Hi,
Well not too much to report.
Monday I left from condo to go to interview and job hunt all day....left from condo after dinner to go back out to house...took the jeep.
I worked yesterday (tuesday) and had the jeep from the night before, when I was at the condo, so we had agreed I'd put it back on the street by the condo by 5 and take the bus back out to the house from town...

I found a spot for the jeep and called him to let him know all was well...it was there for him to take to his meeting at 7:30. He approved that I got a great spot ...I called him from the lobby of a warm building up the street, he was glad of that too said good choice!...then he asked if I was headed home? I said yes, unless he wants to ask me up for soup?

He suddenly sounded very tired and said he was in "the middle of things, and didn't really want to break " so I said, a little too cheerfully, "okay, you're busy, I'll just go."

Then he sounded a little perkier and said "Okay, I'll call you later."

Okay, call me later.

I should have said WHEN!...tonight,tommorow next century??...I HATE this vague open ended ness......it leaves it all up to whatever and I'm left wondering when is he going to call and we know from this past weekend that just leaving it up on the air leads to us not connecting and we both get frustrated?.....

As I walked out of the building I became very angry and had this feeling like he had just blown me off...and I let him??

I walked for six blocks in frigid, mind-gripping, cold with not enought on! Just so I could take the BUS back to the house......!!!! I never want to do this again.

I thought to myself, he had plenty of time before his meeting, we could have had soup and watched the news and shared our day........

I really got upset about this ...more at myself I think....
I FROZE my ass off and had to wait an extra hour because I had missed the earlier bus....so I didn't even get to the house until after 7.

Did I set myself up for this? Am I being too accomodating? Am I expecting too much? Is he not aware how cold it is?

Trying to be fair:

He was indoors all day and he rarely knows what the weather is like especially if he's busy, he doesn't pay attention!!....He did have a class to prepare for on wednesday night...along with a meeting with shark lady today that he had to be ready for...but I still think it was cold not to invite me up and we could share an hour or so.......
I don't want to give him an out...but I do want to be reasonable
I really want to find a way to communicate this to him...

He will call. Probably tommorow (Thursday evening) because tonight he has class so that shoots tonight, and tommorwo he can't reach me at work, so that leaves thursday night. Now this is important, WHY?

Because it leaves me hanging out of his life. I know that sounds needy but I don't mean it that way, it leaves us unconnected!! This is how we always get off track!!! Having to play catch up...because we don't live together!!

Forward motion:

I went to the job bank this morning.....found some good posting....will spend the afternoon answering them..

Sideways:
My mother called...she wants to know when I am filing?

Next will be my father.....probably by tonight...

The divorce attorney called...I know he just wants an update on any activity between us.....I don't know if I should or should not tell him about the bankruptcy yet....it won't make much difference. There is no equity left in the house.....

Stuck in the middle:

Dr. K said something monday that is now driving me up a wall..
I've been trying to "thought stop"....trying to stop stinkin thinkin.....

I can't predict the future but it sent me around the bend last night...and I barely slept thinking about it..

On monday while we were having spagetti...he showed me an e-mail that he had gotten from Faye, a teaching colleague at his last postition.

Faye is a great character....and I love her even though I have never met her in person.

Dr. K had applied to a school in VA...it's the no.#1 on his list of choices.
Faye was kind enough to put Dr. K in touch with a colleague of hers that works there in the same dept. that Dr. K would be in......so this guy e-m'd Dr. K back telling him all about himself and how he lives in the university area Monday thru thursday and then commutes to Richmond ( where his wife and two school age D's live ) friday thru monday.

Well, Dr. K e-m's him back and says how sorta alike our sitch is....ie: wife lives on other side of town..he is in condo because of it's convenience, only we only have one child left at home( slight exager) blah, blah, blah.....

During dinner Dr. K says to me, "what did you think of their sitch?"...I said "well,they probably do that because the schools are better in Richmond." He nods in agreement.
Then he asks me again as we are going out the door...What do you think of that?...Now my radar is up , but I'm too slow on the uptake. Whenever he asks me things more than once like that he's after something, rather he's trying to say something but NOT.

I said, with a smile "what's up? this is the third time you've asked me about this."

(I really didn't get what he was trying to get to at that point)

"well, you didn't answer me when I asked you" ,he says.( lame and he knew it)

I said, "yes, I did. I said it was probably because of the kids....it must be hard on them...of course we're not in that position....having to consider the kids, that is.....how far away is Richmond from the school?"

"About three-four hours.", he says.
(lie, lie, lie)


Now it took me the better part of yesterday before it dawned on me late last night what he was getting at........

I think he was saying something like let's keep you here in pittsburgh and I'll go to VA and I'll commute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could just see him trying to make a case for that!
It's about 5-6 hours from here to there......and he would say 4!

I checked.From Richmond to the school is only 1 1/2 hours, so he is exaggerating this guys commute. 1 1/2 is not 6 hours!....And we have no reason to commute like that... I am looking forward to finally being together for a change!! and can you imagine how quick that kind of commute would loose it's appeal!

Now I was pretty upset at first til I realized, nothing has been decided yet. he may not even end up there. He has not said he wanted to do that. In fact when I said do you want to do that?? he said no, he just wondered what I thought of it,..but I can't help but think moving in together has him nervous.

I read through someone's post last night about how in MLC it seems like he's going back into replay....about going over the options again before closing the door on the idea. So I felt a little better....

He may be fantasizing how this apart time has been helpful for us but if he is, he's forgetting the horrible stuff it's done to us.....

I wanted to remind him how awfull it's been but I didn't get where he was coming from in time to answer with any competence.....

I did not get married to live apart.
We have been having this arrangement for 8 years and maybe he's afraid how we will manage when we are together.

I think I need to remind him I will be working and taking classes and how we won't really be under foot of each other. Also we could get busy with making a home for ourselves, like we've always talked about.

Guess I just needed to vent some insecurities....

Got to get to those job listings!!! feeling good about that!!

Later

Trish