WAW for 6+ years -- Need Help

[SolutionOriented]

Hi, I was directed to this site by my MC. I have also had the book since 29 April and am currently making my way through the chapters. My story is below. I am seeking to not only share and listen, but to provide inspiration for others out there working hard to save their marrige. Although in this position for 6+ years, I have only beeen DBing since 29 April. Unfortunately, I learned on 29 April that I have been doing all the wrong things these past few years and have only truly started to save my marriage and GAL in the process just recently.

-baby of the family; 3 siblings; I was a spoiled child.
-first marriage lasted 5 years; 6 till divorce was final.
-met and married wife 21 years ago; married 20+ years ago
-I had a temper (no physical abuse); just would blow up at different things; wife accepted and tried to help
-in Oct 02 deployed; returned following year
-started having ‘more noticeable’ problems in 04
-co-worker (OM) was coming over to help us with our computer at our home and offering to work on it during his off hours at his home
-I noticed ‘something in spring/summer 04’ about her interest with him when he came over to house; came over about 3-4 times
-during 04 she asked me to seek counseling; I refused saying I didn’t need it or didn’t want to hurt my career
-she became really depressed around Aug timeframe and it grew very increasingly worse from there
-by Nov 04 she didn’t even want to participate with family for Thanksgiving; she ‘made’ herself get out of bed
-on Dec 31, we went to a party; she literally ‘hovered’ around OM from work the entire night
-when we got home later that night, we went to have sex and she was not responding physically – at that time she told me she was going to tell OM the next day that she loved him.
-So, from Dec 31, 04 (and before then) to now we have been in this EA.
-in Aug 08, she started working at my place of work; they continued to see each other and I continued to let it happen.
-in Nov 09, I gave her an ultimatum. She presented it to him thinking he would leave his wife and he didn’t.
-they still continued to see each other until June 2010, but they still talk on the phone at work. OM wife states that my wife is calling OM, but they are both calling each other.
-on 20 april 11, my wife went to see my SIL. I asked wife to think about us and where she wants to go in our marriage. Wife returned and told me she liked the ‘space’ and not having to worry about me being around her all the time (ouch). We ride to and from work and then we’re home together. There’s no time for her to get the ‘space’ she states she needs. I told her that she said that before and it didn’t work. She can have ‘space,’ but not space to come and go to cheat on me.
-we looked at her moving out earlier this week, but the friend she was going to move in with couldn’t accommodate her. He is divorced and I don’t believe he wants anymore drama in his life at this time.
-so, wife stated she will ‘co-exist’ with me and try to figure out what she wants to do. Leave me and go be with him or not.
HOWEVER, she clearly told me a couple of months ago that if he called and said come to me that she would drop everything she’s doing and go to him. She also stopped having sex with me at the beginning of this year (the one thing she stated she really enjoyed). She stated that she felt like she was cheating on him. She thinks about him all the time and what he’s doing and where he’s at. OM has drama in his life; wife had a PA and adult daughter is having problems. My wife states she loves him and she is not going to a therapist to hear about how she should stop trying to see him or stop talking to him because she tried that in the past and she was horribly miserable. She will not do that again. She stated that OM doesn’t want to hurt our son by asking her to be with him and that his wife is threatening to ruin him if he leaves her and he doesn’t won’t to lose everything he’s worked for.
She did admit that he hurts her, too. She did admit that, logically, her head tells her she should be with me, BUT she has always followed her heart her entire life and she will continue to do that. No therapist is going to convince her differently. She does appreciate that I love her and that I have stayed with her through all of this. She does know that I am now the man she always wanted me to be. But that doesn’t take away the fact that he was there for her when she was ‘dead’ inside and she will always be there for him.. . . and would go live with him if he asked her too.
She doesn’t want to keep hurting me and for me to know she’s not an evil person; however, she doesn’t regret being in love with him. She begged and begged for me to see someone to get help and then she started dying slowly inside.

By the time she decided to be with him she considered our marriage over and done with and that I didn’t love her anymore by the way I acted and by not seeking help.

That's me for now. I will post up-to-date stuff soon. In all things give thanks to the Lord, I thank you Lord.

[SolutionOriented]

Not sure if I'm posting correctly or not, but thought I would provide an update to get myself and others (if you're out there reading this) updated. Last long post, but I wanted whoever reads this to have as much of a complete story as possible. Thanks.

