OK, now I've got my bearings. Please don't feel you need to thank me for working with you on crazymaking, because you're actually doing a service for me by forcing me to think how this permeates through the tapestry of my own sordid life...
I appreciate having someone give me chances to keep working on this.
I think Dr. K. absolutely requires down time that is solitary in nature. I've now seen months of evidence to support this statement. When he's feeling anxious, nervous, frustrated, whatever, he has to retreat back into the cave. (He seems to fit the Martian to a T--the Mars/Venus thing...)
Knowing this, I think it would pay off in a big way if you can accommodate this need for him in as cooperative and nice way as you can...
My guess is that the other professor lives in Richmond because there are more things to do there and more of a variety of things to do with a younger family... I don't think the schools are any better there, but since I haven't lived in VA for awhile, who knows?
Why not work with Dr. K. in a direct fashion? You sort of understand what his underlying need is (to have some space) and maybe what he's driving at. But maybe you're ASSuming?
Why not sit down with him and ask, "Dr. K. you've brought up the teaching job in VA several times. It's enough for me to know that you're seriously considering this career opportunity. I feel that you have some reservations and would like to discuss this with you."
Then you can move on from there.
I'm not seeing this as much of an issue with crazymaking as a fear that by moving to a new place, you're going to feel needy and insecure by not having friends or a job and he doesn't want to be the one to fill that need.
Gosh, I'm not trying to hurt you here... please know this. I'm just trying to imagine being him for a moment.
SOOOOO, the answer is compromise. You're going to have to show him your list of goals for yourself and how you're setting out to achieve them (relieving him of that perceived responsibility) and finding a way to reassure him that you're supportive. And on the flip side of that compromising coin, you are going to have to accept that your man needs some space.
Because the school he's looking at is a damn great university... and we both know it's a great opportunity. If I have any pros about moving back home in the future (Mr. W.'s job is there), it would be to send D9 to college in VA... their state schools are wonderful and nearly all of them rank high in the college listings (and yes, it makes me happy that I got my education there).
As far as open ended conversations go, why not try this tact and see if it works:
Dr. K: "Okay, I'll call you later.... bye!" Trish: "Before you go, I just want to let you know that I'll be job hunting this afternoon. If I'm not home, please leave me a message so I can call you back, okay? I love you!"
This lets him know that you won't be sitting around waiting for him to call, you're busy BUT you're available to him.
I see those as being important to him. He doesn't want to "take care" of you, Trish. He wants to BE WITH YOU. This puts you in the driver's seat of your own car. No, you can't ask Gripman to come be your limo driver!
This is all stuff you can manage! Besides, didn't you hate giving him all that power to make you happy or miserable, to make decisions for you and to decide when? Now you've told him that you can do this, and it makes him feel happier too.
Where's the lose here?
Hugs!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
