You're precious--did you know that? Does Dr. K. tell you this? If not, I'm going to...
Wow, your S23 sure is an intense thinker, isn't he? When I was 23, I could have used some of his ability to anticipate the possibility of consequences.
I'm sure you're a great mom and all he really needs to hear is that you love him and respect his decisions. That must be so hard...
He sounds smart... but then again, he has intelligent parents. Don't you go selling yourself short because you don't have your PhD in anything... because you graduated from motherhood Magna Cum Laude--not somewhat cum lousy!
I have to say that I really believe you're going to get positive results with your resolve to find positive. Woman, do you realize how funny, smart and attractive you are? I'm betting that the periodically alien Dr. K. does.
You are amazing!
So grab that chocolate and sneak a bite for me--cuz we ate all the cookies last night!!!
TTFN,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Thanks for the support ODGA The bankruptcy brought out every insecure thought I had in my head and the adreneline rushes woke me more nights in the last few weeks then I would care to admit!
Thanks for the brainstorm on the decision making too.....Excellent suggestion!
The more info he has, I figure the better, maybe easier the decision making will be????
He has the weekend....and then monday they want final SIGNED committments.
So true, if there were an obvious wrong, or lessor choice this would be easier now wouldn't it?!
Thanks for the pep talk...I really apprecaite it..
Dr. K is not exactly forthcoming with anything positive about me....???
I will always remember what you said about his lack of comments about my appearance...it made such a difference to me........ For the first time in 28 years I stopped wondering!!
Hope you're having a good saturday so far......
I am still tring to figure out HOW to get on Yahoo IM???
Oh, good.....Matt just woke up..... when he comes out of the fog...I'll ask him ( Reel him in!!)
Hang onto your hats everyone this is going to be a long one!!
A REAL RANT AND RAVE SESSION!!!
I could feel it building since friday and thought my good mood would help me avoid....there I go again...........avoidance.. the good feeling have help me avoid this ANGER I felt pent up inside.
Wasn't sure where it was coming from or how big it was but I knew it was there.....
I am on the other side of it now, so on this downslide, I am wondering why am I so comfortable with the anger?
Am I actually comfortable with his ignoring me!
I got so mad yesterday that he hadn't called me, I honestly felt like I could never talk to him again...and be okay with that...... I even fantasized what I was going to say to him and how mad I was going to act and then just cut off contact with him......
So let me review....
Thursday afternoon we filed for bankruptcy. All seemed good and positive as could be....... As we left the building we were talking as we drove to the condo, parked the car and I said I was going to go knock on some doors for a job, he would not be coming with me as his foot is bothering him. It is 1:30, he offered me money to get myself lunch....he wouldn't be joining me for that either. .....
I called him at about 5pm from home........ We had just ordinary conversation about the days events.... I said I would call him the next day after 5......
Friday: I called him at 5:30..... He is going to a DAV meeting tonight ...... He had not mentioned this to me all week...... He may not go, having headache,waiting for doc's call... He will call me "later" and let me know how it went.....
Saturday:
No call all day.
Now if he did call...he did not leave a message. And if he had called, any call after his, would have erased the record of his call....so as far as I know he did not call.....
This is highly unusual for him.......but not sure if he's playing games or truely busy?
Finally at 11:00 PM!!! the phone rings and it's him....
I did not answer......I am feeling very mad....
He does not leave a message.
He waited until 11:00 to call when it's too late to do anything!!
He just blew me off for the weekend.
Sunday 9AM:
I call him and get his voice mail...okay so MAYBE? he is asleep...doubtful...but none the less....
I tell him "I just woke up and there was a message from S23(lie) that he had called last night and had not left a message......I am going to the grocery store...then will watch George Stephanopolis...if you havn't called me back before then I will call YOU."
I feel this is all about balance of power.
Now he can be all mad that I didn't answer his call last night....implying that I went out somewhere without him.....and I can't ask him WHERE THE HELL he was without sounding like a shrew!
