ooohweee what'sup wit that

[LITB]

That is one hell of a post 2step. I have been following your sitch for quite sometime. Your XW did not seem to be done with your R. I'm sorry you find yourself feeling the same way that you did in December.

I know you find the happiness you deserve. Cheers to your happiness my friend.

[FaithnAK]

2Step,

Beautiful and heartfelt post.

I "think" I've posted to you a few times before in hit and runs.

Your mind works like mine. I see me in you (I'm in awe at this post). It's 11pm here and I have to get up early. I just want you to know, you have motivated me to read your entire sitch. Might take a few days, but I will read it.

In addition, there is so much you posted that I want to address. I'll respond to this tomorrow or Friday.

Brother, I feel your words, but you are strong and smart. You'll be okay. Try not to focus on negativity too much, your life is too short.

[25yearsmlc]

2step

what a beautiful, terrifying post... Sorry you lived it.


More later...

[2stepboogie]

I'm sorry you find yourself feeling the same way that you did in December.

LITB: I am assuming you are stating this because of this

That was in December, prob when I was the most desperate. Guess how I feel now?!

What I meant by that is that Dec and Jan were perhaps the darkest months of my life. I was in a bad way. For the first time in 9 years I hung 3 stockings and not 4. I opened presents with my D alone. Christmas was not the day I remembered. It was a day of intense sadness.

By Jan I was dead inside. I was home alone with my D it snowed once a week causing school to close and us to find things to do in the house. I had no time to mourn no time to be sad. So I was mostly angry. I looked at my phone 1000 times a day wishing wanting waiting for a phone call.

I cried almost every night I did a lot journaling, a lot.

I was desperate for a kind word from her, anything that looked like hope I held so tightly if it was a person I would have killed it. And she gave me plenty to hold on to.

My home became my prison. It was dark, cold and lonely.

I prayed to GOD prayed for peace prayed for mercy prayed for my D.

I slept thanks to nyquil and even then at the most 2-3 hours a night.

I was dead inside.

A walking zombie.

My D saw my condition, no matter how hard I tried to hide it, she saw.

Why do I tell you this?

Because if she would have come clean then I would have been done. If she would have told me about OM then, physical or not, I would have walked away.

Even then when a phone call or text sent me to shivers and tears I would not have compromised myself for the sake of the M.

So I made the above comment to highlight that if in my darkest hour I would not have done so, now I would do so even less. I speak as if I even had a choice. Kind of funny.

2step, I'm going to save what you wrote here. Brilliant. Just brilliant how you've expressed yourself and the same thoughts /feelings /doubts I've been having myself.

The fear we all have. Some recover easily or at least more easily than others. Some recover to quickly only to make the same mistakes again. I will take years to trust again. TBH I don't know if I will. Logic dictates that someday I will, but logic is logic and feelings are feelings. The fear runs deeper than being alone deeper than being left. It is the fear in not believing. The fear of not trusting. Thank you for the kind words.

I just want you to know, you have motivated me to read your entire sitch.

Wow man I don't know what to say. I appreciate it. There is so much there I give you credit for even wanting to.

I promised myself I would journal more tonight. Perhaps I will.........

[MichelleLT]

1. How easily we are replaced

You are not so easy to replace as all that. None of us are. The WAS convinces themselves of this, but they always realize later they were wrong. I have seen it happen time and again both in real life and on these boards. It takes time, sometimes two or three years, but they always regret walking away.

Was that the actions of a woman that was done and moving on?

Nope. That was the actions of someone who was keeping their options open. Who didn't know for sure what was going to happen. Who wasn't always sure what she wanted to happen.


We are all scarred by our experiences here. But we have those scars whether we get D or stay M.

When you open yourself up, you always risk being hurt. But if you don't open yourself up, you can't succeed in building a forever relationship. There is no gain without risk. It's not wrong or right, it just is.

[Denver_2010]

I have made many mistakes in my M, many, but as I sit and reflect on the last ten years I also did a lot of good. I was a good H and although I fell short sometimes I always put my W and D first. ALways.

Yes you did friend.

Look, we hate why we are here man, but it if it wasn't for our sit, we also wouldn't better ourselves.

Don't let the coulda shoulda $hit bring you down EVER. Life is a learning experience. You can't grow better without failing. Remember that.

It's how you take your future, with the life you lived that makes us better. Get that please! Life is one shot, you can be a prick or you can be the best ever....it's all your choice. Life is your choice. You can stand up, get even, wallow, or wait....your choice. What does 2step want?

Everyday should be what 2step feels better about.

