Last night I spoke briefly to my husband on the phone. (he called in response to a text I sent with a question) It hurts so much to talk to him, but I try really hard to sound upbeat. I usually succeed. But it makes me miss him more. Then my son got home while I was in tears and I ended up talking to him and he was really supportive. But although he and my daughter are adults, they shouldn't have to deal with any of this. It makes me even madder at my H, because he could stop all of this pain. My kids are grieving the loss of what we ALL thought was a happy family life.
I had a horrible nights sleep, but today a (divorced) neighbor, who is my age and went through a divorce years ago, called me and asked me to go to dinner tonight. So that will be helpful. She is a Christian and feels that my husband is not following the word of God. He is being very self centered. She, also, was divorced against her will. So she understands. But I am so tired of my life being all about this drama! I want my life back! I feel like I am in a holding pattern, Everyone says I should get on with my life. But how can I do that, really? I am still living in the house where our lives took place. It is torture. I can't go out with single people and meet men- I am still married. I really think the DB principle I am struggling the most with is detaching. I am trying to figure out how to let go, without really letting go. Does that make any sense? How to I get him out of my mind while I love him so much? I am also incredibly attracted to him. He had a new professional picture taken that is on his linkedin page. It hurts so much to see it. He is a beautiful man. I was so lucky for 27 years. He is a gorgeous, sweet, kind man. I took advantage of his love. I didn't appreciate him. Now that I realize it, it's too late. Maybe I deserve this.
Anyway, as always, thanks for letting me vent. I am rereading the DB and DR books to try to muddle through this. I am also scheduling an appt with my DB coach. I've got to find a way to stop this pain. It's killing me. I understand now the meaning of "dying from a broken heart"
M50 H49 M 27 years D24, S21 Bomb 7/10 SEP 12/10 H files 5/11
Praying Hard for restoration! With God all things are possible!