1 June: Wife called this afternoon wanting to know how much money to get out for her and son to eat tonight as I have class. I started going back to school to finish my Bachelors Degree in January 2011. Just to try to give me some sanity back in my life. Anyway, she asked me if I needed any. Then told me to have a great time at school and that she would be going home and going to bed. She was tired and needed some sleep. She said I love you and I did not.
School was great. Went to gym afterward (something else I’ve started so I can GAL as this website states). Wife sleepily said hi when I got home from school. Then, as I was undressing to take a shower she asked if I could get her a glass of tea. I told her okay. She then proceeded to say that she was hungry which in previous times meant that I would go downstairs and fix her something to eat …….even to the point of making her a couple of hot dogs on the grill at 11:00 or 11:30 at night. Before I would just do this no matter how late it was. Well, last night I told her that I wasn’t going to fix her anything, but I would get her the glass of tea.
When I came out of the shower, she was eating Panda Express leftovers from supper. I just find that to be funny because I stood up for myself and told her no. For the past six plus years, I have been bending over backwards since I changed my anger problem. I have discovered a lot about myself, but until recently still did everything she wanted her way.
Anywat, she then stayed up while I went to sleep. She’s like you’re going to sleep and I said yep. She knows what she is doing is wrong, but I believe she is adamant on figuring this out her way and to me that means if he leaves his wife she is leaving me no matter what she says. I will fight for my marriage due to my son and not wanting him to grow up the rest of his life worrying about who to see on what holiday and birthday, vacations, etc.
2 June: My wife got up this morning as if everything was great. On the ride into work she asked why I was so quite (probably due to me being talkative on our recent drives to and from work). I just realized that I don’t have to talk anymore. I don’t have to cater to her anymore.
Wife was trying to ask a question about our finances and kept repeating, under her breath but where I could hear it, “You wouldn’t deliberately financially hurt me would you?” and “What are you doing with our money.....I mean, I know you’re...I need to ask you. . .oh well......”
Small talk sporadically while we drove to work. Wife asked if I got in late last night. I told her no. I was probably 30 minutes later than normal because I went to the gym but I didn’t tell her. Wife said have a nice day after I told her to have a nice morning. Wife said I love you and I didn’t.
Wife called within 10 minutes of being at work to ask how we got to work so early. She was ‘amazed’ and thought it was funny. I was monotone in my reply and not ‘excited’ but just told her I don’t know that it must have been because of there being no traffic. Wife said I love you and I didn’t.
My tone right now with her is not good so I really need to decide which way I’m going and move in that direction. I’m just not sure yet. I really want to try the divorce busting technique, but I feel it’s a lost cause now because she’s so hell bent on following her heart and it belongs to OM. Will have to see how next 3 days off go (yeah, Fri, Sat, Sun off). Son is so wonderful. He is awesome!
Lord, please give me peace today and provide me with your direction for my life. I pray for your guidance for my wife and for me. Please continue to restore our marriage and make it whole again with love, intimacy, passion, trust, and respect. I ask all these things in your name and for your will to be done. In all things, I thank you Lord. Amen.
Wife called at 1155 and asked what I was doing. I told her working. She then asked what I was doing for lunch. I told her I had already eaten something here. I then asked her if she worked out today and she stated, “no” that her boss had left early today to go to her youngest daughters ‘graduation.’ Some awkward silence and then she said okay, bye. I told her bye and then hung up.
1414: I just finished underlining parts of Carol and Deans story in Divorce Remedy book. I probably did a bad thing in that I laid out the months that it took them to get their marriage back on track with the dates that I have actually been working on DBing my marriage. So, I am moving into weeks 5 to 8 timeline, but will be moving to the 3-6 months category on 24 June. Hard to hear wife state that I am the man she always wanted in the marriage, but when it comes to intimacy, she sees OM instead of me. Ouch! Looking for the brighter side of continuing to strengthen me and work on me. Go Me!
Ride home goes well, but she does ask about money situation again and that I would never hurt her deliberately. I get upset with her and just tell that I’m ticked that she would even ask a question like that and she should know better. Conversation on that topic ends and we talk the rest of the way home with no problem.
3 June: Today, was a bit depressing (on her end) as she was depressed with headache, missing OM, etc. It’s the same story over and over at times. She ends up staying in bed most of the day. I, on the other hand, stayed busy doing things around the house and outside in the yard. I had a productive day, thank you God. I worked on homework Thursday night.
4 June: A little bit better day but more of the same from her. I continued to stay busy. Have really noticed that wife has stopped telling me she loves me now. She was telling me before and now that I have stopped, it seems that she has stopped as well. That hurts a lot not having her tell me she loves me, but what should I expect from someone that doesn’t even think about me intimately. I just need to move on. Did more homework today.
5 June: I got up and went to church, wife fixed breakfast again as she did on Saturday morning. It was nice and I thanked her for it. Still no “I love you” when I leave. Wife still in bed when I return from church. She gets up at 1245 to get ready to go to an Open House at son’s girlfriends house.
