Thanks for stopping by...I could feel all the warmth and it was great.
I do a little better hour by bour....
I feel like I'm out at sea drifting on my surfboard and riding huge swells up and then down looking for the shore... The sun is hot and the water is so blue... but I don't see land yet....I'm just burning up in the sun and getting thirsty....
I realized a lot of people have situations that are worse than mine.......I have a horrible situation but as bad as it is there those that are just as bad or worse.....sadly, I am reminded each time I look at the bb....
But I also know this is a learning experience and we are all growing from what we go through.
I honestly don't know how some manage to go for as long as they do??????
How do they do it? Is it will power? Determination? Maybe ignorance? or could it be the failure to accept things for what they are???????????????????????????
Somewhere in the last few days I happened upon someone's thread that vinland responded to.....and some things fell into place for me...
Basically she was saying they go back to their crazy behavior to get closure and resolution on each phase....I think he has been in replay for probably twenty years now....and will never leave there...never get resolution........it just isn't possible.......unless God wills it.....he may never get the answers. I finally saw this.....I have been deluding myself....and when I refused to see it...God finally told me to stop....He had to throw it in my face before I would finally accept it....I almost lost my home, my children, everything I ever had just to stay with him........willing to accept whatever tiny morsel he gave...while he laughed at my pathetic soul......
Who knows maybe he is asking the wrong questions! Or looking in the wrong place.......I don't have the answer to that.........
I know he is a crazymaker and can't help himself..
I just can't do it anymore...I can't be the one to watch him self destruct and take me down with him....and the kids!!......
I know that I will not survive....The person who is me would have to stop existing...and I have worked so hard to like myself and be happy with me...that I can't let him take it away.......
I can't be what he wants....
Because he wants me to be something I am not...
I guess there comes a time when you draw your line in the sand and know ...that's it........that is as low as I go.........I can stoop no lower..........
Even if I WANTED to take all the blame, all the responsibility, all the pressure, all the guilt, all the change it still would not get a happy result...or even a workable one......not even something like compromise. So that's when you say.....enough........
ENOUGH
Even me with all my faith, hope, caring, loving, patient, nurturing, understanding, waiting, tolerating, acceptance, appreciation, encouragement and validation....came to see that it is a bottomless pit.........
I will give to him until I am no more..........and it will not change a thing.............
What he wants me to do is too despicable, too vile......too degrading......................
My best is not good enough.
and that is okay, with me....I would rather know now.......not one minute longer...not one day more........ not one year more out of my life gone for nothing......
I said earlier I was waiting...I think I was waiting for me.
For me to be present...without him.....without someone there making me be someone I am not......
I could cease to exist and he would not notice...Because to him...I don't exist....I am not a real live person with flesh and bone....I am just a ghost who he lets in the door sometimes and if I drift in and float around the room for a while he tells himself he is not alone...someone is there......
I mean he doesn't know me....he doesn't acknowledge I exist...I only exist if I am agreeing or pleasing him.........
He sees only a vision...of what he wants... to think I am......
Sometimes I don't know how they stand the agony....
I cannot be a willing accomplice in the wonton destruction of another human being..............
I cannot be a little piece of life that he takes down from the shelf and plays with......
I cannot be just one of a crowd..........one of a
Well, I am more than that...I may not have much to give.....but what I give is really me
I know this all may sound like a lot of rambling.......
I can't come out and say what happpened just yet, because...I can't get through it yet.
Somehow if I write it... it is too real ....too raw...too embarrassing and humiliating...and for some reason I can't bring myself to do it...like it will somehow make me less than who I am......
I know I did nothing wrong......
I did nothing I would be ashamed of.......
I held onto the little piece of me that was left inside and I walked...........
I walked out the door and down the stairs and into the elevator.....and as I got in the elevator I realized that the doors had just opened for me as though they were waiting for me at that very moment.
I came out into the lobby, got into the car and went down the street to the light at the corner. My mind was totally empty. I kept going and didn't stop, I was heading home.... until I was home.....where I should be.......where I needed to be.
I don't answer the phone anymore, I erase all the messages before I listen to them. I don't care and it doesn't matter and every night at eight thirty I unplug the phone, I don't know why eight thirty, it just seems right. I kiss my sons goodbye everytime I leave the house and every night they are there. I call my girls every night and chit-chat awhile just to let them know I am okay and so they won't try and call me or him.....
He doesn't exist anymore... he never did.... I never had a husband... or a father for my children.... it was all an illusion, something I made up in my head... and he knew it...he knew all along, he just couldn't say it
