I was/am the more giving one in my M. Unlike Denver, I have few regrets with the way I treated my W the first 14 years of M.
SBH
I don't think it is about finding justification for an A. It's about trying to understand the reason for it.
You said you treated your wife like gold for 14 years of your M. I don't know about the other 2 years. Yet despite this golden treatment your W still had an EA, correct? Kissed another man? correct? Thought she was in love with him and had no connection to you? correct?
So do you know why this happened? Did you gain any insight to the issues that lead to this breach of trust?
I'm not bringing this up to cause you pain, but to highlight the affair (even an EA) is an issue for Both of you, caused by both of you, and has to be fixed by both of you.
I think your wife's EA still pains you - a lot. But the main thing keeping it alive now is not forgiving. Forgiving doesn't mean excusing, doesn't mean forgetting.
The forgiveness isn't for your W it's for you.
I know Denver isn't there yet. I've started down that road myself.
Focusing on the actions of the A, takes the focus off the real issues at play here.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
