I had a minor screw up today and I was in the wrong.
I am going to Toronto tomorrow for a conference for convenors hosting championships. It would be like an athletic director that is hosting the state championship for you Americans out there.
I have hosted it once before back in 2004 and swore I would never do it again. People were AMAZED that we were able to pull this off in our tiny Island community but we put ALOT of work into it and it went off without a hitch and people from our big Province got to experience Island life.
Anyway, I have a conference in the big City on Tuesday and I leave tomorrow after school. I have both boys starting tonight.
I didnt tell my W about me being out of town and didnt really plan on it as I was going to be gone one night and back Tuesday night at some point. IT is a 6.5 hour drive or ride in this case as I am taking my bike.
She called today and was talking to my oldest son. I did tell my Bil that I was leaving MOn and would be back Tues and that if there was any trouble, the boys would call him as he is literally 5 houses away from us.
He got his signals crossed and thought I was leaving today and wouldnt be back till later. His wife, My crazy SIL called her sister( my W) about this and thats were the confusion set in.
I didnt want to talk to her on the phone but she insisted oldest son hand phone over.
M: Okay , whats the issue?
W: The issue is, that you are leaving our boys alone for a night and I didnt even know you were going out of town.
M: Thats right, I didnt think it was a big deal, oldest son is 16 years old. He is of the age and maturity to look after his brother for one night while I am away.
W: Thats not the point, you should have told me that you were going to be out of town. You know young son gets out of sorts when left alone and his brother tends to ignore him.
M: I am aware he gets that way sometimes but I made it very clear to oldest son that they were to sleep together in same bed and to be with him at night in case he got scared.
W: YOu should have effing told me about this.
M: You know, you are right, I should have. I didnt think it through clearly and just thought that they are both old enough to handle the sitch, which they are. But you should have been in the loop in case you were working. My bad, Im sorry , that was an overshight on my part. I honestly just thought it was a nonissue.
W: I shouldnt have to find out about you being out of town overnight by a third party. NOt when my kids are involved.
M: You are 100% correct. ( I forgot to mention, I asked her why she needed to swear all the time), she said sorry its just that she was upset.)
W: Okay, Im not mad and I know you dont think its a huge deal, and maybe it isnt. I just think that I should be aware when my kids are alone at night.
M: Again, Im sorry, you should be made aware. I asked oldest son to let you know.
W: HE never talks to me.
M: BTW, I am very impressed with the guitar you bought him for his birthday.
W: Im sorry that he found it early. I wanted it to be a surprise, he never gets surprised by me. ( She is referring to a couple of times I surprised him at Christmas by using the ploy from ; " A Christmas story" Where Ralphie gets his BB gun at the end after telling him we couldnt find said present this year.
M: Doesnt matter, He loves it just the same. I commend you.
W: You advised against getting that type because you said it wasnt worth the money.
M: I polled a few of my guitar friends, thought I would use the experts in this field since I know squat about them. They just said that it was an OK deal but we didnt steal it.
W: Well the guy that I bought it from said it paid 700 for it.
M: He may have, it doesnt matter. oldest son loves it and thats all that matters. You did well. Do you need the 200 right now?
W: No I just got paid, give it to me whenever.
M: Okay, well sorry about the mix up. Always seems when SIL and BIL get involved, there is drama and a mixup.
W: I know, they always meddle in our affairs and cause problems.
M: Yep, thats why I wanted to get off this rock in 1999 when we had the chance.
W: Tell me about it. I wish I would have listend to you back then, they have always interfered.
M: Oh well.
W: My sister is crazier than ever. I cant stand being around her since mom died. She is seriously losing it.
M: Oh yeah, well she was always a little off.
W: You should see her now, I feel like calling my nephes(sisters son who is 38 and a cop in town). It should be his responsibility
M: Yeah, well I gotta finish doing what I was doing, me and oldest have the fridge cleaned out and all the food is on the counter.
