New - HELP! Tried the 180/Last Resort & Failed

[AloneAt35]

Today, ex-partner kicked me when I was down, then kicked me some more. How did I handle it? I don't know...I'm just stunned.

The phone rang twice this morning - it was him calling from work. I hadn't slept all night (spent the night crying, worrying, and praying for help/strength). I pulled myself together and called right back.

He said he wanted to talk to me about removing me from our (his) health insurance immediately. Originally, he had promised to keep me on until December, but he said that I need to be off for 12 months before he can get OW put on as his new domestic partner so he was having paperwork sent to me about COBRA options. He was incredibly cold, bold, and almost hostile about it, but he said he would help pay for a COBRA option. He then began grilling me about what I had been doing to find a job with benefits, I told him about all of the resumes I've been sending and and that I would take ANY job that came my way. He asked how my financial situation was and I answered honestly that it was not good. He accused me of spending my money irresponsibly by 'going out' and I became angry - irresponsible is the LAST thing I've been and I haven't even left the house. The conversation ended right there, I said goodbye and he sounded the most distant and hostile I've ever heard him be. I literally did not recognize his voice.

I had to defend myself, so I calmed myself and called him back. I told him how unfair it was to accuse me of such a thing and a whole new conversation began, with him admitting he was wrong but attacking on a different front. He told me that both his therapist and the OW say he has no responsibility to me. He said that he always resented that he was the "caretaker" in the relationship and that I felt comfortable "following my heart" in my profession while he had to be the "responsible one." I used my DB listening skills as he continued to attack. I told him that I understood why he felt that way but that I had honestly viewed our relationship as a partnership where we each contributed different but valuable things. He said he tried to tell me years ago that I should stop freelancing and adjunct teaching and get the type of job that would contribute financial stability to our relationship. I said that I had always worked hard (which he admitted) and put everything I earned into our mutual bills and had never asked for anything, which he also acknowledged. But he said that despite it, he felt I had essentially let him do the 'heavy lifting' (responsibility-wise) for years.

He said that his therapist said that I should be able to survive on my own and I agreed with him that this was correct and it was my only goal in life at this point. He said, "Why didn't you do it sooner?" I said, "I don't know but I wish I had." He reiterated that being a 'caretaker' had turned him into a "robot" in our relationship. I told him how sorry I was and that I felt terrible that I hadn't recognized this sooner. He said I should have heard what he was trying to tell me years ago and I agreed (though I was hesitant about agreeing because I honestly thought he was proud of the work I did - but I agreed nonetheless).

He then switched gears quickly to the lack of intimacy in our relationship (it had dwindled significantly in recent years with him withdrawing and me always instigating intimacy, only to often be turned down). He said that he had become a "robot" in this area as well, and not just because he had "been forced into becoming a caretaker" - though that was part of it. He said he always believed that the fact that he had sex with me at such a young age (he was 24 and I was 16 when we got together)'messed me up.' I said that nothing could be further from the truth, and that he needed to absolve himself of any guilt associated with the beginning of our relationship. (I was shocked by the ancient history surfacing here.) I stopped short of telling him that I loved having sex with him, but I almost wish I had. He said that because I was so young I fell into a pattern of being dependent and I said this was certainly true and I was very, very sorry for it for both of our sakes.

He then switched to OW. He said she would be furious if she knew we were speaking. I said I understood, and then I suggested that by moving her from out of state to be with him and asking her to give up her job and school he was possibly creating another scenario where a woman would become dependent on him and he would become resentful. He told me he had no idea how much money she earned, but she owned two cars, and had certainly proven that she could take care of herself and planned on getting a job once they moved in together. I said, "that is good, and it is true that she does sound successful and independent."

He then started to soften a lot - he was actually softening considerably throughout the conversation as I validated everything he said. He started sounding *sad* instead of mad. He said, OW has a hard time dealing with our relationship because she doesn't understand why it ended with no bad feelings between us. (I wanted to say, "YOU CERTAINLY SOUND LIKE YOU HAVE BAD FEELINGS TOWARD ME!!!") I said that I understood OW's insecurity but there was no reason for her to be jealous because I realized that partner didn't have feelings for me anymore and probably hadn't for quite some time. He sounded very sad at this point. He said, "all I want for you is to live a good life with someone who appreciates you." I said I hoped I would have that opportunity some day. He reiterated that he had a lot more time on his hands now that he was living closer to work and didn't feel as much like a robot, but rather than sounding happy about this he sounded so sad. I said it was good that he was feeling more himself. I know to end the conversation first, so even though he seemed like there was more on his mind and that he was feeling terrible, I moved to end the conversation.

I said, "I will let you go and thank you for talking to me. I called you for an apology and realized that I was the one who owed you an apology." I said "good bye." As I hung up I could hear that he was still talking, so I went back on the line. He said he was sorry for accusing me of being irresponsible. He sounded totally despondent by the end of the conversation.

I've been in shock for hours about this conversation. I had no idea that ex-partner felt such a heavy burden of responsibility or was displeased by the fact that I was just a freelancer/adjunct teacher. I wanted to beg him to give me a second chance, but at the same time I knew that begging would be futile and self-defeating and would be met with rejection...he is too far down the road with OW.

I feel more hopeless than ever about our relationship, but at least I have some clarity about his feelings. At the same time, this sounds like typical MLC stuff: feeling like a "robot" and resentful of all responsibility and anyone who reminds them of their obligations or might make them feel guilty for what (and whom) they are destroying.

I've been so depressed as it is about not finding a F/T job with benefits and this was just the most horrible blow to my already decimated self-esteem. He practically attacked everything about me, but there was enough truth in it that the sting is agonizing and is not subsiding though hours have passed. I kind of feel like giving up and dying.

What do I make of his transition from angry to almost despondent? I swear he practically sounded regretful that our relationship didn't work out by the end of the call - and like he wanted to keep me on the phone, but its probably just "wishful thinking" on my part - what I probably heard was guilt and not regret.

All day long I've wanted to write him and say, "I will always love you, I am sorry that I couldn't be who you wanted but I would do anything to be with you again - even as just a friend - because you are so important to me." Another side of me wants to tell him: "You kicked me when I was down and you are crushing me so much that I don't want to live."

I can't win against OW, but I honestly feel that if OW wasn't in the picture, we would be starting to honestly work on our relationship...or at least be salvaging a very valuable friendship.

Does anyone have any insight? Was what happened today good or bad? This is the first I've gotten any reason for his lack of feelings toward me, and something tells me that it wasn't just the MLC speaking.