my heart is breaking

[25yearsmlc]

Don't worry about the ML unless you feel like crap about it later. It's very very personal.


I do think that no man ever came home for the great sex he NEVER had...for us, I know that h felt most connected in that manner. It's his love language so, no regrets here.



Um, did you read the laura munson article, "Those Aren't Fighting Words"? It's about MLC and one woman's approach to it. I think I suggested it before but you kind of ignored it.


I'm not giving you a 2 x 4 but I think you are spinning too much...too much stinking thinking going on....NOT helping your cause or your health.


You need to answer the questions posed to you. For you mostly....and for us to help you better. Instead you repeat yourself a lot.



I know, I did it too. Told anyone I met what my h was doing and asked total strangers why he would do this...

And my sister got me to stop being destructive and start being constructive...



Did you see a lawyer or not? How'd you feel after? Less afraid?




Also don't catastrophize every event so that it means this or that and try to anticipate what each turn of events might mean or which way HE will go or what HE will feel or what HE might SAY or THINK... If his mom goes to a nursing home, he'll have more time to reflect on his choices without the pressure he feels now.

If he sells the house, there's more money for YOU to not feel as if you'll be poor.

Also LESS financial pressure and feelings of failure for him...


Don't make everything negative or it will be...work on the PMA asap.


time to focus on you and ONLY YOU....what are your 180s?

Please don't ignore that question.


Are you different around your h at all? At least the seducing was a 180!


Yes you will get over the shock. You will learn to deal with this. When?



when you decide to.



IF your life were a novel, how would you like your next chapter to go?


More important, who is writing your novel? Be the author of your life....

[kermitdfrog]

Either I am too sentimental or my husband is cold as ice.

Why is it that everything makes me cry? My daughter came over tonight to have a "family dinner" with my son and I. We used to call it that after the kids grew up and went off to college, grad school, etc. We would plan dinners at home together every so often. All 4 of us under one roof and eating together at the table, like we did while they were growing up. Many times we would end the evening with a board game or cards. I always felt lucky that our kids loved spending time with us, even as they became teenagers and young adults. I treasure those memories.

So tonight we did that. Without their dad. Staring at his empty chair at the table. It hurts so much! Even going through cabinets to get cooking utensils, etc., brings memories. The rolling pin we use every year to make gingerbread men (yes, even my husband and kids in their early 20s! We do it every year!) The casserole dishes I've used a million times making dinner for my beloved family. Special dishes that were wedding gifts, almost 28 years ago. I cannot tell you how much everything in this house hurts.
I let my dogs outside and see the fire pit on the patio. Still containing a half burned log from a romantic night sitting by the fire with my husband while we were "working" on our marriage.
The stenciled words on our kitchen wall, "Home is where your story begins..."
The lamp my husband's employer (at the time) bought for me for making my husband come into work for Mothers' Day several years ago. (See a pattern here?) My husband has always been a workaholic. But I always felt loved. Until now.

I apologize for the trip down memory lane, but living in this house is so painful! My husband is removed from anything painful. He doesn't live with the memories. He doesn't see our kids' pain. He no longer attends our church, the one we took our vows in. The one our son was baptized in (our daughter was baptized while we lived out of town),the one both kids were confirmed in.

To make matters worse, I have briefly talked to him a couple times in the last couple days, just about household business. And he just seems so perky, and even when I mentioned that the kids and I were having dinner together, it didn't seem to phase him. I am always very careful not to say it in a "rub it in" kind of way. Just a casual mention if it fits in the conversation. But he seems so unconcerned. And lately he almost seems happy, now that he is "getting rid of" his mom. She will be going into a nursing home as soon as this weekend. Although she needs to, it just seems to be my husband's way of solving stress. Just get rid of a person. Like he is doing with me.

Anyway, I need advice on something. My kids are thinking of doing an "intervention" type of thing. Going out to dinner with their dad and trying to talk him into trying in the marriage again. For them. I asked my counselor what he thought, and he said it probably wouldn't work, but it is not a bad idea. As long as they don't take on "my voice" because he will tune them out if they sound like me. But I am a bit nervous about the whole idea.

