my heart is breaking

[kermitdfrog]

My husband's mom is in the hospital, and I texted him to see if he wanted me to come to the hospital to be with him (he was in the ER with her by himself all day. The rest of his siblings live out of town) He said at first "I'm fine" but later texted "feel free. She probably would like to see you" I texted "Would you like me to? Would it help you feel better?" (probably wrong, but I just wanted to feel like he wanted me there) and he texted "I am on autopilot. I will leave here soon and go back to my mom's and get some work done" (the whole workaholic thing) So I told him I wouldn't, then, but to tell his mom I was thinking about her. And that I was wanting to give him support. He responded "Thanks for the support. I will keep you posted"

I am just so sick of this. I should be with him. These are the kinds of things he and I supported each other through for the last three decades. Now he is at the hospital alone. And doesn't seem to even need me. He told me he has a bad feeling that his mom may be dying. (she is 90) So, why am I no comfort? Maybe I am just in denial. I still can't believe
he wants me out of his life. As my friend says, that is like telling the sun not to shine. I AM his wife. I don't know how to be anything else.

I am still having a crappy weekend. And I feel really angry. Usually sadness dominates, but today I am mad. My life is a mess and our kids are sad and our world is upside down, and he doesn't seem to be the least bit bothered.

The thing that I wonder is, can DB work if your spouse seems to really be doing better without you? He is getting more work, and does seem more relaxed. How can I ever make him want to be with me if he is perfectly content without me?

A few weeks ago, after I got the papers and I backslid (arguing, etc) I said "What if we start all over...go slow and date again, get to know each other and fall in love again" and he said "I don't want to date you. I don't want to fall in love again." and I asked "What is the difference between starting over with me, or starting new with someone else?" and he said "Because I have already experienced you" Ouch. Now, he seemed cranky, probably because I was arguing, but it still was hurtful.

I guess I am feeling really hopeless today. I am emotionally exhausted. I hurt so bad. I still love him with everything in me. But I am SO ANGRY at him for doing this to his family. How selfish can a person be.

Can anyone see any hope in my situation? Does it seem that he is completely determined to D, or is there still a chance? I am so hurt and confused.

(I have a call in to get a session with my DB coach. I realize I have been all over the place this weekend and not focused) But any response would be appreciated.