I disowned my extended family to protect my (then) wife, kids and I. I chose my core family over them. Maybe not the smartest thing in hindsight, but I made that choice. I still talk regularly with my Mom. In fact, I am seeing her this weekend.
I would consider reconciling with some members of my family - but not this sister. She is truly a bad person. Since this is a marriage site, I will mention just one aspect. She has slept with MANY married men. That's just the tip of the iceberg.
I am not sure about her birthday. I waver from day to day. She did make a move towards me when she called about 2 weeks ago. That day I was angry and basically shot her down. I understand why she has stayed dark since then.
As for quitting. I have quit trying to save my marriage, because I felt it was my only option. Not because I truly 100% want to. I have not quit caring, hurting etc. And yes, I do hold on. All the time.
Honestly - I have never fully forgiven anyone that deeply hurt me. But then I really only think I have been deeply hurt by one person that really mattered to me - STBX. That may be why I can't detach and continue to hold on.
there are some great pieces around here about forgiving
Forgivenes is NOT about them. It's about us, and freeing our selves of the pain and anger we feel b/c it hurts US. It can consume us...it usually does.
Some people hold onto their anger b/c they don't think the person they feel anger for, deserves forgiveness.
That's like lighting yourself on fire, to get smoke in their eyes.
Forgiveness is our way out of hell. It means letting go, (and they do not even have to know we've done it.)
It's not about them....I cannot stress this enough.
Your honesty about never forgiving (you won't forgive your sister or other members of your own family either...)
is revealing.
It's actually probably a lot of weight on you that you don't realize. I am NOT saying you must invite them into your life if you think they are dangerous...again, they don't even have to know.
Not forgiving, does take energy.
That energy could be better spent, helping you create a better life for you and your children. They are watching you, and you are modelling for them what a strong man with dignity does, when he's dealt a serious body blow.
What do they see?
how about you...
Get up, dust yourself off, and go, from this day forward.
No looking over your shoulder at the shore, b/c you have to swim to the other side...and it IS better.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I figure once I manage to forgive STBX, I will be able to forgive anyone for anything. In the meantime the anger/pain is no longer consuming me. I'm actually feeling pretty good at the end of day 15 of dark. Maybe because I just got off phone with the friend I'm visiting in Calgary next week. I am getting excited now.
I need to admit this here. This morning I was missing STBX so bad, I almost broke the darkness. I actually drove past the restaurant she works at. Thankfully she was not at work yet. I am not sure what I would have done if she was. I would like to think, I would remember my pact with NineLives and StillLearning and not done anything. Maybe, like an addict, I just wanted to get a sniff of the drug and see if I could resist. I really don't know.
I had a great talk with my former Boss who now manages another dealership in our group. He was my rock in the early months of separation. He is now separated as well, but in a very happy relationship with a new woman. Every time I speak with him I feel better and he always compliments on how far I have come.
For those that have been following my saga, there has been no response to me putting the cards in the package of stuff I had S17 give to STBX. That's actually a good thing. I know it wasn't the best idea, but it's what I needed to do that day. It's done now and I will let it go.
The end of day 16 of dark nears as I also have to admit that I wonder what is going on in STBX life. I hear very little from the kids and the big difference now is that I don't try to in any way. I guess after you spend over 20 years with someone, having real difficulty detaching is understandable. Still working on that...and I could be for years.
Today is D19 boyfriend's birthday. He is a great guy and I am happy she has had him during a tough time. In the past, I would never publicly say what I feel. Today on his FB page, I wrote "Happy birthday _______. Thanks for being the perfect man to love my daughter and for her to love". Being truly in touch with my emotions is one thing I got from this experience. That I am thankful for.
17 is my lucky number. Thanks to Wendel Clark as a Maple Leaf. Non hockey fans will have no idea what that means.
