WAW-filed

[sandi2]

Five years ago, I was well on my way to being a WAW. So, what I say to you will be based on my personal experience, what I've learned from others, what I've learned here on the board, and what MWD has taught. And, btw, my M survived, and yours can also.

Your W went for counseling. The C was somebody who told her she deserved to be happy and as many C's do.... suggested M was keeping her from happiness. The two of them agreed and that's why you walked right into an ambush. So, that's done and it can't be undone.

What happened from that first meeting in Feb until early March (when you thought there had been progress)? Probably nothing. She had made up her mind before you ever went to that first session, but now she can say that she "tried" C and other programs and it just didn't work. I suspect her parents knew long before you did.

I have read the DR book and countless others and am beginning to do the LRT

This was an email exchange (me first, then spouse) before going dark/LRT.

Do you see LRT and going dark as being the same?

I would like to refer to that email you sent her, even though it was before you started LRT or going dark.

Don't be offended by what I say. Looking at your email from the WAW POV, you sound very preachy and self-righteous. I'm sure you didn't mean for it to appear as such, but you were saying, "I", "I", look at me and all I'm doing and how great I've been. It doesn't get far with a WAW.

Then in her email, she sounds very calm, mature, rational, decisiveness and almost as if she were talking to a child. She starts out by agreeing with some things you have said and states she will no longer continue in that manner. Good for her.

When I initially filed I hoped, not necessarily believed, but hoped we still may have a chance. The situation has since proven that it is apparent that there is no longer hope for this marriage to work.

Remember what I said? She went to C, etc. to prove there's no hope. To her, that justifies her filing for D. And, btw, that first sentence in that quote? WAW largo! If she went as far as filing....she didn't still have hope for the M, or she wouldn't be trying to get a D.

When you ask me direct questions that have answers that are difficult to hear, I am honest. The truth hurts you, but I am honest about my feelings. You ask why I don't want counseling and marriage repair? The answer to that question is going to hurt. There is no nice way of explaining why a person wants a divorce.

She's right. So, stop asking her personal questions about her feelings, or you, or her life, or the R.

Please pay close attention to what she says in the next paragraph.

You ask why you should cooperate? Because it's the right thing to do. Fighting over issues where there is an obvious responsibility on your part further frustrates the situation. It definitely does not show me that you are the changed, reasonable, giving, thoughtful person you are claiming to be. It supports what I've known and it supports the need for this divorce.

Fighting for your M does not mean fighting with her. Refusing to cooperate, in her opinion, is simply irresponsible, stubborn, and childish. Either way, it doesn't seem to be the winning ticket for you.

Sounds as if you've been running your mouth trying to convince her how much you've changed, but in the long run...you've helped justify her reasons for D.

Instead of the randon acts of kindness, direct answers to questions and reasonable responsed that stay on task would be more appreciated.

Have you pointed out your random acts of kindness? That's a big no-no.

Committing to have the kids with specific times in advance is thoughtful and shows that you respect me and my time

Right here! This is what you must hear! Why have you not been doing this? Did you think this was how you win?

When I try to get a committment from you, you continue to be vague.

Look, when it comes to the kids, you never give her vague!

For example, when you say you'll pick up the kids "sometime in the afternoon" this is not helpful

Worse than that, it is sloppy and disrespectful!

Of course the gestures of coffee and flowers are kind, but for me (not necessarily all women, but for me) it's the common courtesies that make a difference.

Are you listening to this? She's telling you that giving roses and coffee won't cut it. That was something she might have wanted years ago, but not at the point she's at now. What does she want? She just told you.

Be courteous and stick to a schedule for the kids. If she's trying to contact you about the kids...then answer her ASAP! Act like a responsible adult when it is about your children. That's what she is saying.

Oh, this is way too long. If you pass over it like you did the DO'S and DON'TS, I wasted my words. But there is another question I'd like to ask. You said the three main reasons she left was "trust, quick emotioned, distant". (I don't see anything about a lack of acts of kindness or gifts.) But, why would "trust" be an issue? Can she not trust you? If so, why not? Do you lie to her?

Sorry for long post. I promise not to do that every time.