AC, your W may be any combination of the 4 possibilities you mentioned, and the frustrating thing is that you can't do anything about it. She will do what she pleases, and act how she pleases.
You're trying to push a rope up a hill. Can't do it; won't work. We have to let our W's walk this path by themselves, and we have to walk our own path. If those paths merge at some point, wonderful. If not, we still have to keep moving.
OK, that sounds pretty trite as I re-read it, but I believe it to be true..
It's going to take everything inside you to walk into the house like you are on top of the world. Not fake bravado, but quiet confidence. Disarm any attitude she may have with your calmness, kindness and confidence.
You can do this. It will get easier.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
AC, yes I know it's tough, and it's really not fair. However, you can't worry about where she is. Just focus on how you are going to be. Don't let her see this anxiety. Show her your best AC.
Got back very early this morning. W was very civil, perhaps even glad to see me. She had cleaned up the house, which has become a bit unusual over the past year or more. Even left a light on for me.
Came to see me in my room after a few hours sleep. Laid on the bed and asked for details about my trip, gave me a few details about life here while I was gone. Wanted to talk about plans, including movie and dinner tonight, visiting old friends and my mother this weekend, etc., etc.
Then she said we need to discuss 'legal, emotional, financial aspects of our situation', which suggests to me she is intent on moving forward with D. We shall see when that convo happens.
Can a WAW be so friendly and want to spend time together while moving forward with a D? Or is she just confused? I know I am.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
AC, I would say there's definitely some confusion there on her part. It sounds to me like she feels she has made her decision to D, but she's not quite as sure about it right now.
jb: Thanks. If you are correct, then I need to continue to DB and GAL as much as possible, to show her what she stands to lose.
This rollercoaster is truly a mind bender. Wish me luck!
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Update. The confusing rollercoaster continues, and I could use some insight.
W is totally focussed on her game plan of leaving me and moving out of state to start a new life without me. She will stay in our house until January, then take a one year leave of absence from work. She does not want to D, but wants a legal separation to continue her insurance. I told her I would help her through the transition 3 weeks ago, so the leave of absence and separation are not a surprise. I suggested this plan in the first place, to give her at least some stability as she works through issues. Maybe I was wrong.
W spent the last 3 weeks very depressed about her situation, esp. her work situation. She is very unhappy at work, which she used to love, and cannot see through the fog that work will get better again through time. She is convinced she has to cut all ties and leave.
She wants to do things together, wants to see my family, wants to go to events, dinners, etc. I don't know if she is doing this out of guilt, or loniless, or because she still cares for me and us. I don't know how I am going to figure that out.
I know I have to GAL and think about making myself better as I move forward. I know that I have to let her take her own path. I don't know if I should be the nice guy and help her through this mess, or if I should play hardball so that she can see what reality looks like down the road.
She is so depressed. I may be getting the blame, but I am not the entire reason. I desperately want this cloud to clear from over her head. Wish I knew how to do it.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
I know I have to GAL and think about making myself better as I move forward. I know that I have to let her take her own path. I don't know if I should be the nice guy and help her through this mess, or if I should play hardball so that she can see what reality looks like down the road.
She is so depressed. I may be getting the blame, but I am not the entire reason. I desperately want this cloud to clear from over her head. Wish I knew how to do it.
FIrst of all, there is fine line between just "being used" for convenience and being a "beacon of safety and fond memories". Only you know for sure. If she is suffering from depression, it won't hurt anything to be there for her as long it's not making you feel depressed as well.
There is no objective definition of "doormat." If you feel like a doormat, you're a doormat and if you don't you're not. It's that simple.
But let me tell you this. There is no formula or magic to guide her out of her fog - it's HER fog. There's nothing you can do to speed things up or slow them down. The controls are out of your hands. Accept that as fact, and then you may want to make it very difficult for her to dislike you. When she looks back on this episode in her life, how will she remember the way you handled it? Rock? or Jello?
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
"just because I dont' feel for you the way I used to, doesn't mean I don't have a good time with you. I think you should come to the concert, we would have a blast"
"I don't feel connected to you they way I used to. That connection is gone"
I am supposed to believe nothing that I hear? When do I let this sink in that it is true, and that I should just say "F*** this" and move on?
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
AC, I am trying to look at some of the positives. It sounds like she has already softened her position on the D. Also, she is staying in the house until January, which should give you time to DB, GAL, etc. I think DB'ing your tail off is all you can do right now. Give her some space.
Navigating the waters of depression is very tricky, as I'm sure you well know. She is going to have to or someone other than you is going to have to convince her to get some help. It's hard telling whether this is clinical depression, situational depression, or a combination of the two.
She has wanted to D me for 2 years, it seems. Yesterday I felt like the nice guy, helping her out. Today I feel like a moron doormat. I came back ready to work on our R this summer. Seems as if she could'nt give a rat's a**. I should just cut my losses and move on.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
