Huge hugs for you this morning. Believe it or not, you're post was inspiring to me today. I am still waiting for myself now too.
I guess what I'm saying is Thanks for your honest post here today. I am not great with words, but you my friend have put my feelings out there without even knowing me.
You are awesome! You deserve nothing but the best and you will get what you so richly deserve...what that is I don't know, but in time it will be shown to you.
One of best, most insightful and powerful posts I've read since coming to these boards 6 months ago.
I'd wish you luck, but I hear the strength that comes from your words and realize that YOU don't need luck...you have determination which is not by chance...but by absolute will.
Hugs to you Cycler...YOU certainly will survive and there's no question that YOU will flourish. The amazing beauty of your self actualization is absolutely inspiring.
T2
I fell asleep watching the grammy's and did not unplug the phone before I dozed off.
I woke to hear the ringing and was too groggy to think much about it.
So sleepily I answered the phone.
It was him.
He knows I love to watch award shows...how I love to make fun of what everyone wears and guess on each catagory.
....he knew he had his moment and he pounced.
I hung the phone up on him as soon as I realized it was him.
Too late...now he knows I'm home alone...
Gabe is in washington for the week, matt is taking his friend back to georgia......He's headed back to Iraq where he's been for 14 months so they took the road trip together to draw out his return.
I turned out all the lights....
The house was completely dark.....
This house hasn't been completely dark since our oldest hit puberty. Any time of the night on any night of the week, this house is lit up like a christams tree...you can see our house for 1/2 mile. If the police ever saw it dark...on their nightly rounds I do believe they'd stop and see what was wrong.
The doorbell chimed and again and again..
he is not going away.
He has a key but he won't use it.......
He will just stay there until I let him in.... stubborn SOB
then the banging....and the yelling
He's standing in the yard yelling at the dark
What the hell am I gonna do........
Second foolish thought:
Okay, I can do this......... I can let him in and completely ignore whatever words come from his mouth...I will stare at a dot on the wall if I have to but I will hear NOTHING.!!
I sat at the kitchen table with my head in my heads looking down at my slippers on my feet that are dangling off the bar stool and did not look at his face.
He talked for four hours.
I could glimpse the kitchen clock between my bangs if I looked sideways.
I sang songs, I made up stories, I dictated letters in my head...I made up a grocery list, I made up my OBITUARY.
I knew the minute I looked at his face I would either die or give in.
He was asking, then pleading , then begging, then he was angry, and then crying and I was soo afraid he was going to touch me..........I made a plan while he was talking that if he touched me I would run out of the house and get in the car.
Maybe if I just let him get it all out...he'll stop and go away........
I took my hands down from my ears...he stopped then.... and then he left.......very quietly.
I really don't know what to say. I know that you received a message from Vinlad on Water's thread, and hope that Laurie's comforting words gave you some sense of hope and direction for yourself.
A big hug for you from me today.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Feeling okay, I have stuck by my resolve and feel somehow like I am okay.
I even talked with H. for awhile the other night. I am just taking things one moment at a time and I think I am really enjoying this feeling of being more incharge of my life. This is a very different thing for me.....I have always been dictated by kids or H schedules and needs. Things seem to be calm on the bb lately...maybe it's jusy me?
