XYZ is here, but I won't be staying...

[XYZ]

So I stayed away from these boards for months while I was working on my marriage. I stop by here to check in one time a few days after deciding that I was "D O N E" and now I can't stay away from them (again)...

Journaling...

I'm not really a very religious person, but I am spiritual. A few days ago I said to God, "I'm done. I've done all I can. Now it's up to you, I have to move on." And since then, I almost feel progress. Maybe it's just relief; maybe it's detachment; maybe W has sensed it too and reacting. Who can know?

I'm back to reading all the posts and thinking about my next strategy. Is this healthy? I really have no idea. I was done and didn't care how she reacted to what I did, because it didn't matter. Now I'm thinking again about her words and/or actions show and/or mean. I really don't know if this is a good thing for my mental health or not.

Why did W contact me when she was upset at a fight she had with her mother? Does that mean I'm still her goto-guy? Will she think about it that way? What will it mean to her that I wasn't there for her when she did reach out? Will that make her miss it or make he feel like she was right all along because I wasn't there? Will she even notice that when she needed to talk, she called me? Doesn't that mean something? I wouldn't call somebody I don't want to talk with. Will she realize that if she can't get along with me AND she can't get along with her month AND she can't get along with her business partner that maybe - just maybe - at least part of the problem is her? Would that matter if she did think that? Even if she decided that ALL of the problem was her (which it wasn't), would that change her feelings or are they locked in regardless of who was the root or the issues?

None of this matters. I'm detached (no, really I am. Although I'm sure this sounds it! ;)). I'm moving on, but I wouldn't kick her out of bed if she shows up one day soon begging forgiveness either.