Forgive or else...what?

[25yearsmlc]

so he says c is an option, but he's still with her...


dang...

How about Retrovaille, under the guise of helping your R dealing with kids??

It's a real cool good thing as I mentioned to you.

[LauraOh]

I am really glad to see this post by 25yearmlc. Thank you for expounding on your sitch.

I have been here before, did a lot of hard work, and learned that forgiveness was the only way. My mother was angry and bitter with my dad EVEN AFTER HIS DEATH!! And I never knew how to respond to her continued tirades of all he did wrong. Until I started to read some of your posts. You have had some wonderful truth darts that I have thrown recently at my mother!

And, soon I suppose, I will be throwing them to my STBEX. He is angry, bitter, and hateful. He wanted a D 7 years ago, I DB'd, got us "back", and he filed again last Aug.

He became increasingly violent until in Jan he struck me and went to jail.

I am moving on now myself. It's like you said--life is short. I know how to make the most of what i have left, and I am going for it. I am so very thankful for what I learned here. It has helped me in every aspect of my life.

There are so many blessings that come from learning how to forgive.

[25yearsmlc]

thanks for posting laura,


I think what you learned and are learning are so important to share...I hope you will do that.

Where's your h now? Isn't it ironic that HE got violent and HE filed?

So what steps are you taking to make YOU happy the fastest?

Kids?

[LauraOh]

I tell you what, 25, I do look so forward to your posts--you have a way of putting things that just "ring true" with me. I have struggled for YEARS trying to explain to my mother how her spewing about my (now dead) father was putting a wedge between her and my sister and I. I could see how she used it to be the "victim". She took no responsibiity for anything that went wrong. Ever. Still doesn't.

But I have let fly a few zingers at her lately.lol. It sure is fun to leave them speechless!

She was one of the reasons that when my H was "unhappy" the first time I REALLY dug deep--I did NOT want to be "clueless" like she was. And the old saying, "ask and you shall receive" sure rang true with me--I had LOTS of faults--TONS. I love how you posted to someone recently that it's GOOD NEWS when you can find out where you have gone wrong--you can do a lot of fixing! I started to "get that". I asked God to show me more, and he usually did.lol. Still does in fact!lol.

I share what I can--I have practically taken over the Divorce and Support Care group at church.lol. I try to get people to give their M a second chance--try to explain how at this point it really isn't too painful to be going through a D. I gave it everything. You'll never be sorry in the end when you really "do the work".

And my H? Well, we have had a "no contact" order for the past 5 months (he struck me in Jan). I did see him back in March to negotiate our D. I signed paperwork a few weeks ago from the State Attorney's office (who brought a case against my H for assault--even though I never pressed charges--they are getting tough on this stuff now though...) I think since I signed the paperwork the case was dropped and the no contact order is dropped too. They are TERRIBLE about letting you know what is happening. As H came to the house today and knocked on the door to get my S15. That was quite unnerving actually. I was in my bedroom and I got very scared.

I don't want to be "buds" with my STBExH, but..I don't know how to be. I have struggled today a lot with that. Invite him in? Be friendly? I have made a lot of changes to the house since he's been gone. I haven't had a BIT of trouble GAL. I know he's asked my S15 how I'm doing in school (great--loving every moment of it!!) I forgive him, but fear he's going to try to find ways to "get me". I know he knows I'm doing well without him.

You wrote a little about them "watching you". Do you have more thoughts about that?

[25yearsmlc]

Laura

I'll try to track down your main thread to see your sitch and if I can advise.

Take care, your forgiveness work with your mom will get better. You might want to try some of Marianne Williamson's work on anger/fear and "return to love" which has some exercises (she doesn't label them that way though, you just get it from her examples) On forgiveness and how to do it.

She's new agey but I got a lot out of her books.

Good luck and keep posting. When you post here and dig deep (the real journey is an inward one) and bravely address our own shortcomings and


work to truly let go of our pain, our lives improve a lot...A LOT and so do the R's...

IDK enough about your h to advise much yet but you can forgive him


and never tell or see him...do you see that?


People have forgiven others who have murdered family members...they don't invite the killers in their home though...

[LauraOh]

Oh, I do get that I can forgive H, yet never have him around.

H has become increasingly violent. Of course, he could have learned his lesson--I don't know where he is at right now. In March he was no different--so he may be that way now too--but he did have some court-ordered therapy since then...

I'll be honest with you--I'm not one of these people that gush about what a great marriage they had. I had some good years, but there have been issues with porn, anger, controlling, verbal abuse...I had a pretty prominent "vet" here tell me that my R was probably not worth saving.

Still, the lessons I've learned have profoundly influenced my life. And I love to lurk and learn more when I can.

I have read Ms. Williamson and you are right--she was just a bit "new-age" for me.

I prefer the "grace message" that I get at my church. I have never worked so hard on "focusing on the positives so that they will increase, forgiveness, setting healthy boundaries, etc". It feels really odd--to not worry and trust in God when I am in the midst of such chaos. (no job, in school, settled in March with H and his L wrote up the wrong account numbers, my L wanting more money that I no longer have, death of my attorney father in Sept, I need to stop--I am getting chest pain!lol.)

But in the midst of all of this--there are unbelievable blessings. God only lets me think of and worry for just so long--and then he does something wonderful for me. My son got 2 awards this year in school, I started volunteering for Hospice and the daughter has become an inspiration to me, etc.

It's such an interesting, twisty, turny journey. I am excited in the morning to know "what will He do next?" Because, I tell you, it's always something. I had a friend that insisted on giving me some raffle tickets for a raffle on Sat--I am not spending a penny more than I have to right now because the settlement that was supposed to come in March still hasn't happened...but anyway...I told her not to bother--I never win on these thinges. Literally, I have been involved in this hobby where there is a raffle along with it for YEARS and I have never won anything.

