I hesitated to post this because I don't usually get this personal on the boards anymore...
I have to say that Thatgirl's post, helped me to realize exactly why it is I have push you so hard...
You remind me, of my STBXH, in many many ways. Mostly in the way that you made your W feel...
I can't tell you in words how much I wanted him to be different, even after I realized how ugly I had become because of the treatment that I accepted, the spoken and unspoken messages that I internalized. I can't tell you how hard it was for me to break free of those thought patterns for myself. The anger that I went through at first. I was angry at him and myself for all of it. And for a long while, I wanted him to hurt as badly as I had, even though I just wanted him to be different and want to reconcile...
As I realized that I was dealing with MLC and not just WAH, my anger began to subside some, the desire to reconcile NOW, was set aside...I was dealing with a monster of an entirely different color and I knew that there was a long road ahead...
And I took time to really heal myself from all of it...
Even after I became stronger and didn't want to be with him anymore, I still hoped that he would wake up and change...
For himself... for someone else...
And I hold that hope for you as well...
The truth of the matter, I didn't decide that I couldn't be with him anymore if he were to want to come back because I stopped loving him. I will always hold love for him in my heart.
I made the choice to stop standing for me.
For lots of reasons, including that I didn't know if I would be strong enough to not fall back into patterns of behavior that were not good for either of us. Especially if he did...
The day came when I met a man. A wonderful man that I love very very much...
Who is very different from STBXH in many many ways...
The most important way, is that he tells me and shows me that he loves me and wants me daily...me, no one else, no matter how cute, cranky, happy or sad I may be...
For me, it was hard to accept at first, hard to believe it was real and that it would last, because it was something that I had wanted for so long in my life and hadn't really felt...
and those fears, almost cost me this R...
Eventually, I came to trust it, to believe in him, to believe that I deserved to be treated well and that someone really did want me and love me...
The damage is still there though...the scars...I am ashamed to admit that once in a while, when things get difficult, when wires get crossed, if I feel even the littlest bit like I did in my marriage (which is, simply put, unimportant to him), my initial instinct is to run or to push him away...
Because I would rather be alone than feel that way again...
I haven't actually done it yet, although I have tried in small ways, because BF understands. Sometimes it is very frustrating for him, but it doesn't take long for him to realize what I am actually doing and why...
He tries to understand and reassure and comfort, much much more than he should ever have to...
It may not seem like it, but your W, is giving you an opportunity to really begin to show her that it won't be the same...
You can't show her that by acting superior because you have done some work and you think she hasn't, bullying, smothering, or expecting her to believe you in just six short months...
Trust me, she may not seem like she is doing anything to you but having an A, but it sure seems like she is trying to figure out if she believes that she is really lovable...
It took you a long time to create your end of this mess...
It is going to take her a long time to see that it doesn't have to be the same...
Regardless of how this turns out, regardless of whether you decide that you want her or not, or she wants you or not...
I hope that you can find, really find within yourself, what it is that you need to find to make sure that you treat the next person in your life...like she is the most special, most important person in the world to you...
Cat what a powerful post. From a person that is waaaaay behind on this journey compared to you what I highlighted in bold is EXACTLY some of my fears. Anyways just wanted to stop in and say great post.
I read everyone's sitch but I am taking time to myself right now and using my own thread to post my thoughts and journal.
