Have several threads over boards, spend loads of time reading so many of y'all's sitches, and I feel or have felt like so many of you out there. Right now, I feel so utterly lost for words, I'm not sure where to begin....
So, H and I seperated 2 1/2 years ago...At first, like so many, I was angry, hurt, in pain, etc...GAL, to an extent just went about my life as if a single parent, and 3 weeks ago, moved back into my H's life. D3 and I had moved 1300 miles away when S happened, and after really getting ahold of my life again, and tons of mental clarity, so much anger, pain, and hate released, and forgiveness achieved on some levels, I moved back down to where H lived. Was with the intent of getting here and having the money to go right into our own place and H stay at his place till we better know what's going on with us, etc. Due to car trouble on the way down, most of my new place money was spent to finish our trip/move, so H offered to have us stay with him for the time being.
Confusion begins. Though I've never wanted D, H has been back and forth on D since we S. I don't feel us living in the same place is healthy just yet, as I feel we'd be prone to falling back into old habits. Has been hard, but so far, I'm staying true to the person I reclaimed/became in the time we've been apart. H has changed too....
The reality for me is this...H said when we got here he wants D...much talking from him and much listening from me (which is a 180 for me that i've done with H and every other important person in my life as I had tendancies to interrupt and not really hear a person out), and what I heard was that he's talking to OW, but doesn't really see it going anywhere, but knows that I can still get him angry which is why he's not sure it's good for us to be together. Says it could mean that since I can cause him to have such a real true emotion like that shows that we're either not good for one another or that there are real legit underlying connections between us and he doesn't want to really think about it at all.
Like I said, I've other threads that have touched on this stuff, so sorry if I'm repeating, but I haven't really been reacting to H's R with OW. Have known he's talking to her on phone and just don't react. In the past, H had a few EAs before our S...I became obsessed, controlling, smothered him, came across as needy and desperate. I learned all this about myself while S. So now, here I am, not reacting to him talking to OW, and he's different as well...Before S, he was "secretive" always had to have phone by his side, wouldn't let me near him while he was on pc, just secretive and ingored me....
Now? H is forever asking me to hang out with him, has movies he wants me to watch with him, doesn't care where he sets his phone down, has even let me use his phone when the battery in mine died and I needed to make a phone call (he didn't even sit nearby and "monitor" what i did on is phone). he wasn't in a really great frame of mind when we moved in here to just give up his freedom and such, but I've reaasured him that's never been my intent. By his freedom, I meant is ability to be on whatever schedule he wants to be on, volume levels of the TV, etc....has been a HUGE adjustment to him due to D3...but I knew he'd be fine...he wasn't sure, but told me a few days ago that he's thankful for my faith in him in regards to D3. He's been hesitant at first to watch her while I'm working, but he's gotten more comfortable now and was actually a little upset when I took her to a sitter's house the other day because I just wanted her to have a few other kids to play with for the day. He was bothered that she was gone, I was gone, and he was awake and alone all day...lol
Yesterday, he asked me to go to the movies with him next week...
Overall, what I'm getting at is I'm not sure what's really going on here. As far as just myself is concerned (and D3 of course), I go to work and make sure she has care while I'm working, I cook meals...if H chooses to sit and eat with us, it's left up to him. I am a caretaker by nature no matter who you are, so if I'm going to grab a drink and see he doesn't have one, I'll bring him one, but I don't just go out of my way to wait on him hand and foot. I take care of myself, D3, and go about my life as close to how I did before we moved back down here.
For H saying he'd like us to be friends, I'm not sure if his actions as of late are a good thing, a neutral thing, or leading up to something else...
I'm definitely finding it hard to not read too much into it, and also to not jump to conclusions he wants to try at R with me, because I don't want to set him off if I started coming across as pursuing him. Just trying to "enjoy the ride" I guess and see what happens?
Anyone have any thoughts on this?
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
On an added note: H does not have a vehicle. I do....he's asked to use it a few times for job related stuff or taking D someplace. He's been very upfront and seems to be honest with it all, and I'm really trying my best to not overreact and to just try to trust him, but after so many lies from him in the past, it's hard....very hard....afraid of being taking advantage of....i.e. H treating me nicely to use my car? or does he just genuinely want to be on these friendly/maybe more? terms with me?
I know I really need to stop obsessing over it all. Have plenty of other stuff in my life that I'm already heavily involved with, so that helps prevent me from sitting around dwelling on the dynamics of my R with H, but I needed to take the time this afternoon to put it all out there.
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
Just venting here, but H borrowed my car this afternoon to go fill out some paperwork with a recruiting company, and then was going to go stop in at the office of some of his friends (I know who these guys are). He was taking some leftover drinks with him that one of them left at our house a bit ago (this is a very laid back office his friends work at).