IF he did call yesterday.....he didn't make much of an effort....and if he didn't call then he did blow me off!... Now I am fine with not spending the time with him...what I don't like is being treated like I didn't matter ...that he can just ignore me.....
Go ahead and do what you have to do...but just don't think I'm gonna be there waiting for the very second that you call!!!
I know he is going to try and paint this like I WAS UNAVAILABLE!!!!Instead of the real issue which was he did not call ME. ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!
I was home all day cleaning and talking with the boys.....
I went to bed and watched the news and then sat. night live....
HE IS THE one who didn't call ME!!
Further more, now today I really can't plan on doing anything with him today because I have alot of things to get ready for tommorow....I have an interview and then have to take D21 back up to school ...So again this will be interpreted as I am not available for HIM!!!!
This is the first time since we started reconcilling that we haven't been together for some time on the weekend.
I really didn't mind having all the time for myself this weekend. I just would have liked a call to touch base...
I didn't call him last night because he hadn't called me...and I realize he might have felt the same way...he didn't nessessarily want to spend time together....but he would have appreciated a call during the day...
I just wanted HIM TO CALL ME...for a change....I called him wednesday, thursday and friday....and he blew me off on friday night....which by the way, I acted as thought that was absolutely okay with me...we even talked about what I was going to do that night....exercise and make myself some dinner....talk with my sisiter and then watch tv.......
Shark lady will be back in the picture this week....not too pleased about that...I am not thinking there is something going n there, just that she would like to get something started. insecure moment: The bankruptcy is filed now so if he is doing a 180 on me and is going to ignore me I WILL be PISSED!
I don't believe that at this point....but things could happen...
I got somewhat( strike that ----REALLY depressed) yesterday at the thought that this house is totally a waste for me now.....
No point in doing much of anything other than keeping the dust and dirt down....I could care less if anything is working or is fixed.......
We have agreed to let the bank take it because it just needs too many repairs in order to make it sellable. We had an asbestos issue some years back.. and had it all removed but would have to put that in any disclosure and it would most likely reduce the selling price. The interior doors all need replaced, the driveway is in bad shape, the roof is going to need replaced, the windows leak, the bathroom is really looking dated, the front screen door needs replaced and the whole interior needs painted. Between that and the taxes that need paid, which we can't pay, it would be better to let the bank take it and the equity that we do have would be taken by the bank in fees and fines anywways I'm sure.
I started thinking about what I want to store and what to keep(if anything) and what to just discard...ALOT!!
It surprised me how little I actually would want to keep....
and how litle is actually WORTH keeping....
How little I actually have after 28 years!
I am very uncertain as to how to "be" when I talk with him...IF I talk with him! He may avoid me now all day......like a little payback...this whole thing is seeming very childish to me....
I could just act like everthing is fine.....and his not calling me yesterday was a non issue.....
I could act hurt and slightly miffed that he didn't call.....makes me look pouty and needy....
I cannot act like I am soooo insulted that I demand an explanation.....total turn of...but this is how I really feel!
If I act like it was all okay...he will definitely think he can do this AGAIN...and that is NOT okay in my book.....
Well I think that's enough for now....not feeling any resolution....going to the grocery store...need coffee!!!
I'm sitting here with my coffee, so I'm not going anywhere at the moment. I do need to get dressed and out shopping for a locking DVD cabinet, because D6 is either breaking them (by stepping on them) or trying to dust them with furniture polish.
Gosh, I don't know what to say and where to begin? I read your post a few times to get my thoughts collected.
I hope you don't want to hit me for this, but could this be what you needed to get moving on the goals you have said you are going to work on? Um, without Dr. K?
Then Acorn's reply to you about expectations sort of came back full force. I know you've been setting a pattern with him to spend time, but I think it's been more spontaneous, rather than scheduled. And we both know what will happen when you guys move back in together. He's going to need some space and so are you.
Take a deep breath. Send shark lady over to see me Maybe I'll feed on another shark instead of fish this week (Hallo, Bruce).
