So I have a question.....My W is not a WAW, I am the offending party here. Do I treat and act as if she is a WAW? I mean I have been going down that road. See a photography job out of town today and I told her I was going to go out with my friends since the kids were spending the night with friends. No sense in me sitting around the house,right?
25 yes I do understate things a bit...only because I hate getting my hopes up if I am wrong. I mis-stated when I said my e-mail was "short". Didnt mean that I was angry or hateful. The message was just brief. I didnt try and tell her every second of my day, frankly I dont think she would care if I told her I was set on fire, and monkeys flew out of my butt. SO.....sorry for the confusion.
I sorry to seem so dumb about this stuff but I havent been able to find any sitch. that is similar to mine. Most of the A sitch. here are the victims in this and I just not sure what do. Thanks all for your continued support and information. You have been incrediable sources of information and I am sure my sitch would be so much worse if not for your guidance. I did recommend this site to my W, during our convo. the other day. I told her she might find it helpful. She wasnt interested, but hey I tried.
never tell her to come here again, and never tell her to read the books
did you read them? You say you did
but it's crystal clear in the books you are not to refer them here or to the site
that's also in the "Sandi Rules"....yikes!!
it's pursuit and it makes you look as if you are using "Tactics" instead of actual real change
it means you got "tips" from us rather than truly looking within and changing
IDK what your goal was there....oh, to PROVE you are learning?
You do that by how you ACT and who you BECOME
SIGH...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I don't think I've read another thread quite like mine, either. I was the WAW/WS and yet, much like you, I was the one who came here.
Listen to these "victims", Chris. I have learned much from them.
I can't say exactly what your W may feel, but let me try to give you a word picture. IMHO, your W is kind of like a woman who has a hysterectomy. The surgery instantly throws her into menopause, regardless of her age. It kind of "shocks" her body, b/c it didn't happen normally. It is an awful lot to deal with and she discovers new things about her body that has drastically changed. The H can't do much about what she's experiencing, but he can be kind to her, patient, and make life as enjoyable as possible. He can make sure that he doesn't add to her problems while she is healing from the surgery and cooping with menopause.
That's kind of where you are in this picture. You have to allow time for the shock to run its course, the healing to take place, deal with her anger, and for her to learn new cooping skills.
When I had surgery, I was in terrible pain. I could not pick up anything that weighed more than a dinner plate for six weeks. I could not do any housework, I could not go back to my job, I couldn't even drive a car! But even after several weeks when I thought things should be getting much better....I would experience pain. I even called my doctor out of concern that something wasn't right. He told me that it was all part of the healing process.
Is she a WAW? IDK, but I think it's like that sudden menopause I was talking about. She is shocked, hurt like he!!, and is facing things that are horrible and unwanted. And, just as some young women have to have a hysterectomy and learn they can no longer have dreams of giving birth to a child, there is a great deal of "grief" she must go through. Anger is also a part of this type of surgery when it comes to one very young.
I know it may sound as if we keep saying to give her space and time, and to work on you being a better man....but that really is the key to having a chance at the future.
Keeping reading DR and other M help books. What have you read so far?
Could you number or list your 180's? I like to see that b/c it seems to really tell how far one has grown.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
stopped emailing/texting (unless it is for a real reason) making plans with friends. no begging or pleading. doing more on my own with the kids. not appearing sad or depressed at home. Working on avoiding the R talks.....this one has been difficult but working hard on it. Some times I get the urge to have a R chat. Have found distracting myself has worked in avoiding this. Sometimes I fail....horrible.
Journal---- Ok, so not sure why....but getting a little anxious today. But, I have not emailed or texted W. I am working hard at backing off, but what if I back off to far? Is that possible? I mean what if she feels I am not interested in working this out? Ugh, hate this feeling...cant focus on my work sitting here staring at my PC waiting for her. Why do I do this to myself?? Ok, for my sanity I am going with she is extremely busy and unable to chat today. I am kind of glad because then that eliminates the chance for me to say something dumb.
but the answers you need are ALL within your thread already.
If you want to make things WORSE, keep freaking out and calling her and nagging her to reassure YOU some more
keep pushing her to comfort and reassure YOU b/c it's all about you feeling secure
never mind HER fears and never mind HER anxiety....make it all about YOU
b/c that's what you did before...
how did that work for you? Oh, wait, I remember. You almost got her to file...
So, hopefully I just slapped some sense into you. Go read the many posts you have gotten on this exact issue.
No, your w will NOT think you are too distant. She might think you actually have changed...
she might think you learned how to back off and respect her wishes...she might...
Who said ignore her? We said be upbeat, pleasant. Don't you have things to talk about other than your feelings?
Of course you do.
You can do this.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks for the B!tch slap 25 I needed that. Yes, have tons to talk about other than my feelings.
um...you're welcome...??
anytime
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
