Legit DBing? or is this just calm before storm?

[MommaDucki]

Trust me when I say this 25....Honestly NOT wanting to be with H right now and doing EVERYTHING I can possibly muster up to get us out....only option I'd have right now to just up and leave would be to go to a shelter. Don't really want to do that to D3, so I just keep on trucking along and trying my best to keep up a PMA as best I can about life in general...that this is temporary....and know that I'm on my way to getting out of here.

Told H not long after we got here that right now, we're almost strangers to each other, and that from what I can tell, I don't really even like him right now. He's still high and mighty about himself and has boasted to me about how he's changed so much more than I have since the S. I was dying with laughter on the inside....I KNOW I've changed, others know I've changed, H doesn't see any of it, because he made the choice long ago to D, and though he's talked about working on M off and on, he still won't really look at himself to see why I don't want to be with him right now. I can't make him stay M to me, can't make him do anything. I can make myself do what I feel is best for D3. I've been really soft with him and he's walked all over me...I know this.

I've always been good at letting others walk all over me...most of my life since I was a teen in fact. Not exactly what I want D3 thinking of me. I can only be really assertive so much though, and though it doesn't seem I'm being that way with H right now, it's because I'm wearing thin due to other things I'm being overly assertive about.

Trying to stop relying on him or anyone else for things I know I'm capable of doing myself.

Only thing I want right now from H is to have him back off about trying to talk D terms with me.

D is something he wants on and off, and snce S, when he's not having an interest with OW, he's focused on himself and starts talking M again with me. When I tell him I'm just not sure we're ready for that yet, he pulls back, starts something up with OW, and says D again. Te spin I get on it is he knows I'm not tolerant of his EAs with OW (all these OW are different mind you, almost all have been strictly EAs, as he finds women who are in Rs themselves and always live out of state.)

K, think I'm defending again...what I'm getting at is, he reacts to my stance on not just dropping my whole life to run back to him. He talks M with me when he starts getting lonely and wants someone to take care of him, cook, clean, help with bills, etc...

I know this about him...have always known...I know he eventually wants a real legit R with someone, and seeing as we're legally married, I've somehow mustered up the stupidity and strength to sit around waiting for him to make up his mind.

I read through his words and see through his actions and know what's coming my way before he's spoken or acted. I know I deserve better, but it could be worse. I guess I'm just settling for now because other aspects of my life are moving in directions I want.

We basically are roomies right now. He has his bedroom, D3 and I sleep on sleeper sofa in livingroom. Biggest annoyance living here is bathroom acess means going through his room.
Wanted to add a note in here about his lack of respect with my car. This is me owning up to my own actions. Like I've said before...wasn't a planned thing for D3 and I to move into H's apt, so H didn't have time to move things around for us too much, but at least it was clean in here. Just some random boxes and whatnot up against some of the walls (long story behind all that). A ew days after we got here, I did (without talking to H first) sort through and put away all the stuff to make more room for D3. Was annoyed he didn't do it, and now he can't find anything, but D3 has more room for her things and room to play inside. H felt I didn't respect him because I didn't even talk to him before I moved it all around.

Thanks for the tough love 25. Did hurt a little, but sometimtes, the truth hurts, right? Reason I want to fight it so badly is because of a flaw of mine. Grown and on my own, yet certain people in my life are still always trying to tell me what to do and how to do it, so I'm still fighting with the rebellious child inside to not head the advice of others and do the opposite, even when it's not good for me.

Wanted to add....the two times H's gone out since we moved in, I was annoyed about the car incident the other night...time before that, he took the bus, but it was nice to have him out of the house for awhile. I mean, I get away from him when I'm working...and have gone out a few times with friends without taking D3 as well...but it's nice to have him out of the house and not either following me around the apt asking why i'm doing what i'm doing, or trying to entertain me by showing me all "these really cool things on the pc" lol. I think it's why I get mixed signals. H doesn't like being alone....wants attention, always, and he tries so hard to keep my full attention on him and it's just not happening.