We needed to buy a gift for girlfriend so we went to NEX on base and wife was a bit stand offish but I didn’t let it bother me. She didn’t even stay with me and my son when we went to purchase a card and gift bag she helped pick out. She stood 40 feet away and then went outside before we even finished purchasing the gift, but she did walk to the car with us.
She was better at the party and as we drove home from the party (son was left behind), she stated that she wasn’t doing well. She hurts physically, emotionally, and she has a bad allergy headache (i.e., same ole…I don’t feel well and I miss him and can’t change how I feel, blah, blah, blah). I listened but did not respond to her remarks. A couple of minutes later she states that she sees what I’ve been doing and she appreciates it. Again, I just listen and don’t respond. Yes, it was nice to hear but what does it all mean.....really! It’s hard but I do want to save my marriage so I just ‘suck it up’ and keep going. At least this time I’m DBing and not resorting back to how I was before, but have I waited too late. OM is now seeing an attorney to see how much money he will lose if he divorces his wife. He doesn’t want to lose everything he’s worked so hard for. Boo Hoo. I wish I had just went over and beat the crap out of this guy at the beginning, but I was told that wouldn’t solve anything. Really??!! Maybe it would have!
So, I’m lying in bed and she ends up going to be bed with just her nightshirt on. How do I know this, well, having no bra on is par for the course. However, she’s laying by me and sleeping with the nightshirt raised up to her waist and she’s bottomless. She’s so beautiful and I am so ….well, you get the picture. I don’t even touch her, though, as I just remember that I’m not the one she wants…how sad is that!
She awakens later on but still sleeps bottomless. Okay, like that’s fair....what is she thinking?? Definitely driving me crazy. Sex was the one thing we did and liked really well. She always stated and still states that she was very satisfied in that department, but now since February of this year...no sex. Can’t be intimate with me while wanting him. Intimacy is so much more then sex (I’ve learned that, too), but she has now stopped the sex as well. The last thing to go in the intimacy department.
6 June: I get up and get ready for work and she finally gets up and gets ready. She has a couple of bandages on her feet from blisters she got last week. SO, again, lying on her back naked she wants me to change out the bandages because they, of course, got wet while she was taking a shower. I of course, do that, but also make the comment that it wasn’t fair lying their naked because she knows how much I want her. No comment from her and stupid mistake by me for even saying that. When will I learn. Anyway, I finish with the bandaids and go downstairs.
She mentioned the cat litter needing to be scooped and then later, downstairs, some grease needing to be thrown in the trash. I ‘let’ her scoop the cat litter and collect the grease as I figure she needs to do somethings herself and I need to stop doing everything. I am trying to do less and have her do more. It’s hard, but rewarding I suppose.
On the way to work this morning, we joke and talk until she has yet another sinus headache. I then ask her if she’s called her mom and she states no and decides to call her after a minute of thinking about it. Conversation with mom continues and she gets out the car to go to work and says goodbye. No I love you though.
Wife calls about 1100 and wants to make sure I talk to son about one of his friends not truly being a friend. That’s it, goodbye. I don’t know why I’m feeling a little depressed as I know that God will take care of this and I just have to trust Him and step out in faith. Go God!
On the way home, we are discussing insurance again and my taking it easy as I get back to the shape I was in when I deployed with the Team. We were just joking around, but she makes a comment about not feeling well or something and I immediately think depression and her thinking of him intimately. It upsets me and I said that she just needs to f&*ing make up her mind. Bad enough I cursed, but to let her get to me was wrong. Here’s the kicker, though, she then stated that what she was saying had nothing to do with her needing to make up her mind or being depressed about him. She wasn’t even thinking about any of that. Guess who felt 2 inches tall after that. Here’s another kicker, though, we moved on from there and still had a good conversation the rest of the way home. It’s like I said what I felt and she didn’t like it, but we moved on from there and it didn’t ‘kill’ the conversation.
We ate, watched TV, and then went to bed and I told her sweet dreams and she repeated that to me. Her sister wants her to come visit for the weekend, but she doesn’t really want to go. It’s a long drive and wife is tired and wants to sleep more over the weekend. It used to be if wife and I were apart she didn’t like it because we were apart. I miss having my soulmate.
7 June: We wake up acting as if we are truly married. Enjoying each other’s company and being sleepy. She slept in only her nightshirt again last night. She hasn’t done that in a very, very, very long time. Not sure why the ‘display’ lately. She is also sleeping closer to me initially when she goes to sleep. It just doesn’t make sense to me how we can get along so well, but she definitely doesn’t tell me she loves me. That has stopped altogether since I stopped saying it to her. She does seem to be smiling more ‘at me’ and I’m not sure how to take that. The reason I don’t trust this ‘eyeballing’ of me is because she is still all about ‘following her heart’ and the OM has that. I tell her bye and she says bye and have a good day. I then tap her on the back as she gets out and tell her she looks good today. She says thank you and gets out. Why do we seem on the outside to be so ‘together’ but we’re not??? It is amazing how we agree on everything (even money), but don’t see eye to eye on the OM issue and that’s what’s truly keeping us apart. In all things give thanks to God...I thank you God.

