still lost and still searching 2

[dbmod]

I don't think you have to move to the divorce as your boundary, you have other things you can leverage....time, money....


I've read a book that calls it 'the loving takeaway'. Things are going smoothly, she's interested....you slowly remove some ofthose rewards. LESSEN your inputs. She will have to do some ofthe driving or food, etc. OR if she is giving something you want, you continue some or all of the inputs you are giving.

You won't get the whole ball of wax in 30 days most likely. All or nothing is not usually the way it works well. You have to train her.

She's not a pet, but like a pet...you start training with small things. You do the same with children. You (should do the same with dating)...slowly grow the relationship. Sllow inputs, slow rewards. You hae to work backwards, start asking for more inputs (not the whole thing). If now, remove small inputs from your end

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I agree with DB that the D doesn't have to be the boundary, in fact I think of a D as the worst possible boundary. The consequences of living up to that boundary on your end, time money the fallout....it is truly the last, last, last resort boundary.

Tank up until now...the end of your 30 days...in which it is hghly unlikely she will snap out of it at the end of that time frame; even if you told her about this deadline...I do not think you did.

(If you didn't you cannot expect her to magically figure it out.)

Up until now, she has only seen how awesome you shine during perhaps one of the hardest times of you life, a time when most people only show ugly.

When you take away that shiny? You don't replace it with 'ugly', you just take it away. Either slowly as DB suggests, or in part or all. But never the ugly, you don't show her the ugly.

[tank]

the issue is, i am doing everything for her. she has no license right now as the court took it away first for not paying a fine but now its gone until she pays up her arrears on child support from the last year.

I allow her to see the kids at my house as if she doesnt she might only ever see D7, as the boys want nothing to do with OM.

I have held everything together for the last year + without money or help from her. I have nothing extra. My kids have nothing extra. I barely cover all the bills and feed my family. She expects me to maintain this. She expects me to continue living in a house she wanted and we only got cause of her getting a job.

Everything is already settled legally between us. The divorce only finalizes our marriage to each other. At the end of 30 days, i stop letting her have her visits at my home, i stop driving her to see the kids. She will be on her own.

I will be listing the house for sale, and moving to something smaller and more affordable. I have prepared my children for this move, and i will be staying in the same town so they will stay in the same school and keep the same friends.

It has just been too much on me and on my family. If it wasnt for me, she would never see all the kids, never see her mom or even her grandmother. I make the plans and get her to the events. she does absolutly nothing.

She doesnt even show me respect or treat me with dignity. Before i went away on my business trip, i called her house to tell her what had to be done, re: schedule s13 for highschool, where the medical insurance cards were, and when and where soccer practises etc. and the OM told me to F off, never to call his house as its his phone and to only call her on the cell phone. Her response to that was, OM was having a bad day.

so, i have taken everything away from her already. She doesnt own the home, she doesnt have a license, I have her car as it got repossessed from her, and right now she still doesnt have a job. she is fine with that it seems.

I honestly feel that she isnt keeping the kids away from OM while she is making her decision. I think the kids were getting inthe way for OM so she gets to make it look like she is thinking about the offer, and appeasing me when really, she is keeping the stress of 4 kids away from OM.

[LITB]

I think your plan is reasonable Tank. By the sounds of your post, she will continue doing the same things if everything remains. Nobody could blame you for doing what you need to do. You are a great person and a great dad for what you have done.

Good luck.

[tank]

thanks left_in_the_Bay, I appreciate the support.

I am baffled with myself on how i can still be having bad days and good days. I see the course of action my head tells me to take, but my heart gets in the way.

Tonight, my D7 and i were reading a book, and out of the blue she looked up at me and said "Daddy, i want mommy home, but i dont think she wants us anymore."

uhm, i had to catch my breath on that one. I gave a big hug, and a kiss, told her that both mommy and daddy love her and that maybe mommy will come home and maybe mommy wont, but we still have our family unit just like we have for the last year.

Seemed to satisfy her, didnt help me any. My S9 and D7 look just like their mom. It is uncanny how much so. When i look at them, i it pains me sometimes.

I keep remembering a conversation my wife and i had about 5 years ago. Of course when i was working like an idiot and never home. It was how my wife felt i was married to my job and not her. (I should have realized then)She said it was like i was having an affair on her, then of course i was told not to even think about it or i would be divorced right away. I said that if she had an affair, it would be the only reason i would ever divorce!

Guess i was way off base on that one. I look back at all i have been through in the last year, and i wonder where the strength comes from to continue on this quest that seems such a waste of time and effort.