W: ( Keeps talking like I didnt say anything about getting off the phone). Why should I have to deal with her craziness all the time, Its his mother not mine. ( it struck me that when she is down and needs her sister's support, she ALWAYS takes her side but when she doesnt need her anymore, shes expendable..... much like our marriage was)
M: Really need to get going on the fridge.
W: Okay, (starts talking to me again and doesnt hang up, )
M: Sorry, I have to go.
W: Okay , bye.
I hung up and started thinking< what the hell does she want?
I have no time for this.
Ive done a hundred and one things around my houae today and just want to keep working.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
I will not be a hypocrite here and tell you it's none of her business.
It used to (still would, if I knew about it) piss me off when my W would leave my kids alone for a night, or if she got FIL or other to look after them, or if she just shipped them out to visit their friends so she could go out...
Still, your 16yr old is of an age that it is acceptable to leave them for a night. The only thing that would be important would be that an adult is available to them in case necessary.
Tough call. Did you HAVE TO tell your W? No. Would it have been respectful to tell her? Yes. Would it have been respectful to give her first option to have kids while you were gone? Yes.
But it was not necessary... Her feeling of offense like mine, is hers to own...
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Tough call. Did you HAVE TO tell your W? No. Would it have been respectful to tell her? Yes. Would it have been respectful to give her first option to have kids while you were gone? Yes.
But it was not necessary... Her feeling of offense like mine, is hers to own...
My 2cents (and it may not be worth that)
I disagree. I think 9 should have told his W. he is leaving a 16 and TEN year old by themselves. I think 10 is waaay to young to be left with just an older sibling, unless the older sibling is like 21 or so. I'm okay with the 16 year old spending the night by themselves. But a 16 year olds brain isn't fully developed enough.
I don't think you ask for permission or anything. I think when it comes to kids EVERYTHING is her and 9's business unless you tell each other tells you otherwise. Plus I worry if this could be used against you.
And I will note, that I am not an over-protective parent in the least.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
I should have told her,not to protect them because this town is so safe, I mean , I never lock my doors and even leave my key in the ignition. Have done it for twenty years. Just for respect I suppose.
Youngest son is now 11 BTW.
He will probably go to his mothers for the evening. Oldest son likes to be alone when I have to go overnight. I asked him on a few occasions to go to his moms but usually, doesnt go.
I am moving forward and getting along way better than ever but I found myself missing her today.
Since I am progressing, i do believe that someday I will be totally over her but I wonder if we are doing the right thing.
Its tough to replace so much history.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
My feelings on this are 100% my own and I acknowledge that.
My issue is not so much whether the community is safe or not, but what harm could they bring to themselves and whether they could handle an emergency situation.
An 11 year old and 16/17 year old just don't have the brain development. I'm not saying that as an excuse, it's a scientific fact.
But you know your kids better than I do. I'm not trying to convince you of anything, but that my opinion and what I base it on.
I don't think you can replace history and I really feel for you.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
I know how you are feeling about missing your W 9. I have those same feelings this morning.
On the issue of leaving your kids alone for the night, would you want your W to let you know if things were the other way around? I'd personally want to know. JMO At least you validated her feelings.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I agree with Harrier that you can't replace the history. At some point in your life, you'll look back and remember all the good things between you and your W, no matter what happens.
It's our jobs as LBS to create a new life and new history for ourselves.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Dead horse but just to say I DO agree with you, Harrier. And I remember my parents being away for over nights at that age. they can get into trouble. At 16, an over night to watch a sibling is acceptable by law.
Still, we all worry about our kids. I certainly do and my W has left them alone and I was very pissed when I found out that happened and hadn't been made aware. So for me, this would more be an issue of respecting the other spouse as we would want to know if the roles were reversed.
Of course, I would have to remember that if I were ever to do the same, 'cause I can't be positive I would. lol
Good that this board has many active users who are willing to share our beliefs and opinions.
Nine - I think you definitely should have told her. But, you realized that and apologized. That should be enough. Something tells me that she has done things that will harm the kids more and hasn't admitted her errors or apologized. I guess I am a little bitter today.....
