Legit DBing? or is this just calm before storm?

[25yearsmlc]

how close are you to having enough money to get out? The car bill was $1300?

Geez, how about signing an IOU and borrowing the money from him and deducting it from the divorse settlement, what with all the massive wealth you have amassed with him?

Sorry had to toss that jab in, b/c any man who can't "loan" the mother of his child some cash

OR who LETS HER AND THEIR CHILD SLEEP ON THE SOFA...is just a boy.


SO, you need a security deposit, and some sort of income to rent, or enough cash to pre pay rent a few months. Did you save much while at your parents?


Can you borrow from them? I'm talking signing a promissory note and all, not asking for handouts...just an idea.


How's the job search going?


Oh, And having him watch D while he's not working is SO FAIR...it's literally the least he could do...


no wait, he's doing the LEAST he could do, now...

did he send enough child support while you were at your parents? If not, you can probably get arrears...and NO, I doubt he can charge you rent right now b/c ooops, you're still m


At least you seem to have a plan and you are not wracking your precious energy on trying to win back a man who clearly isn't trying to win you back
Bravo for the progress (not being sarcastic)


you're right, he's a man who cannot be alone (there are a LOT of those around...) For the life of me, I don't get it but I sure do see it a lot.


It's one of the advantages of being female/moms I guess.

I CRAVE my alone time...maybe that will change when our youngest leaves. She starts high school this fall and there IS a little clock in the back of my mind saying "NOW what are you doing with your life?"

Be good to yourself but don't believe he is...

yet yes, you have to be grateful for the "moments"...the times he's good to D, or pleasant enough to you so you recall the parts of him that are lovable, even if ever dwindling or even if the ego/ugly sides grow bigger

savor them...

Do NOT read into them...instead of thinking he wants a real marriage with you, just savor the "gifts" of decent times together...

IF he is ever mature and serious about being m to you again

You'll know. He'll be clear, convincing and there won't be ANY crap going on in the next room, or that sick feeling you get when you wonder where he is with your car or wherever....

btw why on earth doesn't this working male own a car?

Anyhow, do make sure he gets some visitation rights/duties, in writing


for YOU so you can work and keep on GAL (what's up with those anyway?) and


for HIM so he can man up...PLUS someday if he does grow up,

he'll thank you for insisting he have a R with his daughter. No man regrets that.



But some men never learn


I have 5 brothers. One of them is sort of "addicted" to going overseas to the Wars...


he left his first w and only d, years ago when they lived in New England. Before 9-11,

Back Then he moved 400 miles away for an exciting job in DC but still, it was just a job. He lost that job after 2 years but stayed in DC so he simply wanted to be around the "action"....


My bro chose the job b/c I believe he could only handle being a "full time one on one dad" a few days a month.

Every time he had his d, and I mean EVERY SINGLE TIME that I know of, he invited siblings/nieces/nephews over to entertain her...I never ever saw him play with her one on one


He read to her...true. But that ended at a young age so...

she grew up seeing my brother as her dad, sort of.

She has a GREAT R with her stepfather, who is THERE FOR HER every day and evening....he saw her shows and met her dates and met all her friends...

took her to the doctor when sick if her mom could not. Stepfather is artistic, as is mother. and now my niece has a show coming up at her college. Got a scholarship to Tufts for her designs!!!

None of this is my bro's influence. Which is fine, but do you think he learned anything from this??

sadly, no




my niece actually seems to view my brother as her loving uncle more than a father figure. He never got mad at her, he spoiled her materially


but he wasn't present and it's HIS loss..more than anything..she's a great young woman, thanks for my ex SIL, with whom I'm still close.


FAST FORWARD to today,

my brother has remarried a very kind woman, who's also smart like his first w.

But not nearly as funny, socially skilled or beautiful and just not the "trophy w" he left his first ex w for!!

Oh the irony...I mean I love my "new" SIL too, but she's no comparison, you know?


So they are having a baby now...meaning my brother, age 57, is getting a 2nd chance at fatherhood...a frickin' miracle, right?


