"D-Day" seems to be approaching fast

[toughlover]

I'm no expert, and am certainly not perfect, but I'm also not new to this.

I haven't engaged the marriage in a superficial way. She has. As I think I've mentioned many times in this thread...the only reason we stopped doing things together, stopped dating, stopped talking, is because she became unreceptive to it, avoided it, didn't want it. I really didn't disengage until April/May when she got serious about divorce. Like I said...most marriages can probably be saved, but not all will, and we all have to recognize when we're reached our limit. I think you guys are assuming my current attitude has existed for years, but that's not the case. Just really for a couple of months. All I am willing to do at this point is keep this marriage on life support while she finishes getting her ducks in a row so she can pull the plug. If she (and she probably won't) changes her mind and decides she wants to go back to MC, that she's not ready yet, then I would most likely give it a shot if she were serious in a way she has never been before. However, I don't like, respect, or want the person she has "become" (or reverted back to?). I'm not going to divorce her for the simple reason that I made a commitment, and yes the commitment was to do a great many things, not just keep the marriage on life support. But I've done those things; she has not. I gave her a safe place to land when she had royally screwed up. I protected her reputation and treated her with respect in front of our children even though she really didn't deserve it. I went to counseling and met the needs she told me she wanted me to meet. That IS loving and cherishing. But all I can control is myself. All I can do is create an environment where our marriage could grow and flourish if we both want it to, and I did that. Her actions, and words, demonstrate that she chooses otherwise, and I may wish things had turned out differently, but they haven't. Which is why I've disengaged (which I think is accurate). I don't really see it as being apathetic but I suppose one could look at it that way.

Remember, she didn't stay in the marriage last time because she liked how I changed; she stayed because she didn't want to be separated from her kids and risk her shameful behavior getting out (we live in a small town, etc.), and because she really didn't have anywhere to go. So she took advantage of the situation.

I didn't come back here to work on saving this marriage. I came back to these boards to read up on all the different situations, problems, and issues arising from their divorces, and to start dealing with the reality of our upcoming divorce and hopefully get solid feedback when the issues start cropping up for me and the kids as she pursues this.