And it is my future I think about AK. I think about a lot of things. Where does my fear sit? It is in knowing that someone can think the world of you, can look into your eyes and tell you how much you mean and make you feel like you are the only person in the world………….until you are not.

It is in having absolute trust in another……….until it is shattered.

It is in feeling secure in knowing that person has your back and they are the one constant in your life………..until they stop.

In my next R a person will fall in love with me. They will feel secure and they will feel in love.
Will I?

Or

Will I always question? Wonder? Speculate? Will I know that those feelings are temporary until I disappoint them or break their heart?

It is bound to happen.

One thing is for sure.

In my next R I will screw up. I will break their heart. I will disappoint them. I will fall short not once but many times.

What will the outcome be then?

When you reach a level of trust and confidence in a R like I had with my X and then get shattered the way I have been how do you learn to trust again? How do I believe again?

I can’t express enough how MUCH I trusted my X. How deeply I felt. How secure I was.

Was that taking her for granted or was that a bond a sense of confidence that we were a rock?

I see a cycle repeating itself.

Does it come down to a value system? Does it come down to a level of commitment?

How do you know that when you start?

Everyone is committed at first. Everyone looks past the flaws.

There were times I was not in love with her. Times she irritated me. Times I felt like maybe she loved me more than I loved her. Times I wished I was single again. Times her actions, desires, dreams were not in line with mine.

BUT

I never left. I realized that it was the soul, the person behind the mask I loved. I loved the heart, so I stayed.

Is love that hard?

Is it too much to remain loyal, to stay through tough times? Sure one can make the argument that I broke those vows first by not honoring my W but where did the “in love” experience die off. If I stopped giving it to her was it not for a reason. Perhaps I was not feeling loved. I did for a time no? If I hadn’t we never would have M. So if I stopped loving her then why?

You know what hurts?

It is not the fact that she is in another R already. (by the way it HAS been confirmed turns out OK is a very small state and I still know people there)

It is two things.

1. How easily we are replaced
2 The who more than the what. The OM is somebody who has been in the picture since Dec. I talked about him on my first few post. The way she has handled the entire ordeal, how she strung me along doing DB sessions and seeing me while I was there. The EA had already begun. Yet, she strung me along. We each have our boundary. If she would have told me from day one “H I am involved with someone else so please stopped trying I am moving on” I would have. She knows that. She knew the quickest way to get rid of me.

When I was there in April shortly after the D how was our exchange? Read it. I posted it. Even then she did not make a clean break. I asked her…’do you want me to stop? Do you want me to move on’
She never said yes. Her response.

“I will read the book”
“I will call Jody”
“I don’t know yet”
“I need time”
“Things won’t work on your timetable”

I looked her in the eyes and asked her point blank about OM.

Deceit. I don’t accept confusion as an excuse. I am not sure when you joined my sitch or how much of it you have read but you tell me…………

Was that the actions of a woman that was done and moving on?

Perhaps I was blind. Perhaps I wanted something so bad I could not see the obvious. I told her in Dec when I met with her.

“I am willing to do ANYTHING to save our M, BUT, I will NOT lose myself in the process. I will not lose my self-respect or my dignity.”
That was in December, prob when I was the most desperate. Guess how I feel now?!

Thinking about you 2step

DG you always check up on me and I want to let you know that I appreciate it. It is nice to be thought of. You are very sweet and I wish you nothing but the best.

2step

Wow 2Step... those words resonated with me. Well said my friend. I'm sorry that so many of us here have to live through that.

Stay well. You are going to be happy again. That is the one thing that I know about all of us.

BITS
Denver

[Queen_of_Swords]

The fear runs deeper than being alone deeper than being left. It is the fear in not believing. The fear of not trusting.

All I can tell you 2step is to figure out what the worst fear is, and face it down compassionately within yourself.
For me the worst thing that could happen was being abandoned ,yet I was abandoned.

It did not kill me, although I wanted to die.

This is key 2step. I have learned that most of our greatest fears are tied in to survival issues as a child. An abandoned baby or child would likely die. I, as an adult will not, but my subconcious reptilian brain which is concerned with survival alone doesn't KNOW that. It also can't tell time, so even though I'm 49 years old, it didn't KNOW that and I REACTED like I was a child. Which is why my H. leaving was such an awful trauma to me.

Trust issues are much the same and I'm dealing with that now. I don't trust easily either and really never have. If you as a tiny baby could not reliably get your basic needs met you learned very early that trusting the adults in your life was dangerous and in some cases futile. You also learned about disappointment and to EXPECT it.
Many of us in our age group did not learn to trust simply because of the child rearing practices of the time like crying it out were recommended by our parents' peers and by the experts of the time.

