New - HELP! Tried the 180/Last Resort & Failed

[AloneAt35]

Thank you 25years and Sandi,

I really needed your encouragement and sympathetic words today. My posts are passing moderation slowly, but I'll keep posting just because I need the outlet.

Sandi, you hit the nail on the head when you said that I feel like a child forsaken by a parent. When ex-partner took me in, my parents were involved in a bitter divorce and neither wanted custody. There was literally no food in my house - no one fulfilling parental responsibilities - and ex-partner stepped up. He helped me with homework, helped me apply to college, took me on my college visits, taught me to drive, took me to my junior prom...everything. So its no wonder that we fell into a caretaker/dependency relationship.

Still, we had a great, loving, and happy partnership but then about 10 years ago, ex-partner suddenly stopped wanting to have 'physical relations' with me...He said he didn't know why but it made him feel 'guilty' or 'wrong' - ironic that he would feel guilty about it long after I became an adult. His lack of interest in sex bothered me now and then, but every time I managed to lovingly cajole him into 'relations', he'd say "WOW, we should really do that more often!" And he was always affectionate (lots of hugs and kisses), and cuddled me every night and would say, "Isn't that more important and nicer anyway?" So, I didn't push him for more and I always thought he might be a bit depressed, etc., or just have a low libido. Plus, we had such a happy relationship otherwise: no couple had more pet names for each other, more inside jokes, more shared interests, fewer arguments, or a greater friendship than we did. (When he told his guy-friends that he was leaving me, he said they all said, "No way, you LOVE her so much, it makes my wife jealous!")

Then around Valentine's day this year, the intimacy stalemate broke open. I initiated, he rejected me (which I had become accustomed to) but for some reason, it made me a bit weepy. He felt terrible and gave me a Valentines Day card that said "This is a voucher for 'one fixed partner', I am going to therapy to get this issue solved!" I was on cloud nine. Within two weeks his behavior became bizarre and then two weeks later he dropped the IDLYAM bomb.

So in a way, though it seems like he is in a raging MLC, I know the problems were deeper. I think those problems were solvable - but ex-partner couldn't deal with them. He said his lack of interest in sex must be because he didn't love me enough. He also said that he always felt he had to be "restrained" when having 'relations' with me - to which I responded, "I've been restraining myself with you FOR YEARS for fear of scaring you away forever since my interest in sex seemed greater than yours!" It was a breakthrough, but he had already begun his bizarre relationship with OW. (I'm sure he has no problems being intimate with her - but how do I know?)

So, in our last conversation when he brought up "guilt" about our age difference and saying he "just shut down" it was more than the MLC speaking, it was something that has obviously been burdening and incapacitating him for years. I'd like to believe both you that some day he *might* want me back, but clearly he is convinced it could never 'work' between me and him or else he would have fulfilled the promise in his Valentines Day card to work on his issues rather than walking out and starting up with OW.

Yet, at the same time, in the book "Men in Midlife Crisis" I read that during the first stages of a MLC men often completely lose interest in being intimate with their wives/partners and that these "latent" stages of MLC can last for years - but 10 years of 'latency' before hurdling themselves into "replay"!?!?!? If this is attributable to MLC, its been one very long, protracted MLC.

So now you've heard about the one issue that wasn't good between us and which seemed to precipitate this whole thing. How do I possibly address an issue this deep that wasn't mine to begin with?

PART II:

In regard to both of your comments about his relationship with OW... Sandi, I've wondered myself whether it began sooner than ex-partner said it did: like when he started to act bizarre during those short weeks before dumping me. He kept on saying things like, "Was I ever infatuated with you in the beginning of our relationship??" And, "I don't ever remember being obsessed by you at the beginning of our relationship??" He also said over and over, "Its strange that I'm able to be so charming in the beginning of a relationship even though I'm a shy person - I really can charm people!" Looking back on it, it makes me think that something casual online might have been going on.

When he told me about OW, he also said he'd gone to the dating site because he was desperate to see if he "could feel something again." So, its certainly possible that he decided to 'test the waters' online before dumping me. He even said something about not liking the idea of being a 'swinging monkey' in a relationship: 'not able to able to let go of one vine before securely grabbing on to another.'

His relationship with OW also got so SERIOUS so FAST, that it seemed impossible he had only began chatting with her a few weeks before as he had claimed - so maybe he had started up something in that month leading up to dropping the IDLYAM bomb - but he swore to me several times that it didn't start until AFTER he told me "its over between us"! He even says he went on the dating site for the first time when I went to my sisters house for comfort the weekend after he said our relationship was finished.

YET, when he 'dumped me' he seemed so relieved and was actually almost smiling - the exact same smile he had when he confessed that he had found OW - SO WHO KNOWS?!

WHO THE HECK KNOWS!?!

Sandi and 25years, given this new information, do you have any fresh insights for me?

All I can do is survive right now, and its so hard to deal with the hurt of him not loving me anymore...it certainly would be easier if I could believe that his lack of love for me was the *result* of him being infatuated by another woman rather than the *cause* of him becoming infatuated by another woman. Does that make any sense?

He certainly always seemed to be in love with me (though shy about s-e-x) - I even have little love notes he wrote just after Christmas and hid around the house. How did it change so fast?