just to use me to see the kids.
H: Yes, I am only coming around to see the kids but I like being here for now.
M: Well, I thought you were trying of sorts so since that is the case you cannot just come over here then.
H: Sorry, wasn't trying to lead you on.
M: Well you did, I was wrong in thinking you were but I know now and you know that you need to leave now.
H: Ok I will.
M: Ok, let me know what day you will be over to cut the grass.
H: Ok.

He came in, grabbed his stuff and the dog and took S to the video game store as planned.

I get a text 30 minutes later:

H: Let me know if you want the details for closure.
M:What details?
H: The timeframe, lead to it,ended it,..whatever.

I met him then and we drove to a nearby park. As he was driving he told me that he had a EA with a consultant at his work and was not planned. He was talking to her as he does to alot of people about his sitch. They went out a few times at lunch and he ended it when I had news that I had a cancer scare. He said he wouldn't do that to the kids and me no matter what and he wasn't looking for a relationship. He said she was hurt and he said that he didn't mean to lead her on, he was vulnerable. H said she works in another building so he rarely sees her now.

We parked because I asked him to stop driving and look me in the eye to talk and he did. Points were as follows:

H does come around for the kids but does enjoy being around me too. H said the sex is purely physical and he could just go anywhere but its not emotional and he won’t do that but he likes it with me. H said he doesn’t want to hurt the kids again, that’s the hardest. I said how counseling suggested the meeting, just us, to get to know each other to see if it would work or not. H still said he is just not ready for that either, whether its to know or not know. H said he wanted to tell me about the emotional affair to be upfront and if I believe or not, there is nothing he said he fears, since I saw the notes he forgot about today. H said that he is already out of the house so before filing just happens out of anger he wanted to clear the air. I agreed and thanked him for telling me and understood how that can happen so easy. H said how he can’t be friends with the opposite sex cause that’s what it seems to lead too. He is just not ready to commit working on the R yet, he doesn’t want to hurt the kids and has to do it for himself. I said well, I have a say in this too and he agreed completely. I said there are no guarantees in life or any relationship. What makes him think a new one would be any different? He said no kids would be involved then. I fhe hurts another girl, he wouldn't care, its all about the kids. (Personally I thought that was mean). He said he knows it’s a risk but he has to do things when he is ready for himself before he can commit. I agreed. H said that SB asked if he was back home last week when on the phone and H said no…knew it! I picked that up I asked him if people are questioning him and he said he just says he is confused. He loves coming over and spending time as a family, including me. I asked him what does he think would change his mind either way? He didn’t know he said. I said again this is what the counselor was eluding too that we must stop avoiding to figure out next step and meet at least once a week without kids. I agreed that there are no guarantees whether it be me with me or someone else and its not just him who has concerns. He thinks we were just existing before and that’s why he left. He said he still isn’t ready to meet that often and when/if he will he will let me know. I just agreed to that then as we had silent pause. I said he can still come back with dinner since that was the plan and he said ok. Seed planted I guess.

When he was leaving immediately after dinner. I called him back to the garage and just said thanks again for being honest with me today. He said oh no problem.

Then Text an hour later from H: I honestly wish I had an answer but I get it totally if you can’t or don’t want to wait. Limbo sux, I get that, and I know you deserve an answer. I’ll do my best to get you that as soon as possible.

H at 8:04 since I didn’t answer: No sound or not talking?

M: No sound (I lied- I honestly wanted time and space to think). Limbo wouldn’t go away if we decide to meet. Its just the initial meetings that was the point and its very awkward for both of us to try to keep an open mind if it goes that route. Neither of us could have that answer right away.

H:I know…I do…I’m not opposed to meeting, just awkward like you said. Will do my best to let you know either way, good or bad, I owe you that.

M:k.

H: Have a good nite. Hope you can sleep.

M: I will. Same to you.

Did what I had to do before the 7/5 date goal, just not planned that way. So proud of myself on how I reacted today. I am second guessing his thoughts on at first leaving and then wanting to give me some details, as if he made up a story?

Then I think, 'from today forward' but the fact that this has happenend twice does sit in my mind.

He had no clear boundaries and neither do I. I am actually questioning if I want to try again.