Still crazy (piecing) after all these years

[Return10]

Yep, I'm not going there any more but it hurts and my experience is that unresolved hurts don't go away. You can forgive, you can have lots of other happy things happen, yes, we "can't always get what we want", and once in a great while something will eventually get resolved in a way we never expected, but unless it gets resolved it still hurts. Life hurts sometimes, OK, there are lots way, way worse unresolvable hurts. Heck, I'm carrying some worse than this and even those are light years away from what some folks carry through this life, whether they carry it well or not. So, the least I can do is to learn to carry what I carry as well as I can figure.

I am very close with all my family (and I have a wide net for who is in my family). I am closer to my H's family than he is and he enjoys my closeness with all these folks. But I am not a pushover and have ended a few friendships that were unhealthy. My sister, who knows about the affair and did a stellar job of supporting me without bad mouthing my H, once said that if when my H and I are very old and sitting in our rocking chairs, there might come a day when I might remember something about that affair and find myself having thrown my old shoe right at my H... That image has kept me laughing for 12 years and I'm sure I'll be laughing about it even after I've forgotten a whole lot of other things in my senility. So far I haven't thrown any shoes, thanks in part, I'm sure, to that image. I am thankful that my dear sister gave me "permission" to forget my good intentions once in a while and behave badly and I will give myself that permission also because I know that the very minute I can figure out how to do better I will.

So considering the above, is it really so surprising that my poor but wonderful in his own way H is having trouble with this and various related issues? He proposed to me over the phone, for goodness sake. Sometimes when I'm feeling badly, I remember the times he seemed so half-hearted, believe me there are many examples, and if I'm really feeling rotten, I'm very embarrassed for having accepted so little. However, very thankfully, there are other examples of extraordinary (and sometimes weird) consideration. I try to stay focused on those because it does help perpetuate more of the good stuff.

Thank you Z. Best wishes to you and yours too.