Hang onto your hats everyone this is going to be a long one!!
A REAL RANT AND RAVE SESSION!!!
I could feel it building since friday and thought my good mood would help me avoid....there I go again...........avoidance.. the good feeling have help me avoid this ANGER I felt pent up inside.
Wasn't sure where it was coming from or how big it was but I knew it was there.....
I am on the other side of it now, so on this downslide, I am wondering why am I so comfortable with the anger?
Am I actually comfortable with his ignoring me!
I got so mad yesterday that he hadn't called me, I honestly felt like I could never talk to him again...and be okay with that...... I even fantasized what I was going to say to him and how mad I was going to act and then just cut off contact with him......
So let me review....
Thursday afternoon we filed for bankruptcy. All seemed good and positive as could be....... As we left the building we were talking as we drove to the condo, parked the car and I said I was going to go knock on some doors for a job, he would not be coming with me as his foot is bothering him. It is 1:30, he offered me money to get myself lunch....he wouldn't be joining me for that either. .....
I called him at about 5pm from home........ We had just ordinary conversation about the days events.... I said I would call him the next day after 5......
Friday: I called him at 5:30..... He is going to a DAV meeting tonight ...... He had not mentioned this to me all week...... He may not go, having headache,waiting for doc's call... He will call me "later" and let me know how it went.....
Saturday:
No call all day.
Now if he did call...he did not leave a message. And if he had called, any call after his, would have erased the record of his call....so as far as I know he did not call.....
This is highly unusual for him.......but not sure if he's playing games or truely busy?
Finally at 11:00 PM!!! the phone rings and it's him....
I did not answer......I am feeling very mad....
He does not leave a message.
He waited until 11:00 to call when it's too late to do anything!!
He just blew me off for the weekend.
Sunday 9AM:
I call him and get his voice mail...okay so MAYBE? he is asleep...doubtful...but none the less....
I tell him "I just woke up and there was a message from S23(lie) that he had called last night and had not left a message......I am going to the grocery store...then will watch George Stephanopolis...if you havn't called me back before then I will call YOU."
I feel this is all about balance of power.
Now he can be all mad that I didn't answer his call last night....implying that I went out somewhere without him.....and I can't ask him WHERE THE HELL he was without sounding like a shrew!
IF he did call yesterday.....he didn't make much of an effort....and if he didn't call then he did blow me off!... Now I am fine with not spending the time with him...what I don't like is being treated like I didn't matter ...that he can just ignore me.....
Go ahead and do what you have to do...but just don't think I'm gonna be there waiting for the very second that you call!!!
I know he is going to try and paint this like I WAS UNAVAILABLE!!!!Instead of the real issue which was he did not call ME. ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!
I was home all day cleaning and talking with the boys.....
I went to bed and watched the news and then sat. night live....
HE IS THE one who didn't call ME!!
Further more, now today I really can't plan on doing anything with him today because I have alot of things to get ready for tommorow....I have an interview and then have to take D21 back up to school ...So again this will be interpreted as I am not available for HIM!!!!
This is the first time since we started reconcilling that we haven't been together for some time on the weekend.
I really didn't mind having all the time for myself this weekend. I just would have liked a call to touch base...
I didn't call him last night because he hadn't called me...and I realize he might have felt the same way...he didn't nessessarily want to spend time together....but he would have appreciated a call during the day...
I just wanted HIM TO CALL ME...for a change....I called him wednesday, thursday and friday....and he blew me off on friday night....which by the way, I acted as thought that was absolutely okay with me...we even talked about what I was going to do that night....exercise and make myself some dinner....talk with my sisiter and then watch tv.......
Shark lady will be back in the picture this week....not too pleased about that...I am not thinking there is something going n there, just that she would like to get something started. insecure moment: The bankruptcy is filed now so if he is doing a 180 on me and is going to ignore me I WILL be PISSED!
I don't believe that at this point....but things could happen...
I got somewhat( strike that ----REALLY depressed) yesterday at the thought that this house is totally a waste for me now.....
No point in doing much of anything other than keeping the dust and dirt down....I could care less if anything is working or is fixed.......
We have agreed to let the bank take it because it just needs too many repairs in order to make it sellable. We had an asbestos issue some years back.. and had it all removed but would have to put that in any disclosure and it would most likely reduce the selling price. The interior doors all need replaced, the driveway is in bad shape, the roof is going to need replaced, the windows leak, the bathroom is really looking dated, the front screen door needs replaced and the whole interior needs painted. Between that and the taxes that need paid, which we can't pay, it would be better to let the bank take it and the equity that we do have would be taken by the bank in fees and fines anywways I'm sure.
I started thinking about what I want to store and what to keep(if anything) and what to just discard...ALOT!!
It surprised me how little I actually would want to keep....
and how litle is actually WORTH keeping....
How little I actually have after 28 years!
I am very uncertain as to how to "be" when I talk with him...IF I talk with him! He may avoid me now all day......like a little payback...this whole thing is seeming very childish to me....
I could just act like everthing is fine.....and his not calling me yesterday was a non issue.....
I could act hurt and slightly miffed that he didn't call.....makes me look pouty and needy....
I cannot act like I am soooo insulted that I demand an explanation.....total turn of...but this is how I really feel!
If I act like it was all okay...he will definitely think he can do this AGAIN...and that is NOT okay in my book.....
Well I think that's enough for now....not feeling any resolution....going to the grocery store...need coffee!!!
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