I want to thank everyone for their posts. I have had a lot of encouragement, and it really helps a lot. Thank you so much.

25yearsmlc, yes I have seen an attorney.
Also, yes, I read that article. I believe I mentioned in my other thread that I really liked it and wish I had handled things that way.
As far as the 180s, I would say the fact that I no longer call or initiate contact is a change. Also, the seducing, for sure. And I would say the fact that I am handling so many things without him. I was always rather dependent on him for stereotypical "man" things, and now I am doing them alone. And he is aware. (I even took our son to buy his first car. Should have been his dad, but we did a great job)
The last couple of phone calls, I made sure I ended the call before him. Sometimes, though, he doesn't say "I love you" which scares me. But as you said, 25yearsmlc, I've got to stop analyzing everything. You were right on about that. I do that too much. My husband always said I was too negative, even during this journey, but I was right! My fear came true! But I do have to get a grip...

Anyway, thanks everybody for reading my long posts. It just feels good to get my feelings out. Like a journal. I am still trying to figure out how a previously wonderful man can suddenly cease to have feelings, and decide to just "get rid of" a person! A human being they supposedly loved. Cast aside like a piece of trash. It blows my mind.

Thanks for reading.

[LearningPatience]

kermit,
since you asked for specific advice... I also doubt that an intervention dinner will sway your H. The *best* that it can do is not push him further away and let him know how his kids feel. Done wrong though and it can alienate father and kids even more. I think if it's done it's more for the kids benefit to let him know they don't agree but that they still love him. Let them air their concerns.

It's tough on the whole family. It isn't fair, but it is what it is. Try to stay strong for yourself and your kids!

[AloneAt35]

Kermit,

I am so profoundly sorry for what you are going through. I am going through it myself and your words exactly echo the pain in my heart.

NO, you are not too sensitive - your sensitivity is a treasure. YES, your husband is as cold as ice right now. My world is also full of treasured memories that are only painful to me right now. It makes one want to escape the world just to escape the reminders and pain of the profound loss of the person we knew and loved.

Yes, our spouse/partner has decided to 'get rid of us.' No, we can't ever imagine doing such a thing to someone who shared their life with us. Such an action is antithetical to everything we believed was true about the world. And the coldness is the most terrifying part (I just experienced that myself today).

Why are we "cast aside like a piece of trash" as you so aptly put it? I've done so much thinking on this and the only thing I can conclude (and it is an extremely painful conclusion) is that for whatever reason (OW, MLC, long-simmering resentments, new focus in life) our love is simply no longer needed or valued at the moment - so neither are we.

Does this mean we aren't valuable people? Of course not and I can only imagine you know that too - though I am constantly tossed up on the shores of self-loathing by the cruelty of the situation and struggle to keep perspective every instant of every moment of every second of every minute of every day.

Does this mean that our love and lives WILL NEVER be appreciated by them - maybe. But there are stories of people here who became loved again - sometimes by their spouses/partners and sometimes by others, but always by THEMSELVES - they learned to appreciate and value themselves enough to survive, and maybe we can learn this too.

Tonight is one of the most painful nights I have experienced in my whole life but we can reach out and support each other. Even a stranger values you - you are not alone and you are understood.

[25yearsmlc]

I'm reposting so you can answer this even if only for you...

I'm not giving you a 2 x 4 but I think you are spinning too much...too much stinking
thinking going on....NOT helping your cause or your health.


Still doing this ^^^ and you are making yourself nuts AND I think your kids are trying to help YOU more than themselves. As long as it's for them, let them talk. But stop showing them your pain. Makes it even worse for them.

You need to answer the questions posed to you. For you mostly....and for us to help you better. Instead you repeat yourself a lot.



I know, I did it too. Told anyone I met what my h was doing and asked total strangers why he would do this...