Well thanks for listening to my 2am thoughts. I am back to not sleeping. not good, and there is nothing i seem to be able to do about it.

[tank]

Hi everyone, sorry im not on here as much, the kids and i have an extremely busy schedule. Soccer every night, feels like i never stop driving. lol

For an update,

I had the talk with wife last Thursday after her visit with the kids as i was driving her home. She said she needed the weekend. I said ok, and left it at that. She didnt come to S9 soccer game on Monday night. Today i got a call from her asking if I was picking her up for her visit tonight and what we were doing for S13 graduation and S15 awards dinner (both tonight at different venues).

I told her i wouldnt let her miss the kids events but that after tonight she was on her own. She started crying and said she didnt know what to do. She knows if she comes home OM will be out of her life for good. I continued with my original offer, i told her that she was coming home for the kids, not for me. She would have her private life. She said she cant do that, that she cant be with someone who cant be in her childrens lives. She cant live this double life, it was killing her.

I told her that i have had almost 3 months to prepare myself for this arrangement. i have done what she asked me to do. I also pointed out that the only reason she considered this was because i didnt include working on our marriage in the offer. If i had she would have said no right away and that would have been the end of it. I told her that for 3 months i had been learnign how to control my emotions and feelings so that i could live under the same roof as my wife who wants a divorce. I picked up my STBXW from her boyfriends house twice a week and brought her home for visits with my family and then took her home to her affair partner. I did all of this to ensure that i was in a place to emotionally handle the situation.

I then told her that the time was up. She has had long enough to decide if she was coming home or not. I pointed out that she was only nice to me in front of the kids or when she needed something. She doesnt call to talk or see how i am doing anymore. only to make sure i am picking her up or doing her whatever favor she needs. I told her i was tired of being used this way. That she was on her own for getting to the kids soccer games, for picking the kids up for her visits and for taking them elsewhere on her weekends with them.

She poured on the tears and said again that this double life was killing her, that maybe over the last 3 months she realized that she cant come home for just the kids. At this point i told her what time i would be there to pick her up and I said goodbye and hung up the phone.

After our busy evening as i was driving her home, she didnt say much other than she wasnt doing very well and that the stress was getting unberable. She said she missed having her license and the ability to go where she wanted, when she wanted. She said she would go get the kids sin cards tomorrow as it would get her out of the house cause she need to. She then stated that maybe it was just OM getting on her nerves as he has been on strike for the last week, and when he went to work today, he got a 3 day suspension so he was home for the next 3 days as well.

I didnt say anything. I just let her talk. When I pulled up in front of her home, i reminded her that S9 played tomorrow at 6pm. She said "i know, he told me before i left". She has missed 2 out of the last 3 games of his. she said thank you and left the car.

I cant help feeling that she said all of that in hopes that i would give her more time, like she was saying what i wanted to hear so she could get what she wanted. I had asked her earlier what she expected of me. Her answer had been, "you have always been there for me over the last 20 years. You always helped me and made me feel better, fixed the issue and just listened. I guess i just expect you to always do that".

So i am expecting a phone call tomorrow asking me to pick her up, to give her until the weekend etc. to make up her mind. My MIL blew a gasket at her tonight. She doesnt understand how her daughter can sit there and be more worried about a low life piece of sh&* and losing him from her life then losing her 4 children, then tucking them in every night and being there when they need her. I had to calm MIL down and get them separated before it got real nasty.

I am worn out by all of this. I am playing the middle man to keep her in everyones lives, not just my kids, but her entire family.

I know i have no one to blame but myself, i let her use me, to walk all over me. I did that, no one forced me to.

I could really use some feed back from others at this stage in my journey, cause im about to through in the towel and quit.

[Timetotry]

Tank,

Just keep doing what your doing, I think its working. She is confused and originally she wasn't so that's a step towards saving your M.

To an extent, you gave a boundary, time is up and she must decide. Make sure you stick to that now.

Its very tiring to try to do it all on your own and help others around when you are hurting the most. Focus on YOU and let the others focus on themselves. Hey, you have your MIL in your corner too, that's another positive.

Stay strong and patient. Don't give up, just focus on getting through one day at a time and continue to vent here.

Its how we all are trying so desperately to get through this...

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I am worn out by all of this. I am playing the middle man to keep her in everyones lives, not just my kids, but her entire family.

I'd give that part up. It's wearing you down too fast.

It's like a bridge she is in process of destorying, and your out there making repairs to it, a losing battle and its costing you parts of yourself.

