Received a call yesterday from my W. ... Then she started in on me about money again. I have given all I have and she still wants more. I told her I borrowed the money that I gace her. She thinks that I am hiding it. So then she gets real mad and says that I am supposed to meet her at her S house next week to sign a separation agreement and then I am supposed to file. I told her that I was not going to assist her in any way...She got even angrier at me and hung up on me.
Now today D17 calls and tells me they need money for gas and food. So I transfer some money into her account. W calls and is... scared/worried that she has no money and I don't get paid until next week. The old me would have told her that you made your bed now lie in it, however I just validated her and told her that I would try to get some more $$ to put into her account till payday.
Now as some of you have written on here, is this a battle that I want to fight...my answer is no....however once we get a signed agreement....I know she will still not have enough...where would you all draw the line....
First off, if you know you don't want to fight this battle, don't fight it. It's a temporary battle if you guys are about to have an enforceable agreement, which will outline expectations nicely so there won't be requests for additional amounts unless unexpected costs arise. That happens but you'll know it. I don't have enough information to answer your question about where to draw the line. I don't know your pay amount or your d's costs/expenses.
I did notice you blamed w for losing the house to foreclosure, b/c you say "she impeded d's chances for aid at college" as if it was something she did alone that you had nothing to do with. Seems odd.
I'm sure she does care about that. As do the girls.
How many girls are at home versus on their own?
How far away are you from them and how often are you getting the girls?
How are your GAL activities? The 180s? I know you said you refrained from punishing her in the money talk and that's really good.
But what are YOU doing on YOU?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25, I will try to answer as best as I can... I don't blame her for the foreclosure....what I feel is that we could have worked out any problems we had....I simply could not afford two places.....She kept on cutting her hours....all that was her choice...
Right now all five girls are at home....the oldest just graduated from college and is looking for a job.
She moved to another state...its about 90 minutes away....I text or talk all the time and see them as often as I can...I get the feeling that they are 100% in there mothers corner....Right now my W has anger, hatred, what ever and I think they will not get right with me until W and I get better...Not get back together...just get on the same page and no fighting...
Now as far as me...I think over the last week I have really begun to detach....I have not engaged in any arguing on my part. I continue to get out of the house and do things that I never made the time for....Its been great...My therapist says she is noticing little changes in me...I asked what she meant...She simply said that after 13 months of hearing me...she thinks that I am ready to move on....I must say that as of late I think I can do this....All I want is for everyone to be happy.....With or without me....However I still feel that once we get this agreement signed, it will not matter.....she will still run out of money....I will not engage in any more money talks, unless its about college....I did get a piece of good news...I was finally able to secure the loan needed for my D17 to get back into college.....So that makes me very happy...I will be seeing all of my D's tomorrow and will hug them and tell them that everything will be fine.....Maybe my W will see that holding all of what she holds inside that is against me...is actually hurting the girls....anyway they are coming up to a weekly band that plays on the waterfront...Lots of dancing and I have fun dancing with my girls to the oldies....So I will keep you all posted and much thanks on the replies....
In writing on this forum...it's like medicine almost....I can get the responses I need so when I do talk to my W. I can be a good person and not get into any M talk.....So my main focus is to completely detach over the next few weeks....I think 16 months has been long enough.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I posted another post to you about making the most of the opportunity that your visit to where the girls are, is gone...wth?
SO I get that the Home is going and you are in new place. I hope your place has room for your d's to stay when they visit you. Has to be a priority. Please avoid ALL money and R talk with your d's.
You tell them it's between you & wife, b/c you don't want them to get involved. Stress the things that won't change FOR THEM in the event of a divorce (don't say the word divorce so much as 'no matter what')
and that you will always be available as will your w, and that you both love them very much. In my case, I knew I would not make my girls move for at least 2 years, so our then d16 could graduate from HS and neither d would have to move or switch schools...this meant a great deal to them. It basically addressed their worst fears. Try to do the same for yours.
At a deep level, even older kids want to be taken care of and protected by thier parents, and this divorce must have rocked their world. They need a lot of reassurance. They lost the family home, and had to move right?
Reassure them that all will be well, you are looking forward to the next chapter of your life, and not to worry, etc. Oh and isn't w about to work more hours? I'd think so
If you feel unfairly "attacked" by them, (worst case scenario) say that you are "sorry they recall/see things that way"....and change the subject...But if there is some validity to what they say, then
you say "If I had a do over, I would do a lot of things differently" --b/c no one can argue with that.
And it's honest. It validates their perception but shows that you are "getting it". Remember to show them the new you, b/c the d's WILL tell your w what they see. Remember that no mother is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children, with their father. Be the best dad you can be. It's a turn on, seriously. Look your best, be upbeat, with a PMA and show the d's (W too if she is there) show that Marriage to you now, would be different than before.