The truth is most people CAN be trusted. The truth is many of your needs can be met by you.

In an earlier post of mine I described how your subconcious mind is slave to YOUR spoken word. So if these feelings arise, you tell yourself out loud your true age, that you're an adult and can handle the challenges that life throws at you. You can survive and thrive, you can trust, and the world is a safe and nurturing place.

The hardest part is figuring out what your deepest fears are, where your greatest trauma lies. That takes some real digging.

[BeTheMan]

2Step - I have not read all your posts, but have read some.

Sometimes I think I must be the only man in the world who sees divorce as such a big thing as I do. I wouldn't have stuck around here for almost 6 years (off and on) if my marriage and family didn't mean so much me. But after reading just your most recent thread, I realize that there is a man who cares more. You.

I am amazed at your heart, sincerity and emotion. I really can't find a way to express my thoughts. I have read literally thousands of posts here, but have never before been so blown away by those of one person. We have never met and never will, and I only know some of your story, but you are the most courageous, compassionate person I have ever not had the pleasure of meeting.

You are an inspiration. Not to dbing. To living. I question if there is a God. But if there is one, you are what he must have intended a man to be.

[2stepboogie]

but they always realize later they were wrong.

At risk of sounding arrogant and seeming as if I have not learned much I KNOW this is going to happen. Without a single doubt of my fiber, I KNOW it will be so. That is not the part that saddens me. You know what does? That I will NOT. It is to bad.

That was the actions of someone who was keeping their options open.

You know Michelle you have been with me for a long time. I could never repay you. You have hit me with hammers you have hugged me when I needed it. You have kept me grounded and lifted me when I needed it. A lot of good things have been said by you and many others. On occasion a light goes off. An awakening of sorts, it is a light that leads you out of the confusion and darkness and what is funny to me is that usually it is the easiest of phrases that does it. I remember something 25 said to me. Something so simple a child could understand. “her actions are not confusing her words might me but her actions are clear. She divorced you” all of a sudden it all made sense. Your comment above is such a comment. The actions of someone who was keeping her options open. Not good enough for me. To be looked at as a backup plan, well it just does not cut it. Not to me.

All I can tell you 2step is to figure out what the worst fear is, and face it down compassionately within yourself.

Trust. Faith. Love. How do you know when you start? How do you know 10 yrs in, 15yrs, 20, 30. I know my level of commitment. How do I know theirs?

2Step - I have not read all your posts, but have read some.

Sometimes I think I must be the only man in the world who sees divorce as such a big thing as I do. I wouldn't have stuck around here for almost 6 years (off and on) if my marriage and family didn't mean so much me. But after reading just your most recent thread, I realize that there is a man who cares more. You.

I am amazed at your heart, sincerity and emotion. I really can't find a way to express my thoughts. I have read literally thousands of posts here, but have never before been so blown away by those of one person. We have never met and never will, and I only know some of your story, but you are the most courageous, compassionate person I have ever not had the pleasure of meeting.

You are an inspiration. Not to dbing. To living. I question if there is a God. But if there is one, you are what he must have intended a man to be.

I don’t even know what to say. My eyes filled with tears when I read this. Am I worthy of such words? Am I? I will tell you something BTM, she called tonight. It went to VM, I was tied up when she called. This post, these words gave me the strength to listen to the message. Thank You.

Voicemail:

X: Hey it’s me I am sorry to bother you but I just have a question for you but I got something in the mail today I don’t know if you got it to in regards to nephew. When he got arrested when he was with us I have to call them because if I don’t appear in court by June 16th since nephew gave them my name I am going to have a bench warrant out for my arrest. I just need to discuss it with you if you can give me a call back when you get a chance I would appreciate it. Hope everything is going good. Give me a call thanks.

What she is referring to is when my nephew stayed with us last year he was arrested for smoking pot. He gave them my W’s number since he knew she would not kill him like I would. After I found out he went to OK to my sister’s house. He broke the rules he paid the price. At the time my X tried talking me out of it, my response to her. “it is unfair to you and to me to take on this burden but mainly to you. He is my nephew and I have to deal with it but you should not have to. He is my sister’s responsibility, he broke the main rule and he knew the price. You do enough with D, no need to take on my sister’s kids as a burden also.”

Two weeks later he was in OK.

I know I have to call her back. I will. Honestly. For the first time in months I do not want to.

[BeTheMan]

2Step - You are absolutely worthy of my comments. I wouldn't "say" something like that unless I was truly moved to do so. If my comments helped you in the smallest way this evening, then I am honored. Your posts have helped so many. I am sure I am not the only one amazed by the man you are and the things you say.

Take Care.