Side Trip from Forward Motion

[BeingMe]

We went to the bank yesterday to set up an RRSP for me. I had asked him to do so, since he has one in his name. He keeps saying that he won't cheat me (doth he protest too much?). I told him, it's not him, but some future person he meets that will tell him that I don't deserve this or that. Dang! After 25 years, and all the nonsense I put up with (he has put up with a lot from me too, but in a different category), I deserve having a more comfortable life too, now that he is earning a whole lot more money.

So, anyway, the S continues in it's slow progression. It's not what I want, but if he wants his freedom, he will pay dearly for it. He is still trying to control everything, which I find irritating. He will be away next week, so I have decided to take a day then to consult with a divorce lawyer, just so I can be prepared. I don't mind staying married, while our house gains more equity, and selling in 2 years and he pays for everything. He will be moving out at some point ... not sure when.

Here is the goodbye letter I wrote to him containing the list of my "demands":

So, it is the end. Far below, I have the list of things I want, which will likely change once we proceed to an official separation/divorce.

As for C and Cl (ref to friends he talked about). I can tell you that Cl has given C a lot more than you have given me, emotionally speaking. He always let her know what's happening without her having to ask. She could poke about his
business, ask uncomfortable questions without him getting upset, and she says at "that time" it did last for about a year before she could trust again. She knows all their business, where wills and insurance papers are, etc. because he cares about her and what could happen if something happened
to him. You, on the other hand, always got offended and upset, as if I had no right to ask you anything, so you never gave me the opportunity to trust you again. As soon as times get "bad," you just want to bolt, and retreat into your little shell. You are far better at business relationships and
friendships, it seems, and perhaps that's the kind of person that you will find more attractive as a partner, or someone like H who never complains. I'm sorry, but I am who I am, and I won't change unless the effort is reciprocated. I did try to change for you, but it didn't work. We both needed to have worked on this marriage for it to have had a chance.

Well, I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore. I don't have to feel offended when you are busy on your computer working at night, and ignoring me. I will be free to do my own thing and you the same. One day, I hope you'll 'get it' and know that all I wanted was for us to be a happy equal couple, if only we could've negotiated a way to do that. I see now that it
could never be, not with your always controlling everything, so passive aggressively, our finances, our relationship, where we lived, you having the career (I supported you in most of this, but I did hope to have my own career sooner than this). I do need to be separated from you, and you from me. We are too different. Of course, we will always have contact through
the children and financially, so I hope we can do so cordially, in a business and friendly relationship. Let us not make it uncomfortable for the kids. We will always have good memories of our fantastic children and grandchildren. We did that right, if nothing else. And, I will carry fond memories of the times we had when we were both happy.

So, I am saying goodbye in the figurative sense, at last, and if I am acting happy or being positive or having fun, I am NOT trying to win you back. I will have no expectations from you.

Below is the list of things I require when we separate at this time:
1. Open to reassessment and we can decide about a divorce or more official separation later. I guess divorce would be the best after the usual one year of separation, or so.
2. Current RRSP transferred to my name or equal amount opened. Need an appointment with bank. (Done, but not equal amount ... he's controlling again)
3. Pay my University Fees.
4. I will live in the house until sold, +/- 2 years or when the housing market picks up - you will have to keep paying the mortgage, utilities and other debts. There are things, as you know, that needs to be fixed before the house can get sold. No use wasting extra money, and I will need to have a place to live while studying (D18 too, for now).
5. I will need access to all finances, if for no other reason but to be in the loop.
6. I will need to fly to Europe at least once a year until D30 and SIL33 move back to the USA and then I will have to fly to wherever they move to so will need airmiles. I will also like airmiles to visit D24 so hope you will make that available if you have them, or at least pay toward the ticket. Of course, I could drive to D24 when the weather is fine.
7. I will need a car on my name.
8. I will need to get some credit standing so I would appreciate your helping me get that.
9. I want to continue with the $1,000 bi-monthly payment, but I would like an extra $500 per month to put in my savings account so that I will have some saved money after the two years living in the house are up.
10. I would like copies of the insurances and last will and testament of yours, so that I know the kids and I will be taken care of and not have to rely on the government deciding what and when we get any inheritance. I will, of course, give you a copy of my last will and testament and any
insurances I may have. You are more likely to use them sooner. We will need to make an appointment with a lawyer to get official wills done. (He did his will online last night and has sent me a copy ... still has to have hard copy signed)
11. I would like to be on your medical insurance and retirement money if you get a permanent job, and we are not divorced. I am being very positive about how long I may live, but better prepared than not.

So, the list is made. I am sure it will change once we go through the divorce. Just know that if you are truthful and honest with me, I will be the same with you. I probably would be anyway, as I always have been. You have said you will not cheat me, and I will hold you to that. We can do this in a collaborative way, without involving the courts as long as I feel that you are living up to your word.

I will always wish you well.

I do sound so pathetic, don't I. But, there are husbandly responsibilities/vows, "in sickness and in health", that my son now will be taking on, bless his heart. It's not fair on him. If I weren't here, and back in the other city, I would've had loads of support. And, I can't move back just yet because of studies and I am in the health system here now. So, I will wait another 2 years, then sell the house and move back. That is, if I am cancer free up to that point, and I so do intend to be so, if I have any power over it.

My H's reply (pretty much what I expected, but I asked him to reply to it so that I had an answer):

I have no problem with any of these things. We can get the will done at the bank and we already have a savings account with over $7000 (turns out that this is a tax free savings a/c on his name, and I can't have it after all, so I will be setting up my own next week) already in it. You can take that and whatever goes into it now can continue ot go in.

I wish you the best too

I have told my S24 that we are separating and how angry I am, but that I still love their father. I will need my son's support when I go to the oncologist appointment. I hate going there alone. He said, of course he will go with me. He is such a good man. I am amazed at how good our children have turned out. They are awesome.