Legit DBing? or is this just calm before storm?

[MommaDucki]

Bit more backstory about myself, as well as a tad about H and I before I move on...

I'm the oldest of 7 kids. My dad battled with alcoholism when I was very young. Before he and my mom got married, he was also heavily into drug use. He's since recovered, but those early years of them dating, getting M, and up till I was about 8, my mother was an enabler for my dad. He's a very educated man...my mother, not so much...her story is a long one as well, and now's not the time to tell it. I was brought into fights with my parents at a young age. Took to caring for my sisters at 5...changing diapers, helping feed them, etc, just to try to help my mom and make sure my sisters got what they needed. My dad did work..and he worked hard, ALWAYS to make sure we were provided for, but money was tight, he had a few years of being laid off from his job, and I grew up in the welfar system for a bit. When I was 4, my aunt got married to a man that started my downfall as far as R dynamics go. At one point, both my parents were working to make ends meet, and my aunt and new uncle came over to babysit quite often. Was about this time when my new uncle took a liking to me. Always wanted to take me to my room to play because, as he put it, I was older than my two sisters and needed to be playing differently....Long story short, I began to be molested by him. Went on for about 2 years, and I knew what he was doing to me wasn't right. I tried over and over again to tell my parents what he was doing to me, and they always had the same response... "Don't make up lies about your family. He'd never do anything like that." When I was 6, my uncle told me I was too old to be doing that with him now, and a year after that, he and my aunt actually moved far away. Over the years to follow, when they'd be in town to visit, even though I couldn't stand him, I'd never let him alone with any of my sisters and was worried because he had a daughter of his own...

To this day, he had 3 daughters, became an orthodox priest, took over a parrish with an orphanage, was tried and convicted of child molestation on 18 accounts (two of whom were his own daughters), and is now done serving his sentence, living in my aunt's house, and on his deathbed due to a severe health issue.

I hold a grudge because no one believed me, but he got what I feel he deserved.

Because of that early life experience, I was always afraid of men. Felt that I wasn't worthy of just being loved for being a child, or as I got older, a woman. I was raped at 15. Again, not believed (guy raped and almost killed another girl, was tried and convicted, and is still in jail).

Again, giving some backstory of me and how I got to the point of where I am today....

was shortly after the rape that I grew to severely mistrust men, and I started taking an interest in women. i felt safer, but still not happy. Took to being intimate with women, and tried to put on a facade with my family that I was a healthy teenage girl who dated guys. I had a few boyfriends, but didn't really do much with them...no dates, no hanging out, no kissing, or anything else. Talked on the phone lots, but was about it. By the time I graduated high school, I'd gotten into one R with a guy that I thought might have broken my sell, had slept with him, only to have him break up with me the next day and claimed he only wanted to get me to sleep with him and felt I'd lied to him about being a virgin because I didn't bleed like he thought I would (probably due to the moelstationa dn rape...technically, I guess I wasn't a virgin by standard of the word, but I felt I was, because i'd not given myself willingly to anyone. (Probably more about me than anyone has cared to know).

A few months after graduation, I met a guy who, at the time, I thought had changed my world. Finally a guy who actually cared to sit and talk in person, who wanted to take me out and experience the world with me. We went out and acted like two crazy teenagers in love...After a year, he proposed, I'd said yes, and we continued on. I felt on top of the world, but others thought differently, and I finally started wizening up. this guy wouldn't allow me to have friends, had me convinced i didn't need my church anymore, felt I didn't need to finish college because he'd take care of me, wouldn't let me around him if his friends were over (said I'd have more fun with them than with im, so I had to stay away). I still lived at my parents' house at this point, but was rarely home. they did't like him, didn't like who I'd become, my dad even kicked me out a few times, only to call and ask me to come home. After 3 1/2 years, i finally got the nerve to leave him. Gave him back the ring and told him I wasn't meant to have it right then. Was messed up after that, and now had all the fredom i'd missed out on. Had basically flunked out of college due to becomming so enmeshed in his warped world. had been controlled by him and brainwashed into believing that I was good for basically one thing....sex. Looking back now, there was ONE key clue about him that I overlooked from the get-go. I always knew I'd love to get married and have a family one day. When I met him, he told me right of the bat that he never wanted to have kids because it was a W's job to take care of her H, and kids meant less time to care for H, so he did't want them. I was young and naive, and thought I could change him.

So anyhow, moving on again...I had freedom, but no friends. Got caught up with a dysfunctional crowd of alcoholics...took to drinking heavily, was enrolled in school again at that point, but due to my own neglect, started missing classes again. Was out living it up every night at the bars. My parents got worried and one morning when I wouldn't get out of bed again for class, my dad picked me up, put me in the car and took me to a mental care facility. He told them he didn't know what was wrong with me, but he didn't want me at home.