I have been wanting flowers for the front of my house but haven't been able to bring myself to get them--tried to buy "discounted ones" but they were so pathetic I just didn't do it.

So of course I won a huge flat of flowers! And some squash--I have been wanting to try "new recipes" now that I don't have to cook for H and have been playing a bit with being a vegetarian (it's cheaper that way.lol), etc. Squash is perfect!! I have never really cooked with it and there is an internet full of recipes!!

You are so right--it IS an inward journey. And most here are focused on the other person. You are very skilled at helping people see that--I am really enjoying how you can explain it without getting frustrated and the communication breaking down. I have posted a bit, but...don't quite have the knack you have aquired just yet.

Thank you for posting to me--another blessing to focus on!!lol

[25yearsmlc]

thanks Laura,

Squash? I never cared for it but got some butternut squash bisque at a restaurant that was so good, i started making it at home, with some sour cream on top, and then I got into the whole squash phase...excellent. And Just planted a "drought friendly" garden too. Digging is tough on the back...really.

Good for you!

I hesitate to say "give up" b/c a R sounds so bad, but if I were to say it here on a DB site, it'd be for a violent guy. I mean, I get it.




I'm not going to say "oh good Laura, see the baby steps, he didn't hit you this week"....



We ALL have the right to a "hit free" life. Geez ....

Do you know what you want, now that the div is final? Just a peaceful r with him or what? More?


Sorry about the legal hassles. If your L made the mistake I would not pay him more...just wondering...


Keep taking care of yourself,



As you know it IS getting better. Thank God...(literally!)

[LauraOh]

A "squash phase".lol. I can see myself doing that!

Oh boy--the BIG QUESTION.

What do I want w/H...

Yes, a peaceful R. And, if I could handle it, more. I worked terrifically hard. Wow--did I work hard.

You rather eluded to what would happen if your H did this ever again. See, I'm in that spot--my H did it again. What would you do??

And you also said the path to reconsiliation must be laid by the LB and it must be an easy one (you were posting somewhere over on newcomers--I look for your posts.lol)

My H had some legitimate complaints that first time.

I laid the path. I got him back. I know EXACTLY what you are saying. The work is the LB's, but it's empowering to do it. Doing that work makes me endlessly proud of myself.

So the second time I am ashamed to admit but...I lost my patience I guess. I just looked at him after the whole ILYBNIL spew and....checked out emotionally of the R. Started to think of myself. And didn't feel guilt at all.

Dreamed of what I wanted to be/do/accomplish. Began a bucket list after hearing a sermon on doing that.

I'm very spiritual now. And my H is...I don't know what he is. But he is rebellious and full of drama and crazy schemes and ideas (yours wanted to go to Alaska, mine Australia).lol.

He's smart, good looking, well educated, funny, charming, generous...

And cruel, abusive, impatient, perfectionistic,...

ugh.

And I can't get rid of the parts I don't want and keep the parts I do, can I.lol.

H filed this time in Aug (he never filed the first time) and I went out, had fun, it was NO ACT let me tell you. And my H made noise like he'd made a mistake and kept saying "this is so ridiculous".

But I was GONE 25. I just don't know if that is a character defect or survival but...after I got male attention elsewhere (and don't get me wrong--NOTHING happened) I was just in another world.

His L made the errors. My L said it was fair to ask his L to pay the fees. I thought I'd made my last payment to her, but...her acct. or someone sent me this rather unpleasant email saying I needed to send her $4000 more dollars (paying for incurred costs and a deposit.)

I have 1 more week of school and then I'll have the energy to deal with this stuff with the Ls. I am just dealing with so much right now--My dad would have been so helpful. But he died in Sept.

I can't see a way back now, with all that has happened. I had such a clear picture the first time--this time, with the no-contact and him getting worse (more violent), I just can't envision it.

Yeah, thanks for not making "no hitting" a baby step!!

[25yearsmlc]

for ME,

it's a paradox. On one hand, we always have to DB, you know?

OTOH,

if my h pulled another weird "MLC" phase on me, I'm sorry.


I can only handle ONE MAJOR marital crisis, not to mention the years in that crap. Now that I know I can make it on my own


and the terror of being left is gone, and the upsides of being single are known to me



my marriage is only going to work if we're both in it. We seem to be.

For me, the DB WORK part, where you're wounded and suffering,

is a once in a life time deal...I've already thought it out and I think that I could forgive him BUT



it empowers me to know, that I will NEVER go thru something like that again...


but that's just me

[LauraOh]

it's a paradox. On one hand, we always have to DB, you know?

It's ingrained in me. I don't know how NOT to do it. I use it with everything and of course I STILL think of ways to DB my H.

I can only handle ONE MAJOR marital crisis, not to mention the years in that crap. Now that I know I can make it on my own

Did your H have legitimate complaints the first time? Or was it just the terror of him leaving and now you've thought that one through?

For me, the DB WORK part, where you're wounded and suffering,

is a once in a life time deal...

See, I think that too--I can *never* be as devastated as that first time. So...what the heck? What do I have to lose?? I don't think it will make TONS of difference one way or the other but...

I know this guy--I know him inside and out. What is the harm of throwing him a truth dart now and then? Being kind, or encouraging him if I am able to.

Am I fooling myself? Or am I that strong now??

it empowers me to know, that I will NEVER go thru something like that again...

Very empowering! I feel like no one can hurt me in that way EVER again. It's a great feeling!

Have a ladies' meeting tonight and am wanting to make a squash dish--got any good recipes to share?!