OK... 81 Days

[Denver_2010]

"I know what you're going through is tough. And I think you've gotten some really good advice here over all. I just want to chime in from a W's perspective."

I need this more than anything right now TG007. Thank you.

"When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments. I have been in her position in my M. I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than. I even got chills when she talked about the FB issues, because I've been there and done that, bought the t-shirt Of course, my H went a step further and cheated, then left, adding an extra crunchy layer of goodness to my sitch.

One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H. Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me would lessen him so much in my eyes. So, I can see where your W is coming from. "

This is what I need to understand... if I am to forgive her... and I need to forgive her for myself... maybe she is right? She doesn't need forgiveness from me... I still need to do it for me though.

"When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your S - and those uncertainties that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run."

I think that you may be right. I have never understood why she is unable to just 'start over' and put the crap that I did behind her. I'm beginning to understand that I caused severe emotional scars ... that aren't going to heal easily, if at all.

"Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time. And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought. "

That's exactly what my W keeps telling me. I just have trouble understanding this because I am not one to let the words or actions of others hurt me SO badly. So I have a problem relating to the emotional scars that my W has.

Again... this is why hearing these words from you TG007 is so valuable. Thank you again.

"Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope. You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail. You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality."

My W forgave me time after time after time... and every time she did, she loved me just the same as she always had... and she worked to make our R work just as she always had... you are so right here.

It finally came to the point that she wasn't going to go through it one more time... She was D-O-N-E ...

She also told me that the emotional damage that I caused to her made her believe that she WAS the things that I said she was... a bad mother, not affectionate, not sexual, ... some of which she read into the words used by me... some based upon my actual words.

Bottom line? I treated W poorly out of my own insecurity, my ego, my sense of superiority... I really can't tell you how or why I was so horrible to my W.

It is a regret that I will always live with though... regardless of how this turns out.

"And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to win.

Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to win."

I was sure that it was NOT just about winning before her renewed A with OM... This time around I feel MORE disrespected... bc we had had 3 months of good time together... 3 months of me showing her that things could be better.

I didn't... maybe still don't ... quite understand why she hasn't been able to forgive me... why she went back to OM after those 3 months.

I am trying... Why? BC I don't believe my W's actions during our S define who she is as a person. I KNOW that she would NEVER have had let another man into her life, even slightly, let alone had an A if I had not made her feel the way that I did.

"Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her and really have recommitted to her and you actually just want to win, you'll put her through hell."

I agree.

Thank you so much for this post TG007.