First, it's a very personal matter and no one can tell you what to do. If you can handle it, meaning not feel horrible later, that's key.
I don't know men who go back to women for the great sex they NEVER had.
For my h and I, sex was a strength in our m, and it helped him feel very connected. His LL is physical affection.
I wanted to contrast life here, with what he had in the tundra. So the home was "warm and loving" and sunny, inside and out here.
It's personal and if you can't, you can't.
But if you can, don't feel bad or let someone tell you that you're being used.
The cow analogy is for singles...if ML was a strength in your m, and it's good between you in bed, you are giving him something to miss when he's gone.
Sometimes I think we have to go with what feels natural in the moment & trust. Just my .02. BTW It was my DB coach who said, "there's no one right answer to this".
YOU decide.
I definitely agree that we need to go with what feels natural in the moment and trust... and that there is 'no one right answer to this'
hmmmm... the cow analogy just applying to singles? I don't know about that.
I think sometime we dumb men ... well, we sometimes take for granted that physical piece... because it isn't as an emotional thing for us as it is for women (generally speaking of course). So when we're in the M ... even when the sex is good ... we are susceptible to taking it for granted ... and letting our minds wonder.
I speak from my own experience and multiple, multiple conversations with my close buddies.
I guess what I am saying to TG007 is not to use sex as a carrot for her H's return... I think that he already wants to return anyway ... but maybe just remind him that it is something that he will miss if the M does not reconcile.
I don't see how that happens if he is out of the house YET still gets that physical need met.
Again TG007, that is just my 2 cents... I fully respect and value 25's opinion.... I definitely do.
And as she said, you need to do what you think is best.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
it MAY be his LL....and he wants to return so he's not running away EXCEPT for quickie sex visits
and it gives him something to miss when not at home. This isn't an every night deal....how does cutting him off remind him of the great sex they aren't having? She talks about it?
he's not "Getting it" most of the time
You say men just want sex...so if they aren't getting any...then...????
If the sex is good in a m, you tell me, would a man leave a w when they have good sex, if there NO batchit going on, OR weird depression/MLC, OR an OW....?
This is part of why my h's MLC so confused me...it was like, "hey things are GOOD between us. What's going on?" His MLC was wacky as heck, and he was controlling as heck, thinking I'd "cave in & follow" (his words).
After awhile, I did not see the upside of cutting him off. Especially since he lived away from home and the visits were my only face to face DB time.
Denver, how can she "remind" him of what he'll miss if he doesn't come home, by not having sex? I don't get that.
But I had a friend who advised me to "cut him off!!" (Sometimes I think she meant it literally... )
That same woman friend is the one who I discussed the breakthrough my h had at Retrovaille. This was a year into our piecing and we went and got A LOT out of it.
On the last day when I already felt the weekend was good, h broke down and showed deep profound remorse for his actions. I really got, that he GOT IT", you know? He cried hard and that's a rare event for him. His words were very moving to me.
I told my friend this, as I expected her to be so moved. She said, "did you tell him how LONG he had been doing that and how YOU had warned him and that's lucky you didn't blah blah blah rub it in his face???"..
I couldn't believe her inability to forgive (or just shut up)....
she was the same one to say "cut him off" and I see her in a different light now.
I never ask her for advice on marriage either...So I'm always wary of people who cut off the spouses sexually. HOWEVER if an OW or OM is present, that could be a totally different story,
and like they say, no matter what, it's an intensely personal decision.
The cow analogy for singles is for me what made sense.
How does it apply to this situation? She's married to him and he wants back into the relationship...
Once I was in a loving R, I was sexually HD and did not hide it. I never had trouble with a man not wanting a commitment, (in fact, the opposite- as I married early, reluctantly)
but here, her h wants back in. he's not running away and SHE is the one with the "power" now.
As usual, when the WAS wants back in, and it's up to the LBSer who has done a lot of work on herself, she is cautious....very cautious...and has the upper hand for now.
Use it wisely.
And don't worry about deciding this or who you'll "go with". T, We are all saying it's up to you and no one will judge or harass.
WE just want you to be happy and not somehow screw up the recovery of your marriage.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I definitely appreciate all of the advice and 25 your insight is amazing. Thank you so much for taking time out to stick around and help people like me and Denver and all of us newbies. You've got some kind of special reward coming from somewhere.
If there was an OW, I would definitely not be having sex with my H. It just wouldn't work for me.
Hearing what worked for you and your M helps tremendously. I feel a bit better now about the sexual healing that occurred last night
Sex has always been a strength of our M. I just never viewed it as a strength...and hearing it referred to that way just clicks for me.
I'll keep you guys posted.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
Denver, how can she "remind" him of what he'll miss if he doesn't come home, by not having sex? I don't get that.