M: 47
W: 45
T: 21 years
M: 20 years
D: 25 (prior marriage)
D: 23 (prior marriage)
S: 17
EA: 31 Dec 2004
ILUBINILWY: 31 Dec 2004

[SolutionOriented]

8 June: Yesterday was interesting as wife did not call all day until 4:10 pm. We talked for a couple of minutes and she said good-bye at the end. I wonder what she means when she says I love you. Since she obviously feels intimate with OM rather then me, I don't believe her when she says she loves or is it that she's confused right now?

Today is a nice day as well. Wife and I talked on the way to work and had a good time. This has been the third week in a row where we've talked to and from work instead of her playing a word game while we carpool to/from work. She also bought some food to make a couple of different dinner meals. She hasn't done that in months. Some signs point to a better R between us, but I'm in now way believing anything that I see because I've been fooled before.

[SolutionOriented]

Wife's mother not doing well. She was just told that she will need surgery to repair a heart valve. Wife tends to get closer to me during times like this. I am trying to be there for her, but keep my distance as well as that has been working for me since I've started DBing (5 weeks ago). It will be a balancing act, but I will def be there for her when she needs me.

God has His plans for us all.

[greenblue90]

I'm not the best DBer on here so take what I say with a grain of salt.

At one point you will find that you need to figure out what you are willing to live with. She insists in living in a sham marriage, in which she doesn't even have to pretend to love you. They way things are going she will not have any incentive to change for you. (I learned this from personal experience).

I imagine every time she tells you that she loves OM over you it's like a dagger to the heart. I know from personal experience to be treated like a chump in your own home. As for her being good to you, it's all avoidance. Mine does it too.

She is currently in a very heavy fog, since she can't even see how this "so called" wonderful OM, sees their future as a financial transaction.

Lose too much money from the D?!!!! I thought they were in love. That doesn't sound like Mr Perfect if you ask me.

So my advice is to DB and GAL, become a better man. Once you become a catch she'd be a fool to lose, go ahead and let her know how the current sitch is unacceptable, and that you are willing to let her go on her own. The way things are going you are enabling both her and OM to keep their relationship going. So yes I am saying to let her know that a D is imminent if things don't change.

Now all that being said how you go about it is of utmost importance. You want this decision for her to be SO HARD that she picks you. Not so easy that she runs to OM, here's my advice.

1. Keep improving yourself, make her think she'll regret losing the "new you" she's always wanted.

2. Find the appropriate time sit her down and start the conversation.

3. Tell her that you love her, and that you don't want to lose her.

4. Tell her that Despite you loving her, she has decided that she cannot love you back.

5. Tell her this really hurts you, and how it has pretty much destroyed you.

6. Tell her it's not fair for you to continue living like this.

7. Let her know that you know that she is unhappy with you, and deserves a chance to go make her life, and follow her heart.

8. Let her know that it is her decision whether she stays or goes, but that you do not see either of you being happy with the way things are.

9. Remind her that you only want her happiness.

Ok all that being said, delivery is key here. There can be no anger, or no clinginess on your part. Just let her know that the you know the situation is bad for the both of you, and that you want both of you to be happy. There's also a chance that she will just flip out, don't fall for that trick. Just take a breath, relax, and calmly keep going. If she walks out, let her go, re-engage within a day or two.

I read your thread and I know that you are scared of her walking out. I understand it took me 3 threads before I got the strength, and even then I gave a whole lot of concessions, that others think I'm a fool for having given. On the other hand it sounds like she is over a lot of the initial anger and stubborness common with the initial drop of the bomb. So it might be time.

Remember the key here is to stack the odds in your favor, so be good man, and take advantage of the fact that OM is not fully committing.

Don't tell her this but she needs to think:

"Wow he'll divorce me for my happiness, and OM won't even divorce his W for his and my happiness...I think my H is a better man."

Finally I read a part about you doing a lot of favors for her, on top of that she seems to be walking all over you. I recommend a book called No More Mr Nice Guy. It is very eye opening. I recommend it, because it helped me and I am in a similar sitch.

