I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering

[ClingingToHope]

So I believe I have crossed over. I was working in Chicago when the final court hearing took place. There were no calls from L or now XW saying there was a change. No emails from either.

So I guess that's it -- save for some small technical issues and, of course, L's bill.

There's a cryptic post on D12's Facebook page about crying for 30 minutes. I wonder if XW told the girls. I'll call her tomorrow. They were like me ... hoping right up to the end.

I changed my Match and PlentyofFish profile to divorced. I did not change my relationship status to "single" until I know D12 knows because I don't want it to pop up on her page. I've been "complicated" for two years now.

I don't know if I feel any "different" now. People keep saying congrats or giving me happy little sayings. I think I'm still sad though. Divorce is sad. I haven't been too sentimental today because I was very, very busy.

You know, I've lived in fear of being divorced for seven years now. I believe XW brought it up in 2003 or 2004 and one thing I've read is that as soon as a spouse brings up the D word, if the other doesn't want it, then the person who said it has a hammer over your head.

I've been living in fear of the hammer for a long time.

Just sitting here typing has me looking back a bit. I still and always will the person I married. There were no last minute jitters. I felt like I'd won the lottery. No matter how it turned out, it was not a mistake. The wedding was the happiest day of my life -- even more than D12 or D8.

There ... I had to get a little sappy. I have a long weekend ahead of me. I need some sleep.

[cat03]

Sorry to find you here C2H... I'd hate to live with a hammer over my head, no one deserves that... for the one year ex came back I woke up thanking the Lord for him being home, telling him how happy it made me were were together.... I regret nothing...not that I was perfect (though I did try to be the "perfect" wife for him) but I am proud that I went down fighting and if my kids ask, I gave it my all, loved and forgave unconditionally... and that brings me peace.

HEAL first, don't look for a new R if you are still hurting... when you feel like you don't need anyone, then you can go back to online dating... make yourself whole first.

[mishka422]

cat-Would you consider popping over to my thread and telling me a little about the year your X came back and the circumstances. I'm struggling a lot and could use some insight from someone else who as experienced this.

[mishka422]

CTH - So sorry it ended up this way but you are a strong guy and will figure out this new life. Heck, you've really been living it for 2 years but now you have a little more freedom. Get some closure before you try moving on. It's a very important step.

[whatisis]

I don't know if I feel any "different" now. People keep saying congrats or giving me happy little sayings. I think I'm still sad though. Divorce is sad.

Agreed! Would people congratulate you on the death of a loved one? Never! The death of a marriage is just that, a death. People mean well but they're concentrating on your new found "freedom" and they're leaving out the grieving part. They want you to feel good! Feel your grief, have your tears and keep moving ahead. That doesn't mean find a new R quick, it means learn to be CTH and celebrate his victories. It's not an overnight process, as I'm sure you know. You'll get through it, you've been a fighter right from the start. My prayers are with you today.

[Gypsy]

You have yer hammers.. and your hammers.

*hugs*

[ClingingToHope]

Struggled today. I was so busy over the weekend -- and I was out of town -- that I didn't feel much.

Today was the first day of a week of vacation with the girls. I organized it so I could pick the girls up at 8:30 a.m. XW has to be at work by then so I figured I wouldn't see her.

No luck. When I showed up, the girls weren't quite ready so I went inside and XW was there -- and that sucked.

I don't know what I expected. Some sort of sign of regret. I don't know. But she was matter of fact as usual.

I eventually got out of there and the rest of the day was OK. Two company softball games. Girls came to the games and had fun. Went swimming twice at uncle's house.

Still, I had a lot of time to go through my thoughts and it was tough.

Texted back and forth with Church_32 for much of the morning. Texted a lot with her last night.

Not -- hey, let's get together -- texting but church and school stuff. She's going back to college to get her degree.

I'm considering trying for a Master's next year.

Some clues to her breakup with her fiance came out. Apparently, the guy shows a lot of favoritism to his son and Church_32 tried to help him build a better relationship with his daughter.

That's really all I know about what happened there.