Typical attorney 25!
The only thing that I will say is that she doesn't need to have sex with him for the next 5-10 years in order for him to remember or reminded of it!
Let's just say that men are very VISUAL creatures! We may not be able to remember our anniversaries, but we have photographic memories when it comes to matters of the flesh. LOL!
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So, gah, my sitch is working my nerves! This is a major rant/vent, so you are forewarned.
Man, oh, man, is this stuff tough. I am kind of angry at H right now. It's not so much just any one thing that he has done, but the overall sense of entitlement I see in him. I suppose I will have to bring this up with him, but maybe I will wait until we see C tomorrow.
Well, we started C and it has been a few weeks. I'm not 100% sure I like counseling (or ever will, for that matter), but we'll see how it goes.
The thing that chafes at me right now is that about a month after H left, he got super into spying on me. It was a long phase of keyloggers, cell phone hacks, email hacks, etc. I couldn't really figure out what he was trying to do since he left me and wasn't sure he wanted to come back. It also made me angry because I have always been 100% honest with H and held nothing back. Still, whatever.
Now, he is expressing all of this hurt and anger about things "I did" after he left. People I emailed. Men who tried to hook up with me or flirted with me, etc. And it bugs me because when he asked, I told him that this guy tried to get with me or that friend of his wanted my number, etc., etc. And why should he expect my eternal devotion when he walked out the door?
He even said to me, "You were on the phone with another guy and I had only been gone three weeks!"
I want to scream! Who is this guy and what planet is he on? Did he honestly think that no other man on the planet would want me once he left? Did he honestly think that I would curl up and die a shriveled old maid?
What about all of the many times that he was in bed with another woman while I was being a devoted wife? Does he have selective amnesia?
Now, he wants to know the content of my discussion with anyone of the male species during that time period and despite the fact that - every conversation was innocent - I have no desire to tell him anything.
The only thing I want to say to him is "Get over yourself."
But I know that isn't productive. Is this some kind of stage that WAS go through or something because nobody prepared me for it. Eck.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
Now, he wants to know the content of my discussion with anyone of the male species during that time period and despite the fact that - every conversation was innocent - I have no desire to tell him anything.
The only thing I want to say to him is "Get over yourself."
But I know that isn't productive.
Actually, I think that's a pretty effective response, especially to a man. We hate hearing something like that.
I also like "You know, this paranoid-little-b*tch thing you've been doing REALLY isn't very attractive."
And yes, it's very normal. It shows he's still attracted to you. STAY MYSTERIOUS.
I am doing well. You know when you get to days where the most pressing thought on your mind is "Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate....yum" and when you can giggle and gape at mindless TV, you've come a long way.
There was a time when I never thought I would feel normal again, but I really do feel normal again, but even more than that, I relish that feeling. Having been to the point of complete abnormality, normal is a beautiful thing.
H is towing the line - and so am I We're getting along, going to C, talking, hanging out, dating, having sex when it feels right. It's good. H had a nice breakthrough about his depression and will have to pursue IC to sort all of that out. I am doing a complete 180 and not asking questions about it or trying to manage/handle it for him. I listen and that's it. I only give advice if asked for it.
I'm actually doing a big 180 and being less "in control" of everything that relates to him and our R. He is leading and I am following - and I am leading or acting only when he asks.
I think that the person I need to lead the most is myself and this has been a great change and transition for me. I think it's reflected positively on our R, too, because I feel less burdened and, oddly, more in control.
I have my moments, but I really am getting to a place where I recognize how awesome I have it. I'm still not sure that my M will be salvaged or if H and I will ever be ready to move back in together - but I am happy that we are friends and love each other enough to respect each other, regardless of our R status.
I gave some lengthy advice to a friend's daughter who recently separated from her H - and as I watched her cry and heard her repeat the things that so many of us have said, I am so grateful to be on the other side of that initial storm and to be on a more even keel - and I never would have thought I'd be able to help someone who is going through a similar thing seven months ago when H walked away.
My city has recently been reeling over a shooting rampage that took place on Thursday and as I read about the root of all of the issues - domestic violence, marital separations and divorce - I am very grateful that I've fared as well in my sitch as I have.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
ThatGirl, I'm very happy that you've reached the place that you have! I'm not quite there on my journey, but I can see it off in the distance.
I'm also glad you weren't involved in the shooting. You'd almost expect that more on the east side of the state, not where you are. Makes you want to hold your family extra close, doesn't it?
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
... well, we sometimes take for granted that physical piece... because it isn't as an emotional thing for us as it is for women (generally speaking of course). So when we're in the M ... even when the sex is good ... we are susceptible to taking it for granted ... and letting our minds wonder. 
)
