WAW - true or false?

[rh24]

So after much calm, last night a flare up and a BIG talk!

Yesterday I did not talk to W at all during the day. I get a call from her at 4pm asking if I'm picking up son from hitting lesson at 4:30 that she was dropping him off at. The day before I asked if she would mind taking him and I said that 'if it would help, I could probably leave work in time to pick him up if she wanted me to' - that was all that was said. So when she asked if I was picking him up, I calmly answered 'No, I cannnot - I could have if I'd known earlier.'

She KNOWS I work 45 minutes away and she KNOWS she did not communicate with me any further on the matter. I handled it well - normally in the past I would remind her of EXACTLY what I said and how she dropped the ball by not asking for help sooner, but that was the 'old' me!

I could feel a little 'chillyness' over the phone, but nothing major. Then our son had a baseball game at 6pm, I arrived basically at 6:01pm and saw that W had 2 chairs set up where her and MIL sat with no room for me to get a chair and sit with them. Given that, plus the earlier 'chillyness', I stopped and talked with one of the other dads who is a friend of mine for a bit before I walked over to greet W, MIL and D. I said hello and W ignored me, so I said "Hello [full first name]", she then said hello back. I was BSLI for a few minutes, but felt the chill, so I went back over with my friend and sat. Periodically I would get up and go talk to W about events during the game, especially as our son was involved.

After the game she just left and went home without saying goodbye. One of the other dads invited some of us over for a beer as the game was played at a field in our neighborhood. I told my son to tell my wife where I was going and that I wouldn't be gone too long and I watched my son walk the few houses down the street back home.

I got home around an hour later and W was not happy. I was being BSLI and she just said "This is not working, I'm not happy and you're just acting like everything is ok." So my son did NOT tell W where I went, he just came home and didn't say a word, leaving her to ask. She then criticized me not calling to let her know what I was doing.

She starts saying again how she's not happy and that she 'needs to do something' and that it pisses her off that I just 'act like everything is fine'. Initially I didn't really react to that. Then she pressed me, "So you don't have anything to say?"

I responded with "I'm just focused on making the changes I need to 'make a better me' - that's where my energy is going and if you need to 'do something' then that's up to you."

She said "OK then, that tells me all I need to know." Then she said "You know it would be nice if you could just talk from the heart, for real, instead of reciting what your therapist tells you or following the exact steps outlined in a book." Then she rolled over to go to bed.

I heard in her message (my translation): Would you just talk and share what your thinking/feeling because I don't like your whole BSLI/PMA act - it seems disrespectful like you assume everything is just fine when it's not.

I took that as a clear sign that I could not afford to just go silent - that she needed to hear something 'real' from me. So I 'went for it' saying a lot of what I was really feeling - here are some highlights:

- She asked me if I was happy. I told her that our situation was bigger than just answering that question, that that was way too much of an oversimplification. That there's a LOT at stake and that I am focused on the big picture and the long haul so whatever I'm feeling right now is not going to distract me from that.

- I told her that I am NOT 'acting like everything is ok', but that I have made a choice to be happy with what I have each day. I told her I'm treating each day as the last day we might be together and that I am just appreciating every minute of it from day to day.

- I told her I KNOW that I hurt her. That I now know what the faulty beliefs and reactive behaviors were and that I HAVE fixed them and continue to improve myself - again, in the hopes that it will help our R, but if it just helps the next R then that will be ok.

- I told her that I already 'let her go' and see our 'past marriage' as dead. That I still choose her and want to build something new and better than what we had.

- That I apologize for the hurt I caused her in the past and that it IS in THE PAST, and that I OWN IT, and I know it's not something she can just get over quickly, but that I am committed to doing everything in my power to make up for my past mistakes until the day I die.

- I told her that I have been trying to respect her and give her space and that I hate like hell not being able to touch her or hold her or say ILY.

- I told her I realized that I was the one responsible for my own happiness and that it's not HER responsbility and that since making that realization I have made that choice to be happy, and to be positive and that I'm working every day to improve myself.

- She complained that in the past I sat on the computer all the time and treated her and the kids badly. I replied "I no longer sit on the computer, I treat you well like I wish I had all these years and the same with the kids."

After all this she was crying a lot. I was very heartfelt and empassioned in my delivery, but even-keeled and confident.

I ended up asking her why she's been checking my Facebook and email - all she said was she didn't like some of the things I've been posting - which basically amounts to some good 'positive thinking' quotes that have been inspiring to me. I told her "If you're looking for a 'nail in the coffin' you will not find it. I am not doing anything that would be damaging to our R, ONLY things to improve myself." I know there's more to it than that, otherwise she wouldn't be checking my FB messages and sent email.

She responded to my comment about her not being responsible for my happiness by saying that's where she was starting several months ago when she would just go work out, make plans to go out with friends, etc. This morning I followed up on that and said that I thought she might have misunderstood me - I told her MY definition of her not being responsible for my happiness meant that we would certainly 'do our own thing', but in the end we would also put energy into our marriage, that I did NOT see it as 'living separate lives as roommates under the same roof'.

She complained that she 'had been ok' trying to 'do her own thing', but that since I talked to 3 of our friends that that is all ruined for her now, that she doesn't feel comfortable and she's not happy. [RANT: This is stupid to me, getting a D won't change that! I apologized for that once already and I reminded her last night of that apology and that I wouldn't be apologizing again for that.]

At one point after talking about how I had 'let her go' and was 'not pursuing her' she did confirm saying "I do need space."

I also asked her "What is ONE thing I could do that would help move our R in a positive direction?" She referred back to our ONE couples therapy session where the therapist basically ended the session by asking her the same thing and she replied "I don't know. I don't know if there IS anything." The funny thing is - as a result of our exchange I heard at least 3 different, concrete things I CAN do to minimize her fear and to restore her hope.

This morning I also told her "I know I'm the last person you'd take any advice from right now, but I would think that after seeing the changes I KNOW you've seen in me that you might consider going to see a therapist for yourself." She didn't react. She would SO benefit from that, but I know I can't push that.

I would LOVE to get her to read the 1st Chapter of 'Divorce Remedy' because I think it PERFECTLY summarizes all the things that are
messed up with our situation, but I'm sure as soon as I were to ask that would become the #1 item on her 'Things to NEVER do, EVER' list.

OK - so where to from here? What did I do well? Where did I screw up? (I know there was some pursuit in my comments, but I felt she
needed to hear something 'real and from the heart', so there it was!)

Hopefully she's not calling an attorney today! How do I react if/when she does?!