I'm freaking out I suppose because he's not back yet (though it's justifiable because he's not really due back yet), but based on his past rep, I can't help but wonder what's really going on.
Again, I know I'm probably reading into this more than needed, but I'm still becoming concerned I'm being taken advantage of.
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
So, I'm just being paranoid about H with my car....He just swung by with one of his friends...friend hasn't seen D3 since she was a baby and wanted to swing by to say hi to me as well. H just went to take him back home. D3 and I got to go swimming and took a nice long walk while he was still out....so I'm still sticking to me I guess....Got laundry done and put away, had a nice dinner with D3....so why am I even worrying about H? i guess it's because my car is the only thing (besides D3 obviously) that has value to me. Proud of myself for buying it and having it paid off in full in a year's time....so I'm protective of it...lol!
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
So, 8 hours ago, H left to go drop his friend off at home and he's still not home.....got a text from him about an hour after he left and nothing since. Quite annoyed because I don't know where my car is! Yes!!! That's what I'm most upset by. When H and I S, he kept our car and it was repoed...and the repo people couldn't even track him down....I don't want to scew things up by blowing up at him, because it's what I always did in the past, so I know it doesn't work, but this is flat out taking advantage of me because I have a car. Dunno if he's still with friend, or other friends, or (though I don't want to think about it) with OW?!?! Just fuming right now and cannot sleep!!!!
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
So, H dropped friend off, stopped in to have a drink, continued drinking and passed out? Finally woke up about the time of my last post and came home. In total, was gone for 16 hours?!?!?! He didn't see why I was bothered. Wasn't bothered he was gone at all...was bothered he took my car and I didn't know where it was.
Maybe over thinking, maybe over analyzing, but the simplest way I feel about it is this....
Borrowed someone else's car, gone for 16 hours with it...I feel it's justified for owner of car to be upset when it was supposed to be a short amount of time for the use of car.
Still not 100% copnvinced about H's story....he claims he doesn't lie these days, but when there's a history of it, it's hard to learn to trust again.
In listening to his story, I might be reading into what I feel are holes in his story.
I was bothered because I was tired, wanted to sleep, had to work today, D3 kept waking up and asking for daddy, cat kept meowing out calling for him, and cat doing that was waking up D3 as well. So, I had a rough night and a very long day at work. Took a nap when I got home while H watched D3. About to go to bed again as well.
Just overall bothered by the whole thing. H's in his bedrom right now chatting with OW on the pc right now. After the night we had, I told him I was going to bed, and he hopped right on to chat with her.
His actions towards me are still leaning towards very friendly and social, but I know that since he's still talking to OW, even if just chatting on pc, that we're not really at that place yet, but I'm still hopeful.
Is it so wrong of me to keep up this small glimmer of hope?
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
So, H dropped friend off, stopped in to have a drink, continued drinking and passed out? Finally woke up about the time of my last post and came home. In total, was gone for 16 hours?!?!?! He didn't see why I was bothered. Wasn't bothered he was gone at all...was bothered he took my car and I didn't know where it was. Really -outrageous behavior on his end, and confusing behavior on yours...
Maybe over thinking, maybe over analyzing, but the simplest way I feel about it is this....
Borrowed someone else's car, gone for 16 hours with it...I feel it's justified for owner of car to be upset when it was supposed to be a short amount of time for the use of car. THIS IS OBVIOUS TO NORMAL PEOPLE...don't over think it or 2nd guess so much
Still not 100% copnvinced about H's story....he claims he doesn't lie these days, but when there's a history of it, it's hard to learn to trust again. What story? HE GOT DRUNK B/C HE HAD SOME WHEELS...WHO KNOWS WHO HE VISITED??
In listening to his story, I might be reading into what I feel are holes in his story. UM yeah...
I was bothered because I was tired, wanted to sleep, had to work today, D3 kept waking up and asking for daddy, cat kept meowing out calling for him, and cat doing that was waking up D3 as well. So, I had a rough night and a very long day at work. Took a nap when I got home while H watched D3. About to go to bed again as well.
Just overall bothered by the whole thing. H's in his bedrom right now chatting with OW on the pc right now. After the night we had, I told him I was going to bed, and he hopped right on to chat with her.
His actions towards me are still leaning towards very friendly and social, but I know that since he's still talking to OW, even if just chatting on pc, that we're not really at that place yet, but I'm still hopeful.
How are you seeing this "hopeful" stuff? His ACTIONS? NO THEY ARE NOT INCONSISTENT with his words. He said he wants a divorce WHEN you get there and now you are there. HE said he wants to be "Friends" and that's it. He has OW, whom he speaks to in front of you or with your obvious knowledge. He's treating you with contempt/disrespect. I am so sorry but I cannot find where...there's a move toward reconciliation? I'm so sorry
but I don't see it at all...... True, He isn't 100% detached/nasty to you but you also DO provide somethings....
