I'm lost. need help with WAW

[LearningPatience]

That's awesome in many ways! Took my boys bowling for our 'boys weekend' last week, but air hockey would have been a nice addition.

I've learned to enjoy my kids even more with all that is going on in my life. Despite the problems S14 is having, I think it's stabilizing to have the three of us guys just hanging out and having fun. No matter what happens between W and I, I'll always have the kids.

[facingdivorce]

Hi GAL Man

I have a similar issue with my WAW. with looking after the kids with last minute notices. She travels for work, but also slides dates in for her to be with the OM. I also used to think is this request for legitimate business reason or for something else. The answer realistically is both.

At first I built this rigorous process to manage travel with notification etc etc. And then I looked at it and threw away the lot. Why did I do that?

- I was being controlling and I dont want to be like that
- It was difficult to monitor and required way to much time, effort and positive energy
- My WAW went into a power struggle with me over it, testing every boundary, hostile emails etc etc

So what did I do?

I take the kids at every and any opportunity I can have to be with them. They are my first , second, third all priority. I am never happier than when I am with them.

It reduced the headbutting powerplay with my WAW, she actually seems a bot more comfortable now with me

The kids know I am always there and there is never takeaway food, just homecooking ( my wife did the same with the takeaway ) Again if I was that concerned about their diet, dont try and change my wifes approach, just make sure you have the kids and cook for them. Esier, happier, healthier.

So my focus is the kids not managing my wife, we are all settling down a lot better for doing it.

thanks

[25yearsmlc]

well done for all

[GAL Man]

Thanks for the comments and help

Some help required on some points

1)       Should I move dates? We have the kids every other week so get to see them a lot, and they pop round on the weeks they are not with me. My parents will have the kids if I am looking to do something when I have them, so I would not really need to swap. By moving some dates would this help? Or should I only move dates for work reasons, not for her partying?

2)       I have the cell phone contract for me, D14 and W which I pay monthly. W now has a new cell, but is also still using the one I pay for as the numbers are on friends and family. I am thinking to ask for the cell back so S12 can use it (he only has an old cell on pay as you go, not a contract) or cancel it and save the money. W has told the kids that she doesn't want them to have her new number! Would this come across as petty, or just looking after my finances, its on her to sort out contact with the kids

3)       I do not know where she lives (well I know whereabouts it is) and was thinking to ask her for her address details, which she can read into in anyway she wants.

[GAL Man]

Another q, sorry

Whilst this probably goes against db as r talk, w has never really told me why she left, only that she was unhappy, felt at times I talked down to her and that SHE had been a bit*h to ME.

My thinking is that I can not validate anything to her as she hasn't explained in detail why.... or I can not look inwards. I offered some reasons right at the start where I felt I had gone wrong to w, like not showing enough affection, not doing little things like putting x an the end of a text, not spending time with her, but I felt at the start that this was my reaction to being treated so poorly by the person closest to me (little did I know then!!!! and that w treating me like that was a vicious circle, i.e. me reacting to w in a negative way then w reacting to me and me then reacting back etc etc etc) I have since realised more, but these were things with me (like not looking after me, waiting for w to change and treat me better when I should have done that myself, not being so down and sad because of how W was treating me, and should of gal earlier)

Is this a big no no?

[Timetotry]

GAL,

I'd suggest saying to your W that your S12 is running out of minutes and you want to give him her old cell phone. Don't just cancel, that may come across wrong but if you say its for the kids benefit, she may soften.

I'd not ask for where she lives, if you have her number, you know how to contact her for an emergency. Over time you'll know.

I dunno what advice to offer for dates other than do what works best for YOU.

And lastly, IMO do not say anything on the last q. Wait, over time you will know, I was in the same situation. I am still not completely sure and I'm 5 months into it this week. I believe its considered pursuing the R. No R talk. Its not easy but if you want this to work, follow that rule.

Good luck.

[toughlover]

I realize you don't know me but I just wanted to agree with timetotry...I've been reading over your thread and you remind me of when this started happening to me a few years ago. You seem to be making good progress with your GALing and stuff, but then that need to make some points to her rationally ("My thinking is that I cannot validate anything...") crops up. Sounds exactly what I used to write back in 06

What the good folks here pointed out to me back then was, a) she doesn't want to hear it and it will only piss her off, it's pressure, and b) she's not really making strong rational choices right now, so trying to deal with her on that level won't get through anyway.

It sounds like you're making awesome progress on your detachment. I'd encourage you to do that and let it work its 'magic', so to speak, on you.

[25yearsmlc]

What Time said ^^^


and no offense but I get a feeling, intuitively, that most of what you are wondering is how


you can get her to change her behavior...it IS controlling and again, I could be wrong



but my feeling from your posts is there's a lot of you trying to teach her a lesson or "show her the consequences of her behavior"

and some definite punishment going on. Frankly I don't care why she wants you to have the kids, TAKE THEM!!



Stop asking if you "can say no" b/c you don't think her reason is good enough...the sooner she finds out the grass isnt greener where you don't water it,

the sooner you give her the chance to miss her kids...the better.



Otherwise she holds YOU responsible for how trapped she feels....



IF all she gets out of her free time is partying ways, so be it. You'll have your kids and she'll self destruct without them around



PER MY DB COACH

"It's not our job to show our spouses the consequences of their behavior and it's never a spouses job to punish the other one.


Life teaches them lessons and shows them consequence."

[GAL Man]

That's why this forum is so great. Thanks ttt, tough and 25 for your constructive feedback, without everyone here I would clearly be going down wrong paths, even with the books.

[GAL Man]

This is the email I sent w this morning after her latest email yesterday, which she started this time with "how are you?" Opposed to the last one of "hope you are ok?"

Wonder why she keeps asking...... I told her I was really well 2 days ago

Anyway, short e-mail

Hiya


Not a problem with the dates, tell your friends you will be going.


Tbh I would rather not swap the weeks around as I have some plans which would be effected. I am more than happy to have the kids on the dates you mentioned.