I could really use support of you folks today. I'm up early because I have a busy day, but also because I couldn't sleep after last night. I broke the darkness and called STBX regarding S17 odd behavior. This will be a long post. I have lots to get out of my churning belly.
STBX told me that S17 is smoking marijuana. I expected that already but was not sure. Apparently it's not a chronic thing or even close, but it is a sign that he is not as fine with things as he likes to show.I need to wait for him to talk to me about it and then give him some guidance. That isn't even what has me so upset. We talked about some other stuff too....
She told me that she told S17 to cut me some slack since I am "in pain" now. I denied that and said I don't want her talking to the kids about me. Bottom line - she knows I am still hurting. Much like S17 I guess I don't hide it as well as I think I do.
She said she is "very happy" and "enjoying her life", but she knows I don't want to hear that. I said "no I want you to be truly happy". In some ways I do, but those of you who have followed my story know that I truly don't want her to be happy with OM/Boss and she is. She wouldn't clearly say it, but they are obviously becoming very serious. After 8 years of pining for each other, this isn't just a fling.
Every year, including the last 2 while separated we have taken the kids on vacation at XMAS time. Since I have disowned my extended family, this was the best option for us. I asked STBX what we are going to do this year. I want to have our vacation and don't want to sit at home alone on XMAS. I said maybe we could go to a resort that has "sister" resorts where you stay at one, but can use the facilities at the other one(s) next door. That way the kids could see both of us, but we could still be apart. She is going to want to have OM with her too. There is no way I would even want to be on the same flight as him. I couldn't handle seeing him lounging poolside with the woman he took from me.
Talking about XMAS made me realize (again!) just how far gone she is and how much it truly affects our life. I said "I don't want you to have to choose between your BF and your kids". She said "they come first". That obviously isn't true or she would be here today. I admit I was temperature checking with the term BF and she didn't say a word.
She was talking to me on her cell phone and while we were talking her apt. phone rang. It was obvious that it was him calling. Actually hearing her talk to him in the sweet voice that used to be reserved for me hurt like hell.
She ended the conversation to go take a shower. Without trying I can still picture the last time I saw her naked - in the shower during XMAS vacation of 2010. Yep...that all came back to me and upset me more.
I suppose nothing new came out of the call, but it made things so much more real. I have been staying dark and that helps in some ways, but also allows me to ignore the reality. Yes, I quit trying to save our marriage, but it doesn't mean I still don't want her back. I can finally admit that I STILL do. I only quit because I have no other choice. I am going to go nuts otherwise. Almost 2 years after I returned here and I still miss her every day. I still think of her the moment I wake up and she is still the last thing I think of when I go to bed. I have never admitted this here, but when I go to sleep, I touch what used to be her side of the bed and say "Good night _____, I love you".
There are a few things that we didn't discuss or didn't finish discussing that I think it's best we do. So, I am likely going to call her again today and get them out of the way. It will add even more pain, but it may as well all come at once. Then I will go back to the somewhat false safety of darkness.
I have said this before; I used to love Sundays so much. Now I actually almost hate them. There were our family day and now they are the day I miss her and our family the most. Today, will be even harder than usual.
Again, I need the support of my fellow d'bers today. It hurts like hell today.
