Legit DBing? or is this just calm before storm?

[MommaDucki]

25, you really did hit it right on the spot.

I have co-dependancy issues...always have...been trying to break the cycle for years and can't get out of the rut.

H's actions are completely unexcusable, i know this, and yet I still let him trample all over me....because I've become a fall back of sorts i suppose.

Some of it's on my own personal beliefs based on religion....for better for worse, etc....i made a vow to not divorce.

H and I actually talked last night. I posted, and was planning on going to bed, but him typing away on the pc in teh other room got gears ticking in my head, so i went to talk to him a bit.

Maybe it was wrong, but I brought up OW in a rather causal way...asked him what she was like, what interested him about her, just little tidbits....and he was receptive to my questions...gave answers about her, and then took it to a different level of talking about us...was an informative talk to say the least. he was actually able to give me specific instances of things i did before S that pushed him away from me...as well as instances that happened while S to again push him away form me.

I've told him in the past that as far as my ineractions with others go, if I'm doing something someone has a problem with and tehy don't tell me, how am I supposed to know?

Sorry, my mind is going all over the map right now....I do tidy a abit here....but I have to for D3 and myself to have a clean home...he did actually have it cleaned when we got here. I cook for D3 and myself...that's it...H's a very picky eater...I do know what he likes and how he'd prefer things cooked...and not once since we got here have I made something just for him....I just make meals...he knows he's welcome to join us, but I know he won't, as he doesn't like most, if any of what I make.

I haven't and won't do his laundry...Of course, I wash my things and D3's things....but he has a rather large pile of clothing in his room...lol!

As far as the car goes, the problem I have is that since I was moving to a new state, my old insurance company told me i'd no longer be covered in new state, so i'd have to find a new provider. Found one, and due to the legal marriage, i had to have H included, because I hadn't enough time between policies to have him sign a non-inclusion waiver. So, monay, I have to call insurance company anyhow, and am going to try to rework the policy to exclude him...would be illegal for him to drive the car then, so problem eliminated. H won't like that I'm making him sign, but as I've told him a few times now....My car, my rules....

Actually told him the first time we argued over him wanting to use the car, "I understand it's your apartment, and am grateful you're letting us stay here, but would you really like it if I told you I was bringing aOM here and wanted to borrow your bed?" (I'm not with any OM...just wanted him to see my perspective.) His response? it's none of my business where he goes with whom and for how long...I responded that as long as he's got my car, it's my business...Don't care what he's up to otherwise.

As far as D goes, H's said mulitple times he wants D..as early as 4 weeks from when we S...and has also said mulitple times that he wants to work on M...as recently as march...was supposedly april when he met OW in a chatroom...and he claims they met one time at some party of a mutual friend and didn't even realize they knew each other?

Straying again....I moved down here because I wanted him to have a more f2f R with D3...1300 miles has kept them seperated for two and a half years....and I did some soul-searching myself about what I wanted long term goals to be for D3 and myself should plan B (D) actually happen.

In thinking about it all, keeping PMA while seperated, and GAL of my own, I found myself again....and what I learned was I didn't like the area I was in...people in general don't possess values, attitudes, similarities to what I want for myself and for D3...was nice to live near my family (well, with them really as I lived at my parents house), but was time to get D3 established where I knew I'd be happy. I ave some health problems that cause me to be cold often (even with meds), and the temp up there was too much for me...missed the warmth of the south...As a single parent, I wasn't able to afford living on my own in the city my parents live in, so to make ends meet and not live with them, I'd have had to move to one of the neighboring towns or cities, and the school systems in those areas and falling dramatically as far as academics go...not what I want for D3. Had a support network of friends down here that was larger than the one I had up there (again with the values, etc), and knew from the past 11 years that I was actually closer to my immediate family when I lived further away from them. H doesn't talk to his family much, if at all...but I'm still on rather good terms with them. They all live near us right now, so D3 still has extended family nearby, even if it's not MY family and is H's family instead...they're still her family too, even if he won't talk to them.

Again, I've been weighing all this for over a year now, and started getting all my ducks in a row to move. As far as H was supposed to be concerned, I was moving so D3 and he could see each other, yes, you're right on that...was NEVER my intent to move in with him...Due to the totally random incident on the road that caused unwanted car repairs, my whole nest egg of savings got wiped out...the repair itself only bit into my budget by a third...but was three extra days of being stuck in the middle of nowhere in a state I knew no one in while car got fixed (car broke on sunday, couldn't get it into a shop till monday, and part needed didn't come in till tuesday afternoon...didn't get back onto road till wed morning). so, was an extra 3 nights of hotel stays, extra food costs, etc...and ate up almost everything that was going towards apt and stuff once we got here. Was only 450 miles from H's city, and about 840 miles back to my parents' house...with just enough $ for gas to get to H's city, was what seemed, my best option. So, now i feel trapped a bit...won't pay any bills for H...he knows this and has stopped even bringing it up...all my $ from work now is going back into savings...he's not on account, so not worried about it...i don't have an ATM card for the acct, so again....he can't touch it.

As far as H with D....he wanted me to get down here, and have us all settle into a routine with each other, restablish friendship with each other, and then really start talking D....never said he wanted it asap. Once again, he always says he wants D, then doesn't, then does, etc...so I don't put stock into his words, or his actions most of the time. I just let him alone and try to not let it affect me, but now that I'm actually physically near him, it's proving more difficult than when we were so far apart.

We went out for coffee the other day...without D3 in fact...something we never did before...he said he wanted me to try this one latte they have, and we spent almost 2 hours sitting there just talking....was something we enever did before S

So, yes, He's inconsistent, and taking advantage of me and car situation, and being disresectful....all on some weird level that I'm letting get to me.

All I want is routine to settle in for once. Still looking for a better paying job for myself, still talking my nightly runs, still biking in the mornings with D3, still active with my church (well, new church..lol), have made quite a bunch of new friends with kids D3's age, and have become pretty involved with them and playdates. h gets bothered that I just go about my business, and tries to pull me into his world...i let him to an extent, but don't let it overtake all of who I've become, because even though I seem stressed in above posts, I'm actually rather content with who I am now and the path I'm headed down.

Have another appointment next week with school advisor about getting back into school, still pounding away at my own financial issues (one is about to go to court...H keeps trying to get info from me about it, and I tell him it's none of his business). I feel like I'm dark with him, but not...I only give out info on an as needed basis, but he gives me way more than I care to hear about right now. I know now what really caused us to get to point of S...and have hopes for R in future, but he's not at that point. He doesn;t know the person I am anymore...he thinks he does, and throws the old me back in my face to get a rise out of me...haven't given him the satisfaction...instead I've given ay of you readers out the the satisfaction I'm denying him...a REACTION!

So, sorry for rambling so much, thanks for another great run of advice 25...keep it coming...your insight is amzing...have seen some of your other posts to people on the boards...you know how to put us in check!