My intuition is telling me (by re-reading your posts) that Dr. K. is feeling very overwhelmed by Thursday. Hey, I know you are too and your way of dealing with things is more productive and healthy to your relationships with your family.
So here's the nutshell. Go ahead and stay a little mad under your surface (I think this might serve you well--so you can feel free to schedule things for yourself). But when Dr. K. calls, DON'T PUSH THE CRAZYMAKER BUTTON! Act as if this weekend has been like any other...
And see if sort of catching him off guard doesn't bring him back a little closer to you.
I really and truly think it's time for you to get hopping on your personal goals, Trish. Things have worked fine so far, but in order for you to be happy without him, this is going to have to happen sometime.
And don't be surprised if he's just a little turned on by that notion.
Summary: 1) Resolve to working on your list of goals; 2) When Dr. K. calls, ACT AS if you've been fine with his lack of communication.
Advice from a crazymaker to someone who loves one.
Big hugs.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
This was exactly what I needed to get going with my goals.
I had been having this nagging feeling, like I had been giving a little too much attention to one particular area of my life and was out of balance with some other areas.
Maybe (actually no doubt about it) this was a little divine intervention getting me to move in the direction I needed to go.... I can be a stubborn person and wasn't moving and I even KNEW it!
I have been ignoring that little voice in my head telling me I have things a bit misaligned.
I just love your suggestion to send shark lady to you....you would have a feast!! She just looks like a "sharklady"!! Out for blood......and doesn't care who gets in the way.....
I think actually I was feeling more overwhelmed by the bankruptcy stuff then even he was and it was making me way too over sensitive.....
So staying a little mad is good for me?
I guess it will keep me detaching a bit and thus keep my focus on me and my goals instead of him......
I was very surprised at myself for how calm but comfortable with this weekend I was...almost like I wanted it to be this way so I could focus on ME!!
I enjoyed the time on friday and saturday...it felt like freedom....not to have to consider him!!!
By the time I was back from getting coffee...and just the realization that I was going to GET coffee made me feel better ...(I'm such a grouch when I don't)...I was feeling better.
I guess it just hit me as I walked in the door ...I really have no choice but to just accept it and be hopefull and maybe if I can just toss it off, It won't be such a big deal.......
What I think really happens is I get caught in this thing in my head that says he's not going to be happy with something( whatever I did or did not do or say) Then I start worrying about that.....Then I get worried I can't control what's going to happen...I start predicting bad things and then the feelings of dread come and I get overwhelmed and I get wrapped up in thinkng about that instead of what I need to be focusing on which is ME and being positive.......I fail to see that this is just a "reaction formation" which is a fancy way to say:
Making the thing you fear the most come about....
Comes from feelings of insecurity like I've screwed up and there's no return...... Very unrealistic.....
So what did I do???
I did exactly as you said...just acted as if this was like any other weekend......
I called him and left him a message, " I was hoping he was going to call me, but I guess he must have been busy...so call me when you can, I'm going to be here the next few hours before running out"....Let's him know I wanted to hear from him , but I did have other things to do and understood if he hadn't called me.....
He IS turned on by the idea of me doing my own thing.....I can see it plain as day....but he also wants me close...which is all nice....
He called about 1 on sunday and said he had called three times on saturday and I could tell he was a bit put off that I hadn't been around......HE had been in bed all day on saturday, with a migraine and now wanted to know what "we" should do today??..... I said how about church, dinner and a little TV tonight...I have to get ready for a big day on monday...and I would come down and get into bed with him.. He was still not feeling well when I got there so we skipped church and stayed in...had a good evening....lots of laughs and convo...WE COOKED TOGETHER!! OMG Then off I went this morning to my interview...and then to take Laural back....and Gabe came with us!...We had really good convo in the car those two together are a hoot, they get so into talking about things!
I had to make two more trips to the grocery store with her before goodbye, can you see who my little pissant is?? and then had a good trip home...