But wait, he's signed on for another tour in Afghanistan, and he does NOT have to go. He's a civilian!!...says he "needs the money"...

he's a lawyer so you tell me, is there really more CASH and work over there for lawyers???

Hmmm, me thinks he's into the adrenaline and war stories, etc....not so much the diapers and drool.

New sil is THRILLED to have the first/only grandchild of HER family's side...and I am honestly truly happy for HER


but my brother will be 75 when his 2nd child graduates from high school



you'd think he'd be around now, while he can, or at least do safer things...but no, no no nooo.

And btw, his wife is high risk preggers too....

He told us he's going over seas for "important work" for a big time General he "deeply admires" and blah blah blah and he emailed our entire family (there are 9 of us) to explain his new plan (as if we all need to know what's up)


But he's leaving his wife at this time in his wife's and baby's life...



not one of us answered him. None of us planned that, it's just that we just don't get it.

He's a fool. He's learned nothing from the childhood of his first child, which he missed CHUNKS of...

(I and my h and 3 other siblings were military and have worked with "important Generals...but seriously, at this cost? I'm shaking my head even now...)
and

I feel sorry for my new sil, but I'm happy for her with the baby as it was so hard for them to conceive ( esp b/c my idiot bro was overseas for 3/4 of their m so far...)

IDK why I'm telling you this,



I suppose my point is, NO, not all WAS's learn "life lessons" or improve in their 2nd m's...

some of them learn squat...case in point, my educated bro ^^^


You know, in a way you are like my ex sil. She was crushed when my brother left her those years ago. Really. But even then, I had KNOWN he was a lousy h. No temper, no abuse. Just emotionally lazy. Also lazy around the house and all. But just not "into R's..."

and we thought it was THEIR M, but he's like that in ALL his r's with women. Wants low maintenance and little expected of him but fidelity and humor, and affection if he's around. He has no temper, to his credit. But he's just a lazy flim flam guy, ya know? Even with his education...


So my former SIL is literally MUCH happier now than she EVER was OR EVER COULD HAVE BEEN with my brother b/c relationships to him, are


simply not as vital to his ego/world view, as what he does professionally/publicly


haven't been since college



so she is truly honestly and fully better off and now, thank God, SHE knows it...her m today, is to a man who values HER and their R more than anything else in his life

and it shows...

But as for my new sil? I think she's preparing herself for the life of a single mom with an overseas "h" who "sends" his love with emails...we did tell her before the married, "hey, what you see is what you get. Brother won't change AFTER the vows..." so she was warned.


Unlike my former sister in law, this one had few options. Though well educated and kind, she's no looker, rarely dated, and I think she feels my brother is better than nothing & she gets to be a mom



So, given that they ARE having the baby (HER idea, for sure)

she's settling for that. I suspect they'll be divorced within 5 years. But she'll have gotten her wish; motherhood. I understand that. It's just not really a marriage, you know? More like a friend making a sperm donation...



OH WAIT I just recalled the ONE exception and how revealing it was...my bro DID love a woman right before he met new sil. He was crazy about her and called me SO HAPPY he was "in love first time in decades" (he didn't count first m as "in love" I guess)

The woman he was crazy about was a looker/trophy wife with a serious career in journalism...


BUT ALAS, she had...something wrong with her...she had....um....what's that word?

um....gee...oh wait, I know, she had reciprical EXPECTATIONS of fairness from my bro!!


the nerve!!!


She thought if she moved for my bro's job, someday years later, HE'D do the same for HER!!

What??? Uh, yeah well, NO.


So he married the woman with low expectations of him...and seems to be getting what HE wants... except he's not famous or adored or admired by his family, which seems to matter to him A LOT.

And this child won't know him except by his letters. And my bro will want us to portray him to his child, as a hero with a cause, if he passes on...

delusional

enough of me, hope you remember,

some of them learn squat. Never assume down the road that your h is NOW a great catch, just great for another...it's not like that for the WASs

You will end up in a good place like my former SIL

if you really get this DB thing

B/C we save ourselves first, and sometimes that saves our m.
But no matter what, WE are better for it.

Tell me about your GAL and 180s...and

((( )))