Was diagnosed as an alcoholic, manic depression, borderline personality disorder, and a compulsive liar. (stemmed back to no one believing me about uncle molesting me...grew into habits of telling people what I thought they'd want to hear instead of what was really going on because no one truly cared what happened....messed up, I know, and it led to me not even being able to tell what was truth from what was a lie).

Was put on anti-depressants and intense IC, and started to come out of my fog. At this point, I still had one somewhat close real friend...a girl i'd met early in high school, but she lived out of state. my ex had been ok with me keeping in touch with her because she was far away going to college, so she couldn't impose on my time with him on a day to day basis. This was in 2001 now, btw and I was 21, was still drinking, was sleeping around like crazy and being totally irresponsible. Was feb '01 when ex and I broke up, and by July, I was still barely scraping by in school, working 40 hours a week, and spending almost everything I made at the bars every night...Was a dark time in my life, but if I had to go back and do it again, I probably wouldn't change a thing. So July rolled around, my therapist had suggested I take a vacation to clear my head...thought it would do me some good, and I had summer break from school for two weeks, so i hopped on a plane and went to visit my friend down south.

I fell in love with the area. Compltely and utterly in love. I saw the friendliness of the people, Saw the beauty of the area, felt at home right away, felt relief at not being surrounded by all the memories of ex back at home everywhere I went, and decided I wanted to move down there permanently.

Two weeks later, I'd transferred my job to same company down by friend, her and her bf (now H) were about to move anyhow, so we got a 2 bd apt to share together, and my family had all pitched in and turned my move into a mini-vacation for themselves and helped bring all of my stuff down as well.

I felt happy for once in I don't even know how long. Was working, still drinking on occasion, but felt more in control of myself.

Oct of '01 was when I first met my now H. He and I clicked from the get-go. We did make the mistake of letting our sexual chemistry take control of us, but we dated for a couple of months. H didn't like the fact that I was drinking so much and occasionally being involved in drugs and told me it wasn't healthy and he didn't want to be around me if that was the way I wanted to live life and we just went our separate ways.

I moved on, was 2002 at this pointgot involved with yet another screwed up guy who, looking back, I don't think I ever knew sober...he was always high. We were in an unhealthy, but comfortable place, but once again, I didn't do anything to better my life. Bumped back into now H while I was still with ex-bf in early 2004 and I made the mistake (maybe? not sure) or having EA/PA with now H while with ex-bf. H wanted me to leave bf and I wasn't sure if I was strong enough for it, so once again, H and I went separate ways.

Sept '04 I finally mustered up courage to leave ex-bf, and got into my own place. Was still working my butt off, and found out I knew how to live on my own. Had some really decent friends at the time, but once again, they used drugs too. I'd stopped at this point, but was still around it. Rarely drank anymore, stopped sleeping around, and really started getting my life back in order. May '05 I took a trip up to visit my family and was then that i found out my grandma was about to lose her medical coverage that allowed for her nursing care. At ths time, i was teaching piano freelance, and all but one of my 35 students was about to stop lessons for the summer anyhow, so i made the choice to give up teaching temporarily to to take care of my grandma. She helkped finance my move back up to her house, and we were set on course to build a really unique relationship. I'll always be grateful for the experiemnce. i learned about my family's history and grew to appreciate much more in life than I'd done in the past.

Nov '05 I once again bumped back into now H and we started up a long distance R. He was working steadily, was living with his sister at the time, had a car, and seemed to be doing well (I've told you his issues with me in the past, but not his...both times in past, he'd been unemployed, no car, living out of someone's apt, basically mooching off of them, and working life to his advantage. Bothered me, but never fessed up to myself that it wasn't what i ideally wanted in a guy).

Was happy, but not with life. Enjoyed living with my grandma. She did pay me a monthly allowance, and I was using it towards taking care of past debt...school loans, credit card debt I'd accrued, etc. and was proud of myself. H came back into pic, and I started allowing more of my money to go towards R...travel expenses for example. He paid for trips back and forth as much as I did, but there were still lots of trips, so tons of money being spent. Jan '06 H was laid off from his job, but found new work right away with a new start up complany...wasn't 100% sure of how successful it was going to be, but wanted to put faith into him. Feb '06 and he proposed. I felt I was happy and making a good choice, so of course I said yes. Aug '06 we got married and after wedding, I moved back down to live with H. He'd moved into a rental house before eth wedding, and I began what I hoped would be a long and happy M....lol.

Again, sorry for long post...I won't bore with all the details of M before S...but had a few things to add in because they play into life after S and yet another chapter of my life.

When H and I moved into inlaws' house, we'd left almost all our things at roomie's apt "locked" in what had been our bedroom...more on that later.

Had left most of what we'd taken to inlaws' house as well. When S happened, I'd taken the train with D3 to my parents and took only what was allowed baggage wise my train rules.

More to come, but have to go make dinner for D3 and I, and then off for a short walk with her as well.

Thanks to anyone who's actually read all this.