Holding on to anger, holding on to self righteousness, standing on a soapbox and pointing fingers, doesn't serve the goals of reconciliation or healing, and it does go against DB principals...
It won't lead you to reconciliation in the long term...
We all make mistakes, there are no degrees of mistake or bad choices really, just mistakes and bad choices, or simply choices that dont "fit" with what we expect (I hate to say that just because a choice isn't the one that I would have made that it is bad.)
Denver, as a lawyer, where there are degrees of badness, and punitive damages, this may be where you are having a problem...
As much as I rag you about that, you really do have to take the legal thinking out if this. It just isn't that black and white, just like to a victims family it is as black and white as say --first degree murder-intent-life in prison; drunk driving accident-manslauter-no intent, no thought-20 years in prison. To them, their loved one is still dead because of someone else...And it hurts the same and they have to find their ways to forgive and heal...
We forgive, for ourselves...
So that we don't live in anger, bitterness, and rage...
We forgive, to have the opportunity to reconcile...
Or eventually enter into a new R...
Or be alone...
And be truly happy...
We become better people through this process...
So that we don't repeat our mistakes...
Now Denver,
As far as Thatgirl and my posts...
TG said it and I will repeat...
You may have been a crap H...
You made mistakes...
You treated your W like crap...
We all get that, including you...
On her side (because she isn't as rosy as you want to paint her)...
What she is going to have to deal with or is dealing with, her anger makes me think that she is close but probably not there yet...
She allowed the treatment. She allowed herself to be mistreated. She allowed herself to be neglected, to be abused. (Yes people hate that word, but emotional abuse is still abuse).
She has to deal with that. She has to understand why she became that way...Either it was simply the dynamics of the way the two of you interacted, or something deeper within her...
Like you didn't set out to be a neglectful H, she didn't set out to be accepting of that sort of treatment either...
It is something that happens over time...
While you should understand your role and her perspective, you should also understand her role in that...because she does have one...
Women who get physically abused by their H's, don't ask for that behavior, are not responsible for it, but when they do nothing to change it or remove themselves from the situation, then they become just as responsible for it continuing...
I don't know if that makes sense to you but it is true...
Keep giving her time, let her deal with these things, she has to step out of the victim role she has painted herself into...
She needs to find forgivness for you (which is actually the easy part) but she also has to find forgivness of herself and that is hard to do...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
