ooohweee what'sup wit that

[2stepboogie]

I'm sorry you find yourself feeling the same way that you did in December.

LITB: I am assuming you are stating this because of this

That was in December, prob when I was the most desperate. Guess how I feel now?!

What I meant by that is that Dec and Jan were perhaps the darkest months of my life. I was in a bad way. For the first time in 9 years I hung 3 stockings and not 4. I opened presents with my D alone. Christmas was not the day I remembered. It was a day of intense sadness.

By Jan I was dead inside. I was home alone with my D it snowed once a week causing school to close and us to find things to do in the house. I had no time to mourn no time to be sad. So I was mostly angry. I looked at my phone 1000 times a day wishing wanting waiting for a phone call.

I cried almost every night I did a lot journaling, a lot.

I was desperate for a kind word from her, anything that looked like hope I held so tightly if it was a person I would have killed it. And she gave me plenty to hold on to.

My home became my prison. It was dark, cold and lonely.

I prayed to GOD prayed for peace prayed for mercy prayed for my D.

I slept thanks to nyquil and even then at the most 2-3 hours a night.

I was dead inside.

A walking zombie.

My D saw my condition, no matter how hard I tried to hide it, she saw.

Why do I tell you this?

Because if she would have come clean then I would have been done. If she would have told me about OM then, physical or not, I would have walked away.

Even then when a phone call or text sent me to shivers and tears I would not have compromised myself for the sake of the M.

So I made the above comment to highlight that if in my darkest hour I would not have done so, now I would do so even less. I speak as if I even had a choice. Kind of funny.

2step, I'm going to save what you wrote here. Brilliant. Just brilliant how you've expressed yourself and the same thoughts /feelings /doubts I've been having myself.

The fear we all have. Some recover easily or at least more easily than others. Some recover to quickly only to make the same mistakes again. I will take years to trust again. TBH I don't know if I will. Logic dictates that someday I will, but logic is logic and feelings are feelings. The fear runs deeper than being alone deeper than being left. It is the fear in not believing. The fear of not trusting. Thank you for the kind words.

I just want you to know, you have motivated me to read your entire sitch.

Wow man I don't know what to say. I appreciate it. There is so much there I give you credit for even wanting to.

I promised myself I would journal more tonight. Perhaps I will.........