I Called Dr. K from town and said I was on my way through town and he said, "Come by, let's have dinner and talk about our day!++++
So Gabe dropped me off and Dr. K and I had dinner and watched the news, then I took the jeep back back out to the house...his idea+++.....I wasn't going to stay over again!...I HAVE THINGS TO DO!!! HAHA
My challenge is to listen to that little voice inside and focus on my goals more.......
BIG BIG HUGS!! to you BRUCE....you are too nice to be a Bruce!!
You sound so much better about things... I'm glad!
Don't stay TOO mad or it won't serve you well. Maybe just remember that if you're not on course with your own personal growth path, it becomes more of a burr under your saddle?
I think if you can build upon your own path, things are going to align themselves better. Want to know what I think holds real promise?
The fact that he called you 3x on Saturday and had the gall to be annoyed with you for not being around... the quickest way to get someone to schedule things is to make yourself unavailable. Not to the point of total exclusion (because you have to maintain some interest here), but to the point of "Gee, if I had known that you wanted to go to dinner, I would have rearranged things."
Put the onus back on him where it belongs, Trish. Then YOU feel more in control of your life, what you're doing and who you're doing it with.
So make sure you keep these two things in balance: you know he is attracted to you more when you're acting independent and self confident, but he also likes the stay home mom part of you too (because you're nurturing and coddling--things he loves about you).
Now you just need to put on your thinking cap to come up with a plan for your own career path.
I like your kids, Trish. Gabe sounds so mature, and Laural sounds fun. I guess every family needs a pissant. Mine found some white out last night and painted herself, the kitchen table and chairs, and then D9 (who slugged her).
I didn't find a locking cabinet, but I did find some baskets which I put on top of the entertainment center. She's not to happy about that.
Thanks for the suitcase reassurance. I'm thinking D9s aversion is more along the lines of having 2 homes. She's doggone sick and tired of going back and forth. But this isn't my choice, is it?
Take care and talk to you soon, Nemo.
Bruce (I am a nice shark)
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hi, Well not too much to report. Monday I left from condo to go to interview and job hunt all day....left from condo after dinner to go back out to house...took the jeep. I worked yesterday (tuesday) and had the jeep from the night before, when I was at the condo, so we had agreed I'd put it back on the street by the condo by 5 and take the bus back out to the house from town...
I found a spot for the jeep and called him to let him know all was well...it was there for him to take to his meeting at 7:30. He approved that I got a great spot ...I called him from the lobby of a warm building up the street, he was glad of that too said good choice!...then he asked if I was headed home? I said yes, unless he wants to ask me up for soup?
He suddenly sounded very tired and said he was in "the middle of things, and didn't really want to break " so I said, a little too cheerfully, "okay, you're busy, I'll just go."
Then he sounded a little perkier and said "Okay, I'll call you later."
Okay, call me later.
I should have said WHEN!...tonight,tommorow next century??...I HATE this vague open ended ness......it leaves it all up to whatever and I'm left wondering when is he going to call and we know from this past weekend that just leaving it up on the air leads to us not connecting and we both get frustrated?.....
As I walked out of the building I became very angry and had this feeling like he had just blown me off...and I let him??
I walked for six blocks in frigid, mind-gripping, cold with not enought on! Just so I could take the BUS back to the house......!!!! I never want to do this again.
I thought to myself, he had plenty of time before his meeting, we could have had soup and watched the news and shared our day........
I really got upset about this ...more at myself I think.... I FROZE my ass off and had to wait an extra hour because I had missed the earlier bus....so I didn't even get to the house until after 7.
Did I set myself up for this? Am I being too accomodating? Am I expecting too much? Is he not aware how cold it is?
Trying to be fair:
He was indoors all day and he rarely knows what the weather is like especially if he's busy, he doesn't pay attention!!....He did have a class to prepare for on wednesday night...along with a meeting with shark lady today that he had to be ready for...but I still think it was cold not to invite me up and we could share an hour or so....... I don't want to give him an out...but I do want to be reasonable I really want to find a way to communicate this to him...
