Thanks TTT.. I'm still doing my best to get out and about. Just got home this afternoon from a girls weekend. It was fun, but I have to say - every single time I go out drinking/dancing with my gfriends, I want to throw up half way through the night b/c I start picturing having to meet guys at bars again (I know obviously that there are other places lol, but after a few glasses of wine and too many emotions, I start to get paranoid!).. anyways, that's neither here nor there. We had a good time. Saw Robert Pattison filming a movie (even though I didn't have a clue who that was hehe). My H had the kids most of the weekend - he took them to his sister's yesterday and they slept over and came back this afternoon. THey have a pool so the kids love it there. I'm glad they had a great time, but two things have been bothering me. First - I wish just ONCE for the sake of understanding his wife a bit better that H would take care of the kids completely on his own for one day. He always takes them to his Mom's or sister's. I know he's a great Dad, and fully competent, but he always has help. He can sit back and have a beer and relax whenever he wants. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself, b/c my family is non-existant, so I never have help. I just still don't think he fully understands all that I do for our family. I'm glad he has the support of his family - and I am not saying he should never take the kids over, b/c I'm glad they all get to spend time together, but just one time, I wish he could see how hard it is for me. Also, he ONLY has the boys on Saturdays. When he comes to see them during the week, he comes AFTER they've had dinner, been bathed etc. So he never really has to do any of the work. Anyways, whatever.. the other thing that bothered me about this weekend is that they had this great fun swimming weekend without me. I guess it doesn't so much 'bother' me as it just makes me sad and jealous, as this was something we all used to do as a family. Every day that goes by lately is a reality check for me - I'm finally starting to see that we will most likely never have a future doing all these stuff together again. Anyways, I had a fun girls weekend regardless. So H brought the kids back around 3 o'clock, and hung around until about dinner time. He's still completely avoiding me. Honestly its so night and day from how we were 1 month ago (not that I thought we would reconcile a month ago, but I still had a glimmer of hope). Its almost like HE's read the DB book, and decided to go dark or something. I've casually asked him if everyting was okay, and he always says yes, and that he's just super tired. He NEVER stays anymore to hang out with me, we haven't really even had a conversations unrelated to the children in several weeks. I dont know why the sudden change. Honestly, NOTHING happened between us that would have triggered this change, so the only thing I can assume is that he's been feeling guilty about actually spending time with me - perhaps he feels like he's been leading me on or whatever, or perhaps he's actually decided that divorce is what he truly wants, so he's just working up the nerve to tell me. I am also really wondering if he did in fact start taking anti-depressants - its the only thing that somewhat coincides with this sudden change. So now I am wondering what to do - the stuff I was doing before or planning on doing where when things were going really well between us, when he's stay and watch movies with me etc. Now he comes to see the kids, doesnt really talk to me, and takes off as soon as he can, so I am not sure what my new action plan should be. I think I need to re-read the book.
Okay so I have a question that was touched on a little bit in the book - but how do you deal with friends who are convinced that you should get divorced? I have SEVERAL friends who think that my H is just totally screwing me over, and we've been separated for 8 months now, and enough is enough, that I should stand up for myself with dignity and self-respect and tell HIM that I want to get divorced. They give me this advice out of love for me as they all HATE him b/c of the situation - they think I deserve much better and that I should just move on. I definitely agree that I deserve much better than how I am being treated, but my goal is that H will see that I deserve much better and start BEING better. I know thats its highly unlikely, but ultimately I want my marriage to work. I've tried explaining myself but it doesn't work so I just thank my friends for their support and leave it at that. My other question is how long do I live in this state of limbo? My H cannot decide what he wants, seems no closer to deciding anything, and while I'm obviously willing to give him this time and that we both need time to figure stuff out etc, but is there a point when I just say enough is enough? If he still continues to tell me that he doesn't think he is in love with me and doesnt think we can be happy together, and none of my divorce busting is working, I am going to have to throw in the towel eventually b/c Im going to have to move on with my life, raise my kids and hopefully find love and happiness elsewhere.
