Well so far everyone's advice has been pretty bang on.  You all have been warning me to be prepared for tough days... And today came along.  I can't say that it has been a tough day for me because of anything my wife has or hasnt done or said though, it seems I am my own worst enemy.  I was looking forward to a good workout this morning so that I could ride the endorphins, but it never came(the endorphins).  I have been in a funk at work all day.  I think I know why... Last night I lost my kool with the kids in front of my wife.  Every night it's the same thing at bedtime... They drag out the time when I tell them it's their bedtime, it's really frustrating.   I raised my voice with them and I noticed that it caused my wife to get frustrated and raise her voice too.  I realized how our moods can affect each other.  I had trouble sleeping last night due to my outburst.  I think because I am disappointed in myself for losing it.  I don't know why but frustration triggers my anger... I think it's has something to do with all the bullying I took as a kid.  I was always picked on by the other kids due to my poor vision.  I guess that baggage hangs with you for a long time.  It's been really tough to keep that emotion in check.  I had a good suggestion from a peer at work today on a different way to handle the kids misbehaviors, and that is to use a points reward system to encourage good behavior.  I will present the idea to my wife later tonight or tomorrow after I have made a clear list of dos and donts behaviors and possible rewards.  (thanks Michelle... If it docent work try something different). 

My wife emailed me today at work to tell me that she was going out with the girls again tomorrow night.  While I am trying to not let that bother me, I can't deny the fact that it does.  I am starting to find myself questioning as to wether she is truly going out with the girls or something else.  I have always had complete faith in her and never believed that she would cheat on me, but my insecurity now makes me question that.  I know from reading the 5  love languages that my LL are (in order of strength)  Physical Touch , Words of Affirmation and Quality Time.  I suppose that is why even the thought of her betraying me is unbearable.    I don't know what to do to get these thoughts out of my headspace.  I keep telling myself that her need to go out is because she was married and pregnant at the age of 23, and that she is now in a midlife crisis of sorts realizing that she missed those carefree years.  Being 10 years older than her, I had the benefit of those years and have no desire to go back to them... Been there done that.  

Should I encourage her to go out? should I say nothing?   Or should I just say "have a good time" and pretend to be happy for her?   Sometimes I get the feeling that she is testing me on this... Could that be possible? Or am I just jealous that her friends are taking away my quality time with my best friend?

I also have been questioning myself today as to whether the plan is working or, if I am just choosing to believe it is.  Are her seemingly good moods because of my actions or are they because she thinks that I have accepted her decision to split and that is easier for her to not feel as guilty...

I also have been wondering why she hasn't told her family what is happening yet?  Is it because she is afraid of what they will tell her?  Or is it because she is not sure of her decision?  Or is it because it was her way of making a last ditch effort to make me see her points and work harder to change my ways.  All these questions have been tormenting me today...  

Am I torturing myself because I am so tired from my lack of sleep last night... God I hope I can get some sleep tonight...

Thoughts anyone?


Me 45 W 34 W.A.W.
3K. D11 S9 D6
M 12 y T 13 y
Bomb drop 02/22/2011
2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011
Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011