If/When the time comes for her to repair that bridge, then help.

I came to that decision with my wife, I wouldn't accept being around my friends and family when they wanted to blast her, but I didn't try to include her in any events either.

Did my sons suffer for her not being around? Her choice, and trying to get her around was painful and upsetting to me and just awkward all around. I saw it as a form of control, I couldn't MAKE her be a good mother, but I could still be a good father who just happened to be doing alot of the Motherly stuff too.

MIL, my family and friends? I would just say, Its easy to walk in someone elses shoes hypothtically and say what you would do differently. Usually shut them up.

[tank]

i am needing a little help. I cant say no to her.

wednesday she calls me to find out about s9 soccer game time and location. I knew what she wanted to ask, but she couldnt bring herself to ask me to pick her up. Instead she sounds all sad and says, "i will try my best to get to the game."

Surprise surprise, she doesnt show up at the game. I got to deal with my s9 and his anger for her not being there. She has missed 3 out of his last 4 games. He was really upset, mind you, he played awesome.

Today she calls me to remind me that d7 team pictures were tonight. Then she says she only has 1 option to make it to her visit tonight. i said and what is that. She says OM. But she doesnt really want OM around the children. I said why not? your choice was to stay with him. To which she replied, cause i dont know what i want, I dont think i can live in my husbands house and date someone else. I cant be single for the next 11 years. I just said whatever, im sick of the puppet dance, im tired of her putting mine and the kids lives in turmoil.

she then asks me to pick her up, its either i do it or the OM will bring her and once again, she doesnt want OM around the kids. I asked why, she replied, "i just dont think its what the kids need."

So me being the idiot i am i picked her up. When i did, i told her the following. First i will give a recap of what she wants from me. To allow her to live at the house, Forgive the last 14 months worth of child support. Remove my case from the FaMILY rESPONSIBILITY OFFICE, this allows her to get her license back. Provide her with a car, and i get the pleasure of her living at home and my kids being happy.

Here is where i took a hugh slide backwards. I told her my feelings, that i was able to live with her in the house and still hang on to my beliefs that someday, wether it be 2 months, 2 years of 10 years we will be able to work on our marriage and be happy. That was my ultimate goal. so i gave her 3 options, and i gave her till the end of the weekend to make a decision.

option #1: she moves home to help raise the children and continues to have her separate private life. Nothing changes between us, we are still separated and she gets nothing from me.

option #2: She moves home, we go to a marriage counsellor and see if we can work on us. As we progress with that course of action, she gets all the benefits of being my wife aka, license, car etc.

option #3: she doesnt come home, we finalize the divorce and we sell the house and we are out of each others lives except where it pertains to our children. I do no more favors for her, and as the judge said, if she wants to see her kids, its her responsiblity to pick them up and return them on time for all visits.

So i guess i lost my cool a little, told her a little too much on how i feel. I amn kicking myself for this, but i have all weekend to show her what she is missing. Its her weekend and she is taking full advantage of my giving in to her and she is staying at the house.

I need some strength from all you guys, its quite obvious that i just dont have the will power to deal with her.

[tank]

well today, i took the kids to the movies and then we had a bbq at my parents. Wife has OM drop her off there for the BBQ and we always celebrate Canada Day with fireworks and we had a great time together as a family.

After supper, i had broughten both my dogs with me to my parents, i asked the kids who wanted to go for a walk, no one except my wife wanted to go. so we each took a dog and went for a 2 hour walk. We just talked about the kids, the house etc. She told me her dad had contacted her again, and he wants to meet her and discuss some things. we discussed her feelings about it. we went back to my parents and we just sat on pops front porch, just the 2 of us, and we didnt really talk about anything, just sat there and enjoyed the evening.

We drove home and as we were pulling in the driveway my wife turned to me and said, "why dont you go get a coffee while i tuck the kids in."

So i did, i got coffee and we sat out in the yard she smoked a cig while we had our coffee. I thanked her for the night. She thanked me and she apologized for being a b with an itch the last couple of weeks. She knows she has been extra bad lately, she has been struggling with her life choices and really trying to figure it out.

I told her that we had a great day and lets not talk about it. We wathed the dogs play in the yard, and we just talked about day to day lifes little adventures.

I said good night and i came to bed, she is sleeping in her moms place.

Before she went to bed, she asked me if i would wake her up in the morning so we could walk the dogs.

She is so different when she is here at home. When she is with OM and in that environment, she is so different.

I feel it was a great day. hope i can keep the rest of the weekend this good.