And my sister got me to stop being destructive and start being constructive...



Did you see a lawyer or not? How'd you feel after? Less afraid?


Well ^^^^??

Also don't catastrophize every event so that it means this or that and try to anticipate what each turn of events might mean or which way HE will go or what HE will feel or what HE might SAY or THINK... If his mom goes to a nursing home, he'll have more time to reflect on his choices without the pressure he feels now.

If he sells the house, there's more money for YOU to not feel as if you'll be poor.

Also LESS financial pressure and feelings of failure for him...


Don't make everything negative or it will be...work on the PMA asap.


time to focus on you and ONLY YOU....what are your 180s?

Please don't ignore that question.


and ^^^^ how about these?


Yes you will get over the shock. You will learn to deal with this. When?
when you decide to.



IF your life were a novel, how would you like your next chapter to go?


More important, who is writing your novel? Be the author of your life....

[25yearsmlc]

I'm not trying out "tough love" here ^^^


I just want your focus to SHIFT AWAY FROM YOUR H and your constant

questions about why he is doing this or what the future holds for HIM...

I'm only interested now, in YOU and YOUR PLANS....


well??

[kermitdfrog]

Weekends are really tough. Most of my friends are married, and I hate taking them from their families on weekends. I usually am able to set up a lunch with a friend but this weekend that wasn't able to happen. So here I sit on a Friday night in tears. My son (who is home from college for the summer) is out with friends. I just feel so alone. I am trying so hard not to feel sorry for myself but I hate this so much! I am so used to having my husband with me. Not every minute, of course. Remember, he is a workaholic. I did have other things in my life. But weekends we were together. Even throughout our separation, until April when he said he was ready to divorce, he came home every weekend. Plus, I was in a little better place mentally, because there was still hope for our marriage because he hadn't closed the door completely.

Now I know what you will say...that I need to GAL and I am trying so hard! I have been getting together a lot with friends (out to lunch, mostly) and have made a lot of new ones. I have thrown myself more into my job. I signed up to volunteer at the Christian radio station in town, but they haven't called back yet. My hope is that I can do that on Saturdays to break up my weekends. It's just this simple...I just miss him. I wish I didn't love him so much and enjoy being with him so much. We used to have so much fun together. I understand the purpose of GAL. I am just having trouble getting my emotions to cooperate.

[25yearsmlc]

nothing I can say that I haven't said already


read the posts til you KNOW them...

Sorry you are in so much pain


It CAN get better

[jbnati]

Kermit - I am sorry to hear about your situation along with the others. I can tell you from my own experience how beneficial GAL'ing is. If you can get a rhythm going, you will find it very energizing. It sounds like you are starting to get some momentum going with that. Unfortunately you are competing against an idealized lifestyle he has in mind. Although GAL'ing is primarily for you (concentrate on things you would still do even if he came back today), it helps with this.

It sounds like your H has rejected some of his core values. He is in a fog right now. He is not thinking rationally.

It does get better with time. The hills and valley on the roller coaster start to smooth out a bit, especially once you have your game plan in place.

You are doing the right thing. You want to be able to look yourself in the mirror someday and be able to tell yourself you did everything humanly possible to save your M. You also want to be able to look your kids in the eye someday and tell them the same thing.

[Timetotry]

Kermit,

GAL doesn't always mean having to be out with friends/others.

I have a similar situation so I go out shopping if everyone is busy. Whether it be the mall, Target, Walmart or even just the food store. I also would goto book stores, of which before I enterd my sitch, I NEVER went into one. I'd find a relationship book and just sit even for an hour. I could just go buy the book but I forced myself to stay there to help hold back tears. Something to help take my mind off of it even though its hard too.

Again, what helped me is knowing I was in public, so I had to hold the tears back then, at least until I got to my car!

Just a suggestion but its better at first to try this. As months passed, I am more comfortable just being home on my 'free' night.

Ironically, my H has made a point of being around now ALWAYS on my free night! He is having a hard time with my 'mystery' time.