He will call. Probably tommorow (Thursday evening) because tonight he has class so that shoots tonight, and tommorwo he can't reach me at work, so that leaves thursday night. Now this is important, WHY?
Because it leaves me hanging out of his life. I know that sounds needy but I don't mean it that way, it leaves us unconnected!! This is how we always get off track!!! Having to play catch up...because we don't live together!!
Forward motion:
I went to the job bank this morning.....found some good posting....will spend the afternoon answering them..
Sideways: My mother called...she wants to know when I am filing?
Next will be my father.....probably by tonight...
The divorce attorney called...I know he just wants an update on any activity between us.....I don't know if I should or should not tell him about the bankruptcy yet....it won't make much difference. There is no equity left in the house.....
Stuck in the middle:
Dr. K said something monday that is now driving me up a wall.. I've been trying to "thought stop"....trying to stop stinkin thinkin.....
I can't predict the future but it sent me around the bend last night...and I barely slept thinking about it..
On monday while we were having spagetti...he showed me an e-mail that he had gotten from Faye, a teaching colleague at his last postition.
Faye is a great character....and I love her even though I have never met her in person.
Dr. K had applied to a school in VA...it's the no.#1 on his list of choices. Faye was kind enough to put Dr. K in touch with a colleague of hers that works there in the same dept. that Dr. K would be in......so this guy e-m'd Dr. K back telling him all about himself and how he lives in the university area Monday thru thursday and then commutes to Richmond ( where his wife and two school age D's live ) friday thru monday.
Well, Dr. K e-m's him back and says how sorta alike our sitch is....ie: wife lives on other side of town..he is in condo because of it's convenience, only we only have one child left at home( slight exager) blah, blah, blah.....
During dinner Dr. K says to me, "what did you think of their sitch?"...I said "well,they probably do that because the schools are better in Richmond." He nods in agreement. Then he asks me again as we are going out the door...What do you think of that?...Now my radar is up , but I'm too slow on the uptake. Whenever he asks me things more than once like that he's after something, rather he's trying to say something but NOT.
I said, with a smile "what's up? this is the third time you've asked me about this."
(I really didn't get what he was trying to get to at that point)
"well, you didn't answer me when I asked you" ,he says.( lame and he knew it)
I said, "yes, I did. I said it was probably because of the kids....it must be hard on them...of course we're not in that position....having to consider the kids, that is.....how far away is Richmond from the school?"
"About three-four hours.", he says. (lie, lie, lie)
Now it took me the better part of yesterday before it dawned on me late last night what he was getting at........
I think he was saying something like let's keep you here in pittsburgh and I'll go to VA and I'll commute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I could just see him trying to make a case for that! It's about 5-6 hours from here to there......and he would say 4!
I checked.From Richmond to the school is only 1 1/2 hours, so he is exaggerating this guys commute. 1 1/2 is not 6 hours!....And we have no reason to commute like that... I am looking forward to finally being together for a change!! and can you imagine how quick that kind of commute would loose it's appeal!
Now I was pretty upset at first til I realized, nothing has been decided yet. he may not even end up there. He has not said he wanted to do that. In fact when I said do you want to do that?? he said no, he just wondered what I thought of it,..but I can't help but think moving in together has him nervous.
I read through someone's post last night about how in MLC it seems like he's going back into replay....about going over the options again before closing the door on the idea. So I felt a little better....
He may be fantasizing how this apart time has been helpful for us but if he is, he's forgetting the horrible stuff it's done to us.....
I wanted to remind him how awfull it's been but I didn't get where he was coming from in time to answer with any competence.....
I did not get married to live apart. We have been having this arrangement for 8 years and maybe he's afraid how we will manage when we are together.
I think I need to remind him I will be working and taking classes and how we won't really be under foot of each other. Also we could get busy with making a home for ourselves, like we've always talked about.
Guess I just needed to vent some insecurities....
Got to get to those job listings!!! feeling good about that!!
......
Maybe I'll feed on another shark instead of fish this week (Hallo, Bruce).
...more at myself I think....