Today is day 17 of darkness. While it does help me with detaching thing, it also tells me just how settled in STBX has become in her life with OM/Boss. I wonder if she could go right up until Divorce day next summer without even talking to me once. She certainly has detached. I suppose a new man makes that easier and in fact, effortless.
Feeling a little down today, but not too bad. Just lonely. Friends are good and GAL helps, but some days I just miss cuddling. Nothing can replicate that. When I think of her sharing that with HIM...well it's best that I don't do that.
Tomorrow the kids and I are driving my Mom's new (to her) car up to her. I have not seen her in quite some time. It feels good to be able to do something nice for her.
I could really use support of you folks today. I'm up early because I have a busy day, but also because I couldn't sleep after last night. I broke the darkness and called STBX regarding S17 odd behavior. This will be a long post. I have lots to get out of my churning belly.
STBX told me that S17 is smoking marijuana. I expected that already but was not sure. Apparently it's not a chronic thing or even close, but it is a sign that he is not as fine with things as he likes to show.I need to wait for him to talk to me about it and then give him some guidance. That isn't even what has me so upset. We talked about some other stuff too....
She told me that she told S17 to cut me some slack since I am "in pain" now. I denied that and said I don't want her talking to the kids about me. Bottom line - she knows I am still hurting. Much like S17 I guess I don't hide it as well as I think I do.
She said she is "very happy" and "enjoying her life", but she knows I don't want to hear that. I said "no I want you to be truly happy". In some ways I do, but those of you who have followed my story know that I truly don't want her to be happy with OM/Boss and she is. She wouldn't clearly say it, but they are obviously becoming very serious. After 8 years of pining for each other, this isn't just a fling.
Every year, including the last 2 while separated we have taken the kids on vacation at XMAS time. Since I have disowned my extended family, this was the best option for us. I asked STBX what we are going to do this year. I want to have our vacation and don't want to sit at home alone on XMAS. I said maybe we could go to a resort that has "sister" resorts where you stay at one, but can use the facilities at the other one(s) next door. That way the kids could see both of us, but we could still be apart. She is going to want to have OM with her too. There is no way I would even want to be on the same flight as him. I couldn't handle seeing him lounging poolside with the woman he took from me.
Talking about XMAS made me realize (again!) just how far gone she is and how much it truly affects our life. I said "I don't want you to have to choose between your BF and your kids". She said "they come first". That obviously isn't true or she would be here today. I admit I was temperature checking with the term BF and she didn't say a word.
She was talking to me on her cell phone and while we were talking her apt. phone rang. It was obvious that it was him calling. Actually hearing her talk to him in the sweet voice that used to be reserved for me hurt like hell.
She ended the conversation to go take a shower. Without trying I can still picture the last time I saw her naked - in the shower during XMAS vacation of 2010. Yep...that all came back to me and upset me more.
I suppose nothing new came out of the call, but it made things so much more real. I have been staying dark and that helps in some ways, but also allows me to ignore the reality. Yes, I quit trying to save our marriage, but it doesn't mean I still don't want her back. I can finally admit that I STILL do. I only quit because I have no other choice. I am going to go nuts otherwise. Almost 2 years after I returned here and I still miss her every day. I still think of her the moment I wake up and she is still the last thing I think of when I go to bed. I have never admitted this here, but when I go to sleep, I touch what used to be her side of the bed and say "Good night _____, I love you".
There are a few things that we didn't discuss or didn't finish discussing that I think it's best we do. So, I am likely going to call her again today and get them out of the way. It will add even more pain, but it may as well all come at once. Then I will go back to the somewhat false safety of darkness.
I have said this before; I used to love Sundays so much. Now I actually almost hate them. There were our family day and now they are the day I miss her and our family the most. Today, will be even harder than usual.
Again, I need the support of my fellow d'bers today. It hurts like hell today.
I am soooooo sorry to hear about all your pain and there is Really NOTHING I can say to make it go away. I hope that you are not one of those people that are doomed to be attached to somebody that has MOVED on. I know somebody in my town here that is in that sich 10 years later.