Ultimately, she has to believe that, or you'll never reconcile.
Remember the 180s, remember this is YOUR CHANCE to show those off
-of course without making it obvious that you want them to notice b/c you don't want to appear as if you are using tactics to get her back
but rather, that the real changes you've made, are real, lasting and made for you....can you tell me what those will be?
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 yes they do live with there mother.....we did lose the house and yes I live somewhere else...it does have room for them
No I have said and done everything you said about telling them nothing will change....My W told me a long time ago that the key to her heart was the girls....maybe I should have listened better..
Now for me, I have reconized what I needed to do to make myself happy...I no longer stress the freak out over little things like I used to....Case in point...my oldest got a speeding ticket and called me....the old Scott would have yelled ay her and then yelled at my W...I handled this different, first I asked if she was ok and then I said mail me the ticket and I will pay it....she asked me if I would call her mother and I did...boy her mother went off....a few days later I got a call from my W and she said who are you...you handled that very well. I told her look I am changing my whole way of thinking....My W has noticed some changes and she just says its to little to late...I have accepted that...Your advice to me and this forum letting me vent , I swear has helped me....So GALing this weekend....hoping to see the girls one of those days...Going out to the movies...hanging out with friends and enjoying my weekend off....A while back I would have never done anything like that....So I am going to be ok I think...with or without her...
make sure you see them this weekend. Make it happen.
And next time she says "Who are you?" Don't tell her "see? I've changed!"
Don't call attention to it or you'll get to hear the rest of it, which is "too little too late..."
What you want is her to notice it and know, "Gee, it's real"...but the more you say it, the more it looks like a tactic. Make sense?
Anyhow well done on the ticket!!
Keep posting...baby steps.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 thank you, thank you, thank you... I just had a treat and four of my oldest stopped by work ...(to get some cash) but we talked for almost an hour and they were smiling and laughing...Nothing was said about the M or W...it was just about them and what they have been up to....ie movies they have seen and all sorts of stuff...so right now I am smiling from ear to ear....
Also I don't say anuthing about change anymore....all I know is baby steps....but I will be ok either way....So I will keep posting and insisting on getting advice fromyou good people...I wish I could give some advice from a man's point of view...but I am not ready yet....Someday...glad I have you all...
Oh one thing I forgot to say....My W knows I see a C ,and one day she asked me if my C was pro marriage and I said yes....she real snotty said to me for every C that is for marriage, I can show you six that will tell you to D...I did not even respond...This is not the woman I married 23 years ago.....I wonder where she went and who is the alien thats taken over her....Till next time my friends.
Interestingly comment from her...and though there is some truth to it, who says that's good?
I went thru a few mc's before finding one that wouldn't just tell me, in effect, to leave h. I hated it when they'd tell me "H is the problem"...correction, at FIRST I LIKED IT b/c it meant that I was "right".
Then I came to hate it b/c it meant I was powerless. See the diff?
you could reply "well NO mc says to stay m at all costs..."
b/c your wife is only seeing things from her perspective. Granted I've said you have some real work to do and you do.
But no w is perfect. She's not growing from this, but you are. That's too bad for her and good for you.
Keep it going & nice going with the girls.
Invite them over too. They still have friends back where you are, right? That's a way to get them there...all girls that age WANT to see their peeps and if you are there too...
so invite them and let them have a sleepover where you rent some movies (they may like scary ones) and make popcorn, etc. Even if you are mostly in the next room, it's fun to hear them, and that's what they need to associate with you for now. FUN Daddy. Just an idea.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
W called Sunday evening and was very distant and cold. I remained upbeat even though the topic of the separation agreement was why she called. We have already verbally done it and have been living by it for about 8 months now....She wans to get it done and proceed with the D. So with a little legal help from a L friend I have just finished it on the computer and will have to meet W to get this signed...anyway back to the converation she led into a R talk, mostly about how we got to this place....she once again notices what I have been doing but still wants the D....I was very upbeat and did not sound pathetic like I have in the past. So my friends its not over yet....I told W just because a judge signs a paper my feelings don't change.....she said well I married you to grow old together and its a shame we are here at this point....more to come
My W called and told me she wanted for me to listen....(that's code for blasting me...), I said I have not talked or texted you in three days what did I do now....She informed me that she watched all of our home movies that day....She said that during the birth of our first D I was in the video smiling and hugging and kissing her, she said in all the other video's of the births of our four othere D's, she said that I never kissed her....I was livid but remained calm....I said do you really believe what your saying that I never kissed or hugged you after the birth's...I also said that I took most of the video myself....I can see from reading DB and lurking on here, how a WAS can rewrite history....If you were to listen to the person that claims to be my W, she had 25 years of pure hell....nore to come