There's some deep issues with her about fathers and daughters.

I will be the first to admit that it's a bit of a crutch -- filling a bit of a void for me.

D12 and D8 and I are going to Chicago tomorrow for the day. This is this week's big trip. The rest of the week will be like today, finding cheap fun.

I felt pretty good by the end of the day.

I haven't felt this way in a while, but it's helping me get through today -- The best revenge is a life well lived."

[ClingingToHope]

Chicago trip was great. Best yet. We brought one of D12's friends along and I think that helped ... having a buffer.

Plus, I just felt a lot more peaceful on the trip. I have one goal -- to live without anger. So when things started to travel down the wrong path I did whatever I could to get the girls back on track.

The other thing I've learned over the past couple of years is to let go of being in control. I still have final say on stuff like this, but in the past, since we were making just one trip, I'd try to keep us on track to pack in as much as possible.

Yesterday, I just went with the flow and let girls decide what they wanted to do or not want to do.

Couple of texts this morning on schedule stuff from XW. Quick churning inside, but it subsided.

Not sure what we are doing with this day of vacation. I spent a serious amount of money yesterday so the rest of the week is about trying to find cheap fun.

[ClingingToHope]

Journaling ... Thursday night was the last church group session until September and Church_31 finally had a Thursday off and came.

It would have been just four of us, but D12 really wanted to come and see how I spent my Thursdays. We stayed 30 minutes and D12 interacted great with the other three -- all women and probably my three closest friends in the group.

D12, I think, has no idea that I seriously like Church_31.

Church_31 and I have been texting back and forth a lot the past two weeks, but it's still just friend, school, idle chit chat. Yesterday, she sent me a video of her dog playing at a dog park and some other stuff.

All of my men friends who know about her keep telling me to ask her out. They about had me convinced until I sent a message to another friend in the church group whose advice I value because I'm still not sure.

She thought about it for a day and said she didn't think Church_31 -- who just broke off an engagement -- or I was ready. She said just keep being a friend and Church_31 will let me know if there's something more there.

I've never been one to just make a leap and her advice made sense to me.

The girls stayed over at friends houses last night so I headed out with a couple of friends and talked for 3 hours about lots of stuff. One point I said I felt like I was in high school again. Every guy I know invariably asks me if I've found someone yet. It's like the old locker room days where the cool kids had girl friends and I was on the outside looking in.

I really just want to concentrate on living without anger and fear and letting life sort itself out -- but there's all this outside noise about "having" to find someone.

Weird thing today. XW calls about some camp stuff for D12 and I answered. The girls were going to go over to take care of a stray cat she found, but she forgot to leave the door open for them.

She asked if I had a key to the house and I said no. She asked if I wanted one. I didn't say anything. She explained that she'd like it if I had a key in case something happened to her because her mother and sister wouldn't respond. She said there was nothing at the house she didn't want me to see.

I still don't like being there. I built the two-level garden out of broken up concrete. I built the bridge across the creek. I laid out the stone path. My fingerprints are all over the house, but she's erased me as much as she could.

But, I couldn't formulate an argument in my head other than "it hurts too much" so I said that's fine.

Later, D8 wanted to get her Pokemon cards from XW's house. So we wandered down there and XW had just gotten home, and I saw her and gave her a smile. And then we left. And it sent my brain swirling again. It always does -- still. I sang a little tune in my head over and over again "Something great is going to happen to me."

That helps. Something Great is Going to Happen To Me. It just didn't today.

[whatisis]

CTH, it's funny but I've noticed that it's always at the WRONG time these women seem to show up in our lives! I don't know whether it's because we are so wounded that we aggressively seek out their company or whether it's the moon, who knows LOL. I think your friend is absolutely right. You are in no place to start dating this woman, especially if she's part of a group you depend on for support. Don't mess with what works right now. Validation is like a drug for us dumped guys and we don't even realize we're doing it. Stay the course, for now. If Church 31 is meant to be it will happen but make sure it's when you are ready and doing it for the right reasons. Good restraint...so far!