HE wont date, he pines for his ex ( who he mistreated badly) and hopes he gets another chance while his life passes him by.
I dont want to see that happen to you BTM. You MUST start moving forward and GAL. Some of the things that you mentioned really have me concerned. If she KNOWS that you are still in pain, then she knows she has you as PLAN B no matter what happens with OM. YOU have to move forward man. I know how much this hurts, IT HURTS me too with my W and I dont think I love her any less than you love your wife but when the writing is on the wall, you have to read it.
Rick Kehoe would also want you to move on. ( Did you get that referenc my fellow Canadian). And as for the touching of her side of the bed, YOU HAVE TO STOP THAT!!! Things like that keep you stuck. I balance off so many I love you's in my head to my W with an equal amount of I hate what you have done to our family and less of both of those btw as the days go by.
Sundays are tough? Then find something on Sundays that will take your mind off this stuff. You are NOT going to heal otherwise BTM.
The leaf's are spinning their wheels for years, please dont be a Harold Ballard and be the architect of your own demise.
Start today, Drop that effen rope for real and start GAL for REAL. Dont look back. IF and ONLY IF she ends her OM thing and decides to join you can you cross that bridge.
LIFE IS TOO SHORT.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Can't think of any words that will comfort you BTM. Sounds like you have a lot of work to do within yourself.
The thing that helped me handle the pain the most was my prayer life and spirituality, but I wont preach.
If you are truly resigned as you say, you have only one choice and that is make the most of it (Easier said than done I know). But first of all you've got work on letting go of those feelings that make you sad and depressed. It's time.
Is there any thing you wanted to do, but couldn't while married? Or just broaden your horizons. Don't be afraid, you still have a life to live ahead of you.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Thanks Nine and Pickle. We had the second part of the conversation this morning and this time I was more prepared. I actually made a list of things to discuss to keep me grounded. Most of it was financial, logistical stuff, so no need to go into detail here. I was very straight forward, concise and clear. I did well.
STBX did clarify one thing. She claims that the one thing that hasn't changed about me and that was the downfall of our vacation at this time last year was that I was still all consuming of her. I took too much. I was too black and white. I validated, but still explained why I am that way - in short, that is who I am.
I think she cried once and at point said "it's all so sad". I tried not to have too much R talk, but at this point it is entangled with logistics etc to some extent. As the call ended, I asked if she is ok. She said "I am never ok after a talk with you". In a moment of weakness and honesty, I admitted the same. I said "you are like a drug to me. Talking feels good in the moment, but I often feel worse or bad for doing it".
In this case, I actually felt better after the second talk. I also had a long talk with a friend who has been helping me through all this. He and his wife are reconciling right now. I directed him to MWD's books and this site. They gave him a chance to save his marriage.
STBX and I agreed to talk again regarding a few issues. I will go back to dark again, at least until her birthday on June 23.
I will be busy the rest of the day and that's a good thing.
You are better and you need to work on moving further in that direction.
Surrender. It's a liberating word. It means you stop resisting.
It is not your W you are resisting, or her new R. It is your own emotions and place in life that you are resisting. That is making you stuck.
As nine said, your ritual of touching "her side" of the bed is just one example of many that keeps you stuck. Stop resisting the reality you find yourself in.
You have a full bed. It might be time to sleep in the centre of the bed, or even move to "her side". It might be emotionally uncomfortable at first and possibly even physically uncomfortable. What you will find when you put yourself in that situation, you will find that things start to change positively. You will look at certain things that have kept you stuck in a different way, and then you can act accordingly. Affecting your life positively.
We often hear or remind ourselves to believe none of what we hear and 50% of what we see. That we need to remember that they are hurting, too. And maybe... just maybe... for the next week, may I suggest you believe everything of what you hear and see. Allow and surrender to the idea that she IS happy, that she HAS moved on, that she IS NOT coming back.
Give that a chance for just one week, and see how that's helped your detachment.