[25yearsmlc]

I respectfully disagree in part with GB and agree in part


she has to fear losing you and clearly, she doesn't.

She does NOT need to hear you say you love her. Not saying it is the first thing you've done that says you might be changing...so good for you.

She's shopping around for a good financial deal and that's why she's muttering about you not hurting her on purpose...


She is making plans. What's yours?


She's had this affair for nearly 7 years, is that correct? That has to be a record, which is saying a lot. And now she won't sleep with you, (surprised you wanted to) b/c she feels it's cheating on her married OM?



You need to do some serious 180s as soon as possible. Read the books, and do what they say.


WHAT YOU ARE DOING HAS NOT WORKED...DBing is about doing what works and NOT doing what does NOT work.


Simple but radical. Has nothing to do with your childhood (though the way you have hung on after all this in your face disrespect might be) and the old issues from 20 years ago can be addressed ELSEWHERE...

here, we focus on what WE can do ourselves. You have waited and waited and it has not worked.

No more waiting. Only GAL and 180s from you. Do NOT tell her you miss or want her.
She's not a moron. She's an adult woman.


YOU HAVE TO CHANGE YOU...it's the only thing YOU can do.

Embrace that reality. It is what it is. See it as empowering, b/c it is.

Here's a list of SANDI'S LIST OF RULES FOR DBing....(GB you might want to print this out) and go by this....seriously, it's the most condensed "do's and don't" list available.


I broke it out of the quotes, so you don't have to scroll it. I recommend copy and paste on Word and print it out. Carry it in your pocket if you have too.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[~¤DG¤~]

I found myself getting angry reading your posts because IMO it seems as though she is taunting you. Going to bed in just a night shirt and pulling it up so you can see she isn't wearing underwear? That's just B.S.

I can't imagine how much it hurts to hear your W say she loves you, but will leave you if OM leaves his wife and wants her. That isn't love and she's fooling herself if she thinks it's going to end with the 2 of them riding off into the sunset.

Keep GAL for yourself and work on you. Honestly she is a fool from walking away from you.

[25yearsmlc]

from where I sit,


it's like abuse from a w to a h. I know she's not violent but other than not hitting you over the head with a bat,


it's pretty abusive. Even the "I love yous" are juxtaposed with actions so contrary to that, she's doing the absolute minimum to keep you from moving on til she's ready...


and she is getting ready



it's like the movie Gaslight where the h tries to make the w insane by denying real things...

[SolutionOriented]

Thank you all for reading my posts. Its been quite an eye opener having others "look into" my life from real glasses and not my old rose-colored ones. All of you make good points. Wow, it seems like I've been breaking most of the DBing rules for the last 6+ years. As I stated earlier, I started seeing my MC on 29 April of this year and she recommended the DB book and this site. You have all been a blessing to me with your comments and letting me know that I'm now on the right track. Comparing these last six weeks to the last six years is like comparing apples to oranges or night and day. I have 'grown' these last 6 weeks and, as I told my MC today, I am starting to get a little of my 'swagger' back. I used to be in great shape and enjoy life and I just let this suck the air right out of me. I am getting stronger GreenBlue, but I do want to try the DBing method as well. I have started working out again and going back to college plus I've been doing my own thing in the yard and around the house on weekends. I want to be able to tell myself that I, indeed, did the right things to save my marriage and, if it doesn't work out, I can keep my head held high and move on. I'm not saying it won't hurt like heck if she were to leave, but at least I'll know I truly did do my best. I will definitely keep on keeping on with GAL and gettting stronger. Thank you for you comments as well DGurl and 25yearsMIC. Ya'll have a great weekend! I'm hoping for some sun in SoCal this weekend.

[SolutionOriented]

Good afternoon. With work and just being busy, the weekend came and went. I continued to try to be apart from W, but we ended up spending a lot of time together. Not a bad thing, mind you. We went shopping and watched movies at home. W even went to church with me and son. Her first time in 3 or 4 weeks. I am doing the 180's mentioned in your e-mail 25yrsmic. It is hard to imagine being in this for 6+ years, but as I stated before I do feel like with DB, MC, and this blog that at least I have a chance to get my life back and also a real chance to save my M. I am starting week 7 not that it matters b/c I don't have a 'timeline' at the moment. MC told me Friday that I'll know when I've reached my bottomline if it gets to that point, but for now as long as I'm okay with to keep DB'ing since I wasn't doing this before. Sunday was a beautiful day in SOCAL and church was awesome as always. One of my new mantra's is "I can handle it."

In all things give thanks to the Lord, I thank you Lord.