MAYBE offering you temporary space means seeing his kid more
AND he has a (your) car AND a maid (you clean up after yourself and I'd bet you do some of his laundry/cooking?)
But remember,
he SAID he wants to divorce you---so WHY'D YOU MOVE BACK? That's the mystery to me.
Is it so wrong of me to keep up this small glimmer of hope?
IT's Not wrong to keep a glimmer of hope, it's wrong to be a doormat.
It's not wrong to keep a glimmer of hope, it's wrong to let it paralyze you.
He says he wants a div, he never followed you, he talks to OW in FRONT of you AFTER taking your car, lying to you and drinking booze in it so he could have wrecked it too. And he'd say, "sure hope u have insurance"....
and it's NOT working
and THAT means You need to see things as they are, He says he wants a div, he never followed you, he talks to OW in FRONT of you AFTER taking your car, lying to you and drinking booze in it so he could have wrecked it too. And he'd say, "sure hope u have insurance"....
Just b/c a guy isn't 100% prick doesn't make him Mr. Right
and in my book
he's mistreating you in a glaring way
Maybe his charm (or your co-dep) is blinding you. IDK but he's NOT treating you like he would treat even a friend, imo
and it's just mo
sorry you are here
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have co-dependancy issues...always have...been trying to break the cycle for years and can't get out of the rut.
H's actions are completely unexcusable, i know this, and yet I still let him trample all over me....because I've become a fall back of sorts i suppose.
Some of it's on my own personal beliefs based on religion....for better for worse, etc....i made a vow to not divorce.
H and I actually talked last night. I posted, and was planning on going to bed, but him typing away on the pc in teh other room got gears ticking in my head, so i went to talk to him a bit.
Maybe it was wrong, but I brought up OW in a rather causal way...asked him what she was like, what interested him about her, just little tidbits....and he was receptive to my questions...gave answers about her, and then took it to a different level of talking about us...was an informative talk to say the least. he was actually able to give me specific instances of things i did before S that pushed him away from me...as well as instances that happened while S to again push him away form me.
I've told him in the past that as far as my ineractions with others go, if I'm doing something someone has a problem with and tehy don't tell me, how am I supposed to know?
Sorry, my mind is going all over the map right now....I do tidy a abit here....but I have to for D3 and myself to have a clean home...he did actually have it cleaned when we got here. I cook for D3 and myself...that's it...H's a very picky eater...I do know what he likes and how he'd prefer things cooked...and not once since we got here have I made something just for him....I just make meals...he knows he's welcome to join us, but I know he won't, as he doesn't like most, if any of what I make.
I haven't and won't do his laundry...Of course, I wash my things and D3's things....but he has a rather large pile of clothing in his room...lol!
As far as the car goes, the problem I have is that since I was moving to a new state, my old insurance company told me i'd no longer be covered in new state, so i'd have to find a new provider. Found one, and due to the legal marriage, i had to have H included, because I hadn't enough time between policies to have him sign a non-inclusion waiver. So, monay, I have to call insurance company anyhow, and am going to try to rework the policy to exclude him...would be illegal for him to drive the car then, so problem eliminated. H won't like that I'm making him sign, but as I've told him a few times now....My car, my rules....
Actually told him the first time we argued over him wanting to use the car, "I understand it's your apartment, and am grateful you're letting us stay here, but would you really like it if I told you I was bringing aOM here and wanted to borrow your bed?" (I'm not with any OM...just wanted him to see my perspective.) His response? it's none of my business where he goes with whom and for how long...I responded that as long as he's got my car, it's my business...Don't care what he's up to otherwise.
As far as D goes, H's said mulitple times he wants D..as early as 4 weeks from when we S...and has also said mulitple times that he wants to work on M...as recently as march...was supposedly april when he met OW in a chatroom...and he claims they met one time at some party of a mutual friend and didn't even realize they knew each other?
Straying again....I moved down here because I wanted him to have a more f2f R with D3...1300 miles has kept them seperated for two and a half years....and I did some soul-searching myself about what I wanted long term goals to be for D3 and myself should plan B (D) actually happen.
In thinking about it all, keeping PMA while seperated, and GAL of my own, I found myself again....and what I learned was I didn't like the area I was in...people in general don't possess values, attitudes, similarities to what I want for myself and for D3...was nice to live near my family (well, with them really as I lived at my parents house), but was time to get D3 established where I knew I'd be happy. I ave some health problems that cause me to be cold often (even with meds), and the temp up there was too much for me...missed the warmth of the south...As a single parent, I wasn't able to afford living on my own in the city my parents live in, so to make ends meet and not live with them, I'd have had to move to one of the neighboring towns or cities, and the school systems in those areas and falling dramatically as far as academics go...not what I want for D3. Had a support network of friends down here that was larger than the one I had up there (again with the values, etc), and knew from the past 11 years that I was actually closer to my immediate family when I lived further away from them. H doesn't talk to his family much, if at all...but I'm still on rather good terms with them. They all live near us right now, so D3 still has extended family nearby, even if it's not MY family and is H's family instead...they're still her family too, even if he won't talk to them.
Again, I've been weighing all this for over a year now, and started getting all my ducks in a row to move. As far as H was supposed to be concerned, I was moving so D3 and he could see each other, yes, you're right on that...was NEVER my intent to move in with him...Due to the totally random incident on the road that caused unwanted car repairs, my whole nest egg of savings got wiped out...the repair itself only bit into my budget by a third...but was three extra days of being stuck in the middle of nowhere in a state I knew no one in while car got fixed (car broke on sunday, couldn't get it into a shop till monday, and part needed didn't come in till tuesday afternoon...didn't get back onto road till wed morning). so, was an extra 3 nights of hotel stays, extra food costs, etc...and ate up almost everything that was going towards apt and stuff once we got here. Was only 450 miles from H's city, and about 840 miles back to my parents' house...with just enough $ for gas to get to H's city, was what seemed, my best option. So, now i feel trapped a bit...won't pay any bills for H...he knows this and has stopped even bringing it up...all my $ from work now is going back into savings...he's not on account, so not worried about it...i don't have an ATM card for the acct, so again....he can't touch it.
As far as H with D....he wanted me to get down here, and have us all settle into a routine with each other, restablish friendship with each other, and then really start talking D....never said he wanted it asap. Once again, he always says he wants D, then doesn't, then does, etc...so I don't put stock into his words, or his actions most of the time. I just let him alone and try to not let it affect me, but now that I'm actually physically near him, it's proving more difficult than when we were so far apart.
We went out for coffee the other day...without D3 in fact...something we never did before...he said he wanted me to try this one latte they have, and we spent almost 2 hours sitting there just talking....was something we enever did before S
So, yes, He's inconsistent, and taking advantage of me and car situation, and being disresectful....all on some weird level that I'm letting get to me.
All I want is routine to settle in for once. Still looking for a better paying job for myself, still talking my nightly runs, still biking in the mornings with D3, still active with my church (well, new church..lol), have made quite a bunch of new friends with kids D3's age, and have become pretty involved with them and playdates. h gets bothered that I just go about my business, and tries to pull me into his world...i let him to an extent, but don't let it overtake all of who I've become, because even though I seem stressed in above posts, I'm actually rather content with who I am now and the path I'm headed down.
Have another appointment next week with school advisor about getting back into school, still pounding away at my own financial issues (one is about to go to court...H keeps trying to get info from me about it, and I tell him it's none of his business). I feel like I'm dark with him, but not...I only give out info on an as needed basis, but he gives me way more than I care to hear about right now. I know now what really caused us to get to point of S...and have hopes for R in future, but he's not at that point. He doesn;t know the person I am anymore...he thinks he does, and throws the old me back in my face to get a rise out of me...haven't given him the satisfaction...instead I've given ay of you readers out the the satisfaction I'm denying him...a REACTION!
So, sorry for rambling so much, thanks for another great run of advice 25...keep it coming...your insight is amzing...have seen some of your other posts to people on the boards...you know how to put us in check!
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
Read your post and a lot of defending behavior of his that's just crap
sorry but you are being treated badly in exchange for room...not food b/c you pay for that so you have a roof over your head
since nothing he does is any of your business I'd assume you are okay with being roomates except he has the "right" to your car
only by your subterfuge with an insurance company will you be able to "say no" (but you'll blame the company and not simply tell him NO, for obvious reasons you cannot drive my car again, period).
This isn't hard for me to see but clearly it is for you.
His "inconsistencies"?? Oh, you mean the times he says he'd like to work on the m...and what else??
and nothing else
b/c all else points to a man either heading to divorce
and or
cake eating with his stbx and daughter....
the rest of your post is logistical in nature. I don't know your profession or job but you need to get on your own feet and get the heck out of there
what motivation does he have to work on things with you
if merely saying it, suffices?
You've allowed him to DO whatever he wants...with the possible caveat of "requiring" a kind word thrown in now & then
but I suspect if he never said a kind word again, you'd stick around a long time anyhow.
I know I'm being a "tough love" person right now and I don't want to hurt you
but today I'm in a mood for telling people what I think is true,
rather than my usual pep talks
You're treated badly by this man and have been for a long time.
I see nothing changing there by what you are doing.
Sorry
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
your daughter will be seeing things in a "marriage" that I would NOT want my d to see
let her see him on weekends or whatever
but let her see YOU as a healthy woman with boundaries
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
