Alanon teaches us that its ok to still have hope to see your loved one get sober. My brother is sober now & in AA for the last year & 1/2 and we all never thought that he would do it or ever see that day. But he did. People surprise you sometimes.
My H's recent texts have been the first time I have ever seen him admit that alcohol has ruined his life and that he wants to quit, but just cant. So I do see him changing/awakening a tad bit. However, I do agree that he is just not ready yet to actually get the help he needs. I cant read the future, but something in me tells me that he will hit a bottom and maybe then get that very help. I dont know when. But I do have that hope.
Until then, I am living my life and changing the ways I react to him (if I even respond at all) and he is noticing. Its making him angry and he is defenitely out of control. But I am trying to not let it affect me. I will continue to say no, or not respond. We really have nothing to talk about. He knows how I feel. If he wants to send me paperwork then I will bring it to my Lawyer. Until then I am just trying to surrender and make my life managable.
I dont know why, but I can not throw away my hope. What I see is a man that is lost and confused and doing all the typical things an alcoholic does. He is spiralling down very fast this time since he knows I am no longer playing his game and being there for him when he needs or wants me. It is so heartbreaking for me to be like this, but I know that I need to if he ever has a chance of getting sober. It is so sad to watch the one you love more than anything else in life, kill themselves over a drink. I know he is miserable and lonely and confused and frustrated and angry.
I am better off staying far far away for the time being. But I still have hope.I hope you can all understand. I know I can take care of myself on my own for as long as I need to. I know I have patience. And I know that if he and I are ever going to ever be a "we" that he needs to hit his bottom and find sobriety. If I meet someone else (which I am doubtful about) that I want to pursue then and only then will I make that jump. I believe in M, and the ties that we have are very strong. I know deep down he still loves me and before long he will want to probably come back again, and If it ever does happen - I will not be the pushover I was the last two times - I will insist that he is sober before we try to work on our M. On the other hand,If he wants a D, I will say ok.
I have read co-dependent no more. I understand that I have lost myself in his disease, and I am working on finding Me again. I am working on healing and not letting his shinanagins bother me. Its so hard, but I am doing better and gaining strength and courage everyday. He is not ready to get help, nor will I ever be able to fortell if he will in the future. But I still have hope and compassion for him and his situation. I Love him So much. For some reason, I cant let that go. Even if I can only love him from a distance right now.
I will not sit in bed and cry and become extremely depressed. I am seeking out my old friends and staying VERY busy. I am looking good, and getting lots of compliments. I am reconnecting with my family and got my old job back. I love so much about life and have so much to be thankful for.
I still love my H and I dont know If I could ever just stop that love. Even though I have been through He!! and back with him, I feel that one day we will be whole again. This is a gut feeling. I guess I cant explain. Until the future happens, I am hopeful for his recovery. I Miss him so. Only time will tell. TIPPER p.s. Cindy I cant find your new post you suggested thatI read. where is it?
