"But I do want to say that it takes a heck of a man to face his own past behavior and mistakes, acknowledge the root of the problem and embrace change."
All well and good Thatgirl...
I wonder if his W plans on doing the same.
"I was simply offering him a glimpse into his W's perspective because I could identify so much with her in the scope of the conversation he replayed for us."
I get it Thatgirl.
But you fail to mention, as do most of the posters, that Denver also has a "perspective". And can you relate to HIS difficulties in the M.
She cheated!
Bottom line!!!
If you cheated on a test would you blame the teacher?
There is NO justification!!!
NO cause!!!
NO excuse!!!
NO reason!!!
She can divorce Denver and do what she wants.
BUT THEY ARE M!!!!!
Sorry to hijack Denver. But I'm so sick and tired of us men being the CAUSE of our spouses unhappiness.
She CHOOSE to have an A!!!
IT'S WRONG!!! BOTTOM LINE!!!
SBH - OUT!!!
Man... you're really putting me in a position where I need to defend my W here ... and beat myself up even more than I already have SBH.
Listen, I get you. I do. Like I said though, this is not a zero sum game. And there really are no winners in my sitch. NONE.
I really f'd up my M. I own that. I don't run from it, and I don't hide from it.
I also know that I am going to work a helluva a lot harder in that M if it is reconciled.
I also recognize that my W made mistakes. Her mistakes during the M? Minimal compared to me.
Her mistakes since she LEFT ME and MOVED OUT? Well, I guess that's a matter of perspective.
I struggle with this bc there is a huge part of me that believes like you do.
But that is NOT the only perspective that there is.
Many people believe that it is perfectly acceptable to date when you are separated.
Many people think that it is perfectly acceptable to 'move on' when you are emotionally divorced ... and that the legal paperwork means nothing.
OTOH... there are others who are religious and believe that once you marry, that is forever... that even a legal divorce does not end that commitment.
I royally f'd up in my M. I did not honor certain vows to love and cherish my W. Some might say (including my W) that I was unfaithful by coveting other women (porn/strip clubs).
My W gave me numerous chances to change. She was faithful, she loved me, she worked her a$$ off to get me to love her like I should have.
Finally, she was DONE.
She left me.
She moved out.
She began a new life... In a new home...
She had no intention of ever returning to me.
She was emotionally divorced from me.
Does all of this justify the fact that she entered into another romantic R?
I have NO F'ing clue! I'm not a god... I'm not ruler of the universe.
My choices going forward come down to a few simple questions:
1) Can I forgive myself for playing a huge role in all of this?
2) Can I forgive my W for the things that my pride and my ego struggle with?
3) Do I love my W?
4) Can I trust my W if she ever fully commits to me again?
5) Can I trust myself to be the change that I have worked so hard to attain here?
All of the rest? It really doesn't matter anymore. It is yesterday's news. I'm focused on tomorrow, and the next day... and the next...
Does this make me weak or a doormat? Nope. Not IMO. And no one here, if you knew me, would ever think of me as weak or a doormat. Never been my style.
Bottom line is that I'm going to take what I want from all of the advice, opinions and feedback that I get here... and I'm going to throw the rest away.
I'm going to make my own choices... And F those who don't like it or who disagree with it.
This isn't an attack on you at all SBH. I respect your opinion. I do. And, like I said, 7 months ago... well, I would have been the first one on board with you.
But having lived this has changed my perspective on A LOT of my former beliefs.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
