We did have a anonymous donor. Even tried a couple times. She went from being really happy about it to not being ready. I know it wasn't easy for her. Her ovulation was off so tracking was really hard for us. She got defeated. She shut me out.
This is one of many things for her with the same outcome. Her buying a gym membership, not going. Her being on a diet, but not sticking to it. Her saying she would take care of the bills, but letting them slide. Her saying she wanted to be emotional present, but couldn't be.
I know her recovery is a good thing for her. I spent alot of time crying yesterday because of realizing that I would rather her be with me.. than be healthy".
I look back at the 7 months of understanding and being supportive and how it "confused" her and make her really sad. She kept saying that "if you only handled this like a bitch, this would have been easier" or when we separated she was like "it makes me really sad that we found this kind of support and love this late".
She's told me she's on the step where she's looking at how she hurt others. I'm sure I'm on that list (she's made many comments about how much she has to apologize to me for). I don't know if that's why she decided to stop talking to me. I guess in the end it doesn't matter.
I'm thinking about opening my own bank account. I've always taken care of our finances. The last time I spoke to her, she had made a big purchase (that we talked about) but forgot to replace it from the savings. I had to remind her - which is something I always do. However, its not like she is spending money like crazy. She makes enough and even still pays for my insurance and a couple of our shared bills (ie: cell, car insurance, etc).
I want to get my own account for two reasons. One - I don't want to be her enabler. She always said she knew I would take care of things.. so she didn't have to. She was like if I get my own place than I will have to be accountable for my money, my laundry, my bills, cleaning my own place. I can't tell if she is being accountable or not with money. It's hard when we both pump all of our money into one account.
The 2nd reason is because it just hurts looking at the account. It's like looking at her FB page. I get to see what she is doing and enjoying without me.
I feel like I have backslidden a little bit. The past two wks I have been angry which have allowed me to move on a little bit. Yesterday and today, I feel like compassion for her. The anger keeps me from being sad that we're over. My compassion just makes me want to keep trying.
Ok.. I'